Title: Cycles of Change
Author: Rimau
Email address: rimaufic@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Angel/Xander
Date: June 1999 (revised April 2000)
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue!
Summary: While trying to stop a vampire from ruling the world, Angel changes two lives forever.
Author's webpage: http://www.rimau.aeglos.org/

This is the proof that I've finally crossed from 'weird' to 'unbelievably mad - mad, I say'. It had to happen some day...

I'm warning you all, this is a serious story. Plot, angst, blood, violence, vampiric 'sex', real sex... Um, I have to confess... Love too. Yep, the L-word will be used. Run for your lives! And in a way there will be death, but it's definitely not a death story. If you think that all who are mortals should stay mortals, go away. Oops, was that too big a spoiler? Does anyone care?

My timeline differs from the series. I follow canon to the point Angel went to hell. That means almost none of the stuff after 'Becoming' happened. If you want more details, go here.

There's a big mythological epic inside this story. If you don't like to read those, go away. Some of that plotline comes from real mythology. Most of it is invented by yours truly.

Please note the first letter in the author's name. It really is V. Don't mix me up with the one with N. I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy! Those of you who have read my other stories will groan because of the bad guy's nationality. So what? I'm from up North and damn proud of it. Damn the snow, though...

Raonaid, this story would never have seen the light of day without your help! Thank you once again.

Go now, dear, patient soul and read the tale I've written.

---

Cycles of Change by: Rimau

---

Everything's about change. It can be man made: Machines molding nature into parking lots or big malls, strong hands molding dough into pastries. Or it can be natural: The change of seasons that are always the same, but still always different. Birth, growth, death. Well, in my case it's usually death.

Sometimes the change isn't a physical event. It could be a revelation that changes a person's life forever. It's usually something unintentional. Or if it's been planned ahead, it won't go according to the plans. You try and you try and in the end you realize that nothing you did, nothing you worked for, made any difference. Nothing. Things just happen, no matter how you try to prevent them. You might be the center of your own being, but you're not the center of the universe.

When you realize that, you change. You either grow as a person or you go mad. I usually do the former, but the latter is familiar, too.

Most of the time the change is so subtle that people hardly notice it. The moment of transition just goes by. You don't pay any attention to it until one day you open your eyes and see that the cocoon has broken and the butterfly is flexing its wings. Or maybe things change so slowly you can't comprehend them. Running water shaping the landscape slowly over the centuries.

And almost always the change is somewhat painful, even if it's a change for the better, like a medicine that tastes foul, but saves your life. Not that I know anything about that. That's a small consolation. I'm destined to spend my 'life' in eternal darkness, save for the bright neon lights, of course, killing beings I don't know, seeing people I care for die. But hey, at least I don't have to pay for medical insurance.

I've lived for a long time. Or I've been dead for a long time. Whatever. And I intend to continue existing on this plane of existence for some time.

For that I had to change. Or the world had to. I prefer the latter. But what does the world care about what I prefer or not?

It really doesn't.

I'd lost my soul twice, and twice I had gotten it back. Thanks to Willow, I was now once again the good little vampire Buffy and her Slayerettes knew and loved. I came back, but everything changed.

I was able to get most of my friends back along with my soul, but I also got my heart back. I couldn't let Buffy hold it in her strong hands anymore. Yes, that was a painful change, too. I still cared for her, but it was the kind of love that the troubadours sang about. You know, it seems so much better when you think about it than it does when you actually live it. Or maybe I just saw what I'd always feared, always known.

A vampire and a Slayer as a couple was definitely a no-no.

It's amazing that Buffy and I could still be friends after all that went wrong between us. But we were. I think she's about the best friend I've ever had. She's someone I can count on. That's not something I can say about many people.

Of course, there are our mutual friends, too. I think Giles doesn't hold grudges anymore. I... no, Angelus was a cold son of a bitch who really didn't deserve to live, and the Watcher knows that. And he knows that I know it. I think I'd call him a friend now. After I came back from that Very Unpleasant Place, we formed this... let's call it 'tentative peace'. It wasn't exactly friendship. Not yet, but it was heading towards it.

That was almost destroyed by the Big Change that happened some time ago. No, not the soul-thing. The other change.

Since Willow was the one who put the spell on me, bless her for that, she knew a little more about what I went through than the others. Oz wasn't really interested in anything else but her. A strange little group of people. People I hesitantly called friends.

Did I leave anyone out? And if I did, did I do it on purpose?

Don't ask.

I don't want to think about what he was like back then. He hated me and he had a damn good reason for it.

At first, we couldn't be in the same room without Xander starting to look for something sharp and wooden. It was almost like he felt that Angelus' atrocities had been especially aimed to hurt him. I apologized for my --his-- actions. He told me to go to hell. Even though it wasn't really my style back then, I tried to explain how it had felt to realize that I had been turned into a homicidal maniac. He told me that my explanations stank and I should take a long bath. In a tub full of holy water.

I wasn't actually certain if he'd really kill me or not, but by the look in his eyes, I knew that he at least considered it seriously.

That period lasted for a long time.

As months went by, Xander and I got into a routine. He would insult me and I would make a sarcastic remark. He wouldn't try to kill me and I wouldn't sneak up behind him, approach him in dark alleys, or do anything to unnerve him. And I wouldn't touch him.

It was harder than I'd thought --not touching him, I mean. I hadn't been overly physical with him before, if you don't count Angelus pushing him around a little, but now that I was constantly being mindful of not touching him, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. That skin of his looked really inviting, now that I was thinking about it. And I had to think about him and his body. I had to keep an eye on him so I wouldn't accidentally bump into him or anything.

In time, that 'or anything' began to bother me. I'd gotten a good Irish education and knew all about forbidden fruit. You didn't eat the apple. Once you'd been in the Land of Youth, you didn't touch the ground when you had to return to the world of mortals. Not if you wanted to live forever. And you most certainly didn't think about making a pass at a man who hated your guts.

At least if you're sane.

So I tried to think of him as a person. Alexander L. Harris: The young guy, the student, one of the Fighters Against the Forces of Darkness ^tm. A rather cute and smart kid, but still just a kid. A brave, honorable and dedicated kid. A warm, bright soul.

That was a big mistake. If I'd thought of him as a warm, sexy body, I'd have had some control over the matter. As long as I'd kept my distance, it was just lust. A bit like it had been with Buffy before I got to know her. After all, you can't fall in love with someone you don't know. There's no such thing as love at first sight. Desire and lust, not love.

When I realized that I'd begun to use the words 'Xander', 'desire' and 'love' in the same sentence, I seriously thought about a long vacation far away from Sunnydale. But then yet another monster came to town and once again I was needed to help save the world. And we did, even though that victory cost us dearly and we lost one of us.

No, Faith didn't die. She just came to the conclusion that a vacation would do her good, too. After all, Sunnydale wasn't the only place that needed a Slayer. So she left.

I stayed.

I couldn't leave Sunnydale, no matter how I felt towards Xander. I had made a commitment to the Forces of Good (another trade mark) and I owed it to Whistler, Buffy and the others to honor it. And in time I got used to loving Xander, even though unrequited love is highly overrated. There's nothing sweet or romantic about it. It hurts like hell. Trust me on this one.

Everything was normal for a few weeks and I watched my friends relax. They enjoyed spending time as normal teenagers, not worrying about what the future might bring to the Hellmouth. Unfortunately, I wasn't as naive as they were. The old saying about 'the calm before the storm' was constantly on my mind.

Who would have thought that the storm would actually be a hurricane?

---

I'd just eaten and was walking aimlessly through the alleys behind Bronze. The place was closed, so I couldn't go there. Too bad. I needed something to do, people to watch, anything. I was really bored with staring at the walls of my home and I didn't want to go back there before I absolutely had to.

I spotted a brown rat behind a dumpster and squatted down to observe her. She was a long, lean creature with an even longer tail. She was gnawing something slightly greenish with the fervor you only saw in a hungry rat. Or a hungry vampire.

Maybe she had babies somewhere and needed all her strength to take care of the little ones.

Watching the flea bitten little creature wasn't exactly all that fascinating, but it was better than nothing. I wasn't really in the mood for a long walk at the moment, and staring at a rat suited my frame of mind perfectly. The rat didn't seem to mind my presence. She glanced at me a few times, her black eyes gleaming at the faint glow of the street lamp, and then returned to the moldy piece of bread. It was like she knew that I wasn't going to fight her for her food. Or fight to have her as food. No thanks, Miss Rat. I'd already eaten.

After the rat had finished eating, she took a big chunk of bread into her sharp little teeth and began to scurry home. I followed her silently. Great, now I was desperate enough to seek the company of a filthy rodent.

So what? I'm a vampire. I'm supposed to spend my time with rats or bats in a gloomy cemetery, wallowing in blood with my faithful servant Igor. Or was that the sidekick of Dr Frankenstein? Who cares?

My little companion was moving a bit faster and I had to run so I wouldn't lose sight of her. Damn, those little paws moved quickly.

I think we were almost at the nest when I heard someone's footsteps approaching. Tensing, I sneaked into the shadows, trying to be as quiet as I could. People didn't usually go walking in this part of town at this hour.

The steps were getting closer now. I wasn't afraid of whoever it was, but I was curious. Who would be foolish enough to wander around here in the dark alone?

I heard a muffled curse and then a familiar voice whispered frantically, "Damn you, Deadboy! If you're not here, I'm gonna kick your butt!"

"I didn't know you were interested in my butt." I couldn't help whispering that, but I made sure it was said so quietly that the boy didn't hear it. I waited until Xander had passed me and then hurried back through the alley and then headed left. I was determined to get in front of him and let him see me. It wouldn't be all that wise to startle a guy who was carrying stakes and bottles of holy water.

"Angel? Are you here?"

The use of my name sent shivers down my spine. He hardly ever called me that. Only in my dreams. I stepped out of the shadows about thirty yards from Xander and made enough noise so the young man wouldn't be startled. When I was certain he'd seen me, I walked towards him. "What do you want?"

Xander blinked. "Took you long enough, Deadboy. Come on, Buffy sent me to find you."

"Since when have you been running her errands? Why didn't she come herself?"

"Don't ask stupid questions! Buffy's hurt and we have a serious situation on our hands. Let's go!" He turned around and headed back the way he'd come.

The fact that he didn't even bother to insult me worried me most, and I followed him without any objections. We ran through the dark alleys. Xander stumbled a few times and I had to fight against the urge to help him back to his feet. Whatever had made him rush to find me had to be important and we couldn't waste time by getting into a fight.

We ran to the school. Xander opened the front door with Giles' key and then we scurried towards the library. I pushed the door open and froze.

Giles and Willow were fussing around Buffy. The Slayer was sitting on a table, holding her torn shirt over her chest while the Watcher was wrapping a bandage on her arm. I didn't see the wound, but the strong scent of blood told me it wasn't just a minor scratch.

"What happened?"

Buffy looked at me and I almost gasped. Her face was dirty and she looked like she'd been crying. There was a long gash on her left cheek. She tried to smile, even though it looked more like a grimace. "I ran into an ambush. I'd heard something about a mysterious death in the outskirts of Sunnydale and went to investigate."

My mind was reeling. An ambush? "Vampires?"

She nodded.

"Did you slay them?"

"One of them." She winced as Giles raised her arm a little. "Ouch. There were too many of them. I barely got away from there in one piece."

"Were they someone we know?"

"No. But I think their leader's called Thereweld or something like that."

Giles and I moaned in stereo. "Thorwald?"

"Friend of yours?" Willow said, raising an eyebrow. She'd probably been practicing that in front of a mirror.

Thorwald a friend of mine? Just like Spike was actually an altar boy. "No. I've met him a couple of times, though." If they thought Angelus had been bad, they didn't have a clue. Thorwald and his people were hell on earth.

Giles grunted something and after he'd finished bandaging Buffy's arm he hurried to the bookshelves. I guessed he'd come running back in a few minutes, carrying a thick old book about Scandinavian vampires.

I couldn't help myself and began to pace back and forth. I really hated it when old acquaintances came to visit the town. It was almost like the Hellmouth was some kind of a tourist attraction. 'Hey, it's time for the holidays. Let's see, there's the Grand Canyon, we could go to Niagara... Wait! Let's go and cause some mayhem on the Hellmouth!' Someone who wasn't all that squeamish about doing business with vampires, werewolves, ogres and other weirdoes could get rich by selling souvenirs. That was an interesting idea...

Pacing helped me to focus on the present. I almost smiled when I noticed that Xander was looking at me with an irritated look on his face. Apparently he wanted to pace too, but thought it would look ridiculous if we both began to stroll around the library. He saw I was looking at him, but surprisingly he didn't look away. He didn't say anything either, just looked at me with an odd expression on his face. I stared into his eyes for a moment and then tore my gaze off him. Damn. I hoped I wasn't blushing.

Willow was dabbing some antiseptic to Buffy's face when Giles came running back to the table. "Here! I just remembered this thick old book about Scandinavian vampires."

Told you so.

"I think there's a whole chapter in here about Thorwald and his gang." The Watcher browsed through the book, frowning as he read something. "I think we're in trouble. Thorwald has quite a reputation. It seems that..."

I sighed as he turned to me. It wasn't really my job to tell the mortals about what had happened. Actually, I didn't want to even think about it.

Giles lowered his chin and took a few deep breaths.

Oh, damn it! "He's killed a couple of Slayers. And he's made a vow that he'll kill every single Slayer he meets. You are lucky to be still alive," I said. I decided to leave all the gruesome details out of my explanation.

"Yeah, I feel really lucky!" Buffy laughed a little. "So now what? How long will he stay?"

She probably read the answer from my face before I actually said it. "If he knows you're a Slayer, he won't leave until you're dead."

"And me. It says here that he likes to kill the Watcher, too."

Why the hell did he have to say that out loud? I thought the Watcher's job was to calm the situation and then make a plan, not get everyone into a panic.

Willow paled a little, but her voice was calm when she asked Giles, "What do we do now? I mean, we're still safe here in the school, aren't we?"

"What? Oh, yes. I'm sorry, but Thorwald's reputation… Right. We treat this like all the other cases. Crosses, stakes, eat a pizza with extra garlic and don't invite anyone into your home."

Har har. The Brit never fails to take me out of a bad mood. He just flings me straight into suicidal melancholia.

Buffy pulled the remains of her sweater tighter around her and then slipped into her jacket. "I think my slaying's done for tonight. I'd better get home."

"We'll walk you home." Willow nudged Oz with her shoulder. "Isn't that right?"

Oz nodded and started to gather his stuff together.

"Xander?"

The boy shrugged. "Nah, I need to do something first. I'll see you all tomorrow."

Willow didn't even ask me. I guess I didn't really mind. I wasn't in the mood to play nursemaid to the Slayer anyway. No, I didn't resent Buffy now that we were no longer an item, but I tried to keep a safe distance between us. It was best for my mental health in the long run. And I'd noticed that she did the same. Maybe it was the only way we could remain friends.

The two girls and the hairball left the library and I looked at Giles. "I'll come here tomorrow, and we can think about a strategy. Don't try to handle this on your own. Thorwald isn't your ordinary vampire. He's very dangerous."

"Of course. I'll be here."

Where else? I nodded at him and then headed towards the door.

The school was empty, even the janitor had gone home, and I enjoyed walking through the dark corridors. I'd never gone to a real school, so the place didn't give me the creeps. The sound of my footsteps on the hard linoleum was actually quite pleasant.

"Hey, wait."

I was startled, and turned around to see Xander running down the hall. Leaning against the wall, I crossed my arms across my chest and waited for him to reach me. He hadn't talked to me voluntarily in ages, and when he had, it was usually something you couldn't really write down. The guy had quite a vocabulary. This time he didn't look like he was going to use some of his more colorful expressions, and I was curious what he had to say.

"What?"

He stopped right in front of me. "What didn't you tell us?"

"Huh?"

"You looked really strange for a moment there. Keeping secrets?"

I sighed. If he only knew. "No. I just remembered something that happened once. Or twice actually. It's nothing vital."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

What? This from Xander? "No."

I must have looked baffled, 'cause he smiled a little and then slowly patted my shoulder. "No sweat. I'm not gonna pull a cross from my pocket or anything. I've been thinking about... you know, the situation... and I think it's time to bury the hatchet for good."

"Um…" Yes, I was as articulate as a two years old. I wasn't certain how to interpret his words. Could it be that he was talking to me as a friend, or did he mean that he wanted to bury the hatchet in my chest?

Xander's smile widened to a grin. He waited patiently for me to gather my wits. It was unbelievable. The guy hated my guts, and now he was lightly touching my arm, waiting me to answer his peace offering.

"Why?"

The boy shook his head. "Why not? I've been wondering if you really cha… I mean, I…"

It was good to see that I wasn't the only stuttering idiot around here. "You weren't sure if I was really a good guy. Can't blame you. I was pretty awful."

"Yeah. I'm willing to try to forget all that, though. You?" He lifted his hand from my jacket and held it out to me.

I stared at the hand. Nice gesture, shaking hands, but I'd rather have hugged him. Or kissed him. Or maybe even… "Thank you, Xander." His hand was warm and I expected him to flinch at the coldness of mine. He didn't.

"So, now what?"

"I guess this'll take some time to get used to." Yeah. I didn't have to worry about saying something stupid or tensing every time he was near. Now I could accidentally bump into him, or maybe even pat his back if something went well. Down boy! My hand tingled in his grip and I had to pull it away, before my body overrode my mind's rather tenuous control over all the sexual urges I had concerning that wonderful young mortal.

Xander nodded. "Right. Um… So, I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"You can count on that." I saw that he didn't make a move to leave and frowned. "Was this the reason you didn't go with Buffy and the others?"

"Yeah. I thought I should talk to you in private and this seemed to be a perfect opportunity."

That was rather sweet, but I was appalled that he'd risk his life like that. "Go get your coat, I'll walk you home."

He looked a bit shocked, but then he squared his shoulders. "You don't have to patronize me. I'm not a baby."

"No, you're not. You're my friend. And I don't have so many friends that I'd stand by and let Thorwald or his goons kill one. I'll either walk with you or follow you home." There was nothing new in that. It wouldn't be the first time I played his guardian… Angel. Ooh, that was really lame.

"Oh." Xander looked a bit flushed. "Thanks."

I waited for him to get his stuff and then we walked out of the school side by side. He didn't live all that far from Sunnydale High, so it wasn't all that much trouble to see that he got home safely. Anyone would have done it for a friend. There was nothing suspicious in it. We didn't talk much while we walked, just enjoyed something that was new between us: Companionable silence.

Xander stopped in front of his house. He looked pensive and for a moment I thought he was going to say something unpleasant. Then he shook his head slightly and smiled. "See you tomorrow, Deadboy."

"Good night, Xander." I watched him walk to the door and then headed home.

---

See, that's just what I said about changes. I thought that my life had changed for good, but boy, was I wrong. That handshake didn't complete the change. It was just the beginning. What would come, would be The Change.

Yes, capital T, capital C.

That night I went back to my big house and spent a few hours thinking about the situation. Not about Thorwald, though. About Xander. We'd just exchanged a few words, but somehow it felt… Profound.

He'd even called me Angel. Stupid of me, but I couldn't stop thinking about that moment he'd said it in the dark alley. And I wondered what had made him change his mind about me. Was it my concern for Buffy? But there was nothing new in that. So what was it? Me acting like one of the 'good guys'? That was hardly new either.

I hate it when I start to wonder about something like that and can't stop twisting and turning the subject in my mind. Aaargh!

I didn't go out again that night. Thorwald had a very good memory, and I was certain he'd remember little old me. And I'd end up chained to the East side of some building, waiting for the first rays of the sun. No thank you. I felt perfectly safe at home, since the 'they can't come inside if not invited'-rule worked with me, too. There was no way in hell I'd ever invite another vampire into my home. I might be many things, but I was not a suicidal fool.

---

I was early the next evening. None of the others had arrived at the library yet. I'd had a quick meal and then went straight to see Giles. Of course the Watcher was already in the library. He was muttering something to himself as he organized a pile of books in front of him. "Damn children! I wish they knew how to handle books. Back in England they... Oh, hello, Angel."

I nodded at him and sauntered to a chair. "Any news?"

"No, not exactly. At least nothing that concerns you. Or the others."

Even if he hadn't taken off his glasses and tried to clean them with the hem of his tweed jacket, I would have known that was a lie. "Rupert. Don't lie to me."

He flinched, almost dropping his glasses. "I... Oh, all right. Another body was found this morning."

"And?" I lowered my voice so that it was just a growl.

"And Buffy and the others decided to investigate the matter. They should be here in an hour or so."

What? The sun had set over half an hour ago! Those damn idiots. Buffy wasn't in any condition to slay a fly, not to even mention an old and powerful vampire. "They? Are they all out there?"

Giles nodded. "Don't worry. Xander took an extra bag of stakes and crosses with him. And Willow has a new..."

I didn't care what she had. I got up and barged out of the library. I was half way down the hall before I remembered that I had no idea where to go. I scrambled back to where the Watcher was still standing with a shocked look on his face. "Where are they?"

"I... Oh, my god!" the Watcher stammered.

So I was wearing my game face. No wonder, I hadn't been this mad for months. I had an overwhelming urge to grab his shoulders and shake the answer from him, but I had to at least try to calm down. "I'll ask this just once. Where are they?"

"Bronze. A few blocks from the Bronze, that's where the body was found. As I was saying, Willow..."

I still wasn't interested and this time I made it to the yard without interruptions. I ran through the streets, not minding the noise I made. I just knew I had to get my friends back to the library as soon as I could. Divide and conquer, that had been Thorwald's strategy for centuries. If Buffy and the others were running around, trying to slay him, they'd most likely already been separated from each other somehow. It was easy to ambush a person who didn't have anyone watching his or her back.

Sunnydale isn't really all that big a town, and it didn't take me long to reach the Bronze. Unlike the other day, the place was now packed, and I tried to scan the crowd. In a few minutes I realized that my friends weren't there and rushed back out to continue my search.

I almost got myself seriously hurt when I ran into Willow. Maybe I should have listened to Giles after all. Willow was wearing a big sweater that had a huge cross embroidered onto the front. I recoiled back with disgust.

"Angel! You startled me! I'm testing this new theory about safe clothing. What do you think of the sweater? Does it work? It's not really my style, but Buffy didn't..."

"Shut up and listen. Your life is in danger." If she was alone, the others were probably, too. "Where's Xander? And Buffy?"

"Um, I think Buffy's over there." She gestured with her left hand.

"And Xander?"

"I don't know. He was right here..."

Oh, man! I hoped I wasn't too late. "Get back to the school right now. Don't stop for anything and use well-lit streets. Go!"

She blinked a few times.

"Go!" I snarled.

Willow nodded and then hurried away. I watched her run for a moment, making sure she was going in the right direction, and then rushed into the alley she had pointed at. Hearing yells and grunts, I followed the sounds.

Buffy was fighting for her life and she wasn't doing a very good job. She was up against the wall, grimacing with pain as she moved her right arm. Three vampires were stalking her.

I didn't hesitate for a second and jumped in front of the vampires. Buffy yelled my name and I grabbed the stake she threw to me. I impaled one of the other vampires and then rolled out of the way as Buffy threw a vial of holy water into another one's face. It was good that she could aim well with both hands or I could have died. Even so, the water splashed a bit too close to my feet. Two close calls in five minutes. It was definitely not my night.

The third vampire used her brain and ran away.

"Thanks, Angel." Buffy was panting hard. She moved closer to me and winced as she jostled her injured arm. "Have you seen Xander?"

"No."

She looked nauseous. "Damn. He was following one of the vampires. The last time we saw him, he said something about needing to hear more about Thorwald's plan. He didn't explain where he'd heard about it, but I think it's about trying to rule the world or something like that."

That was Thorwald all right. He'd always had delusions of grandeur. "We need a plan before we can go against Thorwald. You go back to the school and stay there. Willow's already there. I'll find Xander."

"Be careful."

I nodded.

It was hard trying to find the boy. I didn't know where Thorwald's gang was staying, and hoped they hadn't taken Xander to their lair. There would be no way to rescue him from there. I was running as fast as I could, but I was getting a bit desperate.

I wondered what the hell the engineer had been thinking when he'd planned this area of the town. There were dozens of narrow alleys crisscrossing and not nearly enough street lamps. It was an almost too ideal place for vampires. I hurried from one alley to another.

As I was entering a particularly dark alleyway, I stumbled into something and fell on my face. I looked at the ground and felt shivers run down my spine. The brown bag was all too familiar. The bag was slightly torn and I could see that it was still full of Xander's vampire-slaying stuff. That meant that he was now somewhere unarmed. I got up and continued running, concentrating all my senses on finding him.

When I finally found him, it was almost too late. I didn't hear or see anything, but I could smell his blood, and followed the scent to a dead end. I growled when I saw a scrawny young boy hunched over an unmoving form, making disgusting slurping noises.

Pulling the other vampire off Xander, I threw him to the wall. I looked around frantically and, after spotting a broken wooden crate, impaled the idiot with a piece of wood.

I was at Xander's side before the body hit the ground and turned into dust.

I wasn't almost too late. I was too late. I wasn't into praying, but I did curse when I saw Xander's neck. The other vampire hadn't drained him, but had ripped his throat open, and his blood was flowing from the wound. I threw my leather jacket off and tore my shirt to get something to use as a pressure bandage, but even as I tried to stop the bleeding, I knew there was nothing I could do. Blood was pulsing out of his artery with every single beat of his heart.

Xander shuddered when he felt my touch and then raised his hands to grab mine. "Help..."

"No, don't speak." I'd seen hundreds of people die like this, but I was still horrified. I didn't want to see this person die. Not now, not like this. My hands were slippery with his blood and it was hard to keep the piece of cloth in place. I was so shocked, I didn't even feel the urge to feed from him. The very thought made me nauseous.

"Ha... to. Info... Take... worl..." he gurgled.

"They're going to try to take over the world?"

Xander looked relieved. "I... know... detai.."

I felt his blood gush over my jeans. Shit! "Xander..."

"Help..."

The whimper tore my heart. "I wish I could. Dear god, Xander, I wish there was something I could do to help you. But I can't do anything. It's too late."

The boy closed his eyes. "Can't die... Have to stop... Need... what I know..."

"You know their plans and you need to tell them to me? I'll listen." He'd have to do it fast. He didn't have much time left. If his story was long or detailed, it was probable that he'd take it with him to his grave.

"No... time..." Xander opened his eyes and looked straight into mine. I could see the determination in those deep pools of misery. "Give... me... time... to... tell... Buf..."

I froze, certain that I'd heard wrong. Surely he didn't mean what I thought he meant. It had to be something else. But it couldn't be anything else. There was only one way he could tell Buffy or anyone about what Thorwald was planning to do.

"No." I couldn't do that. Not to him. Not to anyone.

"Please..."

He didn't have the strength to say more. I could hear his heartbeat falter and pressed the wound harder. I tried to think of something to say to him. Anything. But I had no words. Nothing could make this all right. Not even telling him about my feelings. It would probably just spoil the last moments he had on earth. At least he didn't have to worry about going to hell. That place wasn't really something you looked forward to.

That gave me an idea. His expression was so pained that I thought I should at least try to explain why I refused to even think about doing what he'd asked. "Xander. I can't take you. Even vampires who have souls will probably go to hell eventually. You don't want to go there." I had no idea if that was true, but I couldn't risk it.

"I'm... one... person... If... he..." He looked desperate. "All... go..."

I couldn't watch him struggle with the words. Besides I had pretty good idea of what he was trying to tell me. "If his plan works, the whole world goes to hell. Is that it?"

Xander tried to nod. "Please... If...I... soulless... kill... me... later."

"I don't think I could do that." And I didn't think Buffy could either.

I didn't want to make this choice. How was I to choose whether to let him die in peace or be in agony for the rest of eternity? The responsibility was too great. Even if he kept his soul when he came back as a vampire, he would be damned. No. Better let him die naturally. In this dark little alley, in my arms.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I can't."

He closed his eyes again, his breathing getting even more shallow. A lone tear trickled down his cheek. "Re'pnsbility. .."

Oh, shit! Even I could understand that sentiment. He felt that saving the world was his duty as the helper of the Slayer.

Could I do it? Could I do the same to him that I'd done to Spike and Dru? Could I take him to the other side, knowing well that no one would thank me for that deed? Not even him? His friends would be horrified at best. In the worst case scenario Buffy would have to hunt her former friend down and kill him. Kill the man I loved.

"I can't..." My voice was choked. I couldn't. It was as simple as that. I couldn't.

I couldn't let him die. If there was any chance that he might survive all this, I'd take it.

"Xander, look at me."

He opened his eyes and focused his gaze on me. He didn't flinch when he saw my game face, but his pupils dilated slightly. I searched his face for any sign of fear or indecision, but found only resolve. He opened his mouth, but I silenced him with a finger over his lips. He was so weak now that the struggle to get out even one word could have been too much.

"Don't say anything. You do understand what you're asking from me, don't you? You want me to make you a vampire so you can help us save the world. And if you're a soulless vampire, you want me to pull the information out of you by any means necessary and then kill you. Is that it? Is that what you really want me to do?"

Xander blinked, more tears spilling to his cheeks.

"If that was 'yes', blink twice."

Looking straight into his eyes, I swallowed as I saw the bright tears shining in his incredibly long lashes. He blinked two times, not breaking the eye contact.

Waiting was unnecessary. Slowly removing my hand from his throat, I lowered my head before he bled to death. The scent of his blood was maddening and before I could think, I lapped the thick, warm liquid from his neck. The taste of his blood was sweet and clear. It was the only thing I could think about.

I tried not to hurt him more, but my fangs still pierced his skin. He didn't even tense. He was beyond pain now.

Xander's heartbeat echoed in my mind, his blood running through my veins. I was closer to him than I had ever wanted to be. And yet, I needed to get even closer. It wasn't enough that he was now a part of me, pulsing through me like a low electrical current. I had to get inside him as well.

The moment had to be right. The second before his heart stopped beating, I slit my own throat open and guided his mouth to the wound. For a terrifying moment he was still. Some people never pass that moment. They just slowly slip away and no amount of vampiric blood could bring them back. A part of me prayed that he was one of those people.

He wasn't. After just a second's hesitation I felt his mouth close on my throat and he started sucking. The dizzy feeling that came from the loss of blood made me sway a little, and I was glad I was already on my knees. That way I didn't break anything when I fell on my face. I sprawled on top of Xander, my whole consciousness filled with him.

I had eaten earlier, but one cup of blood wasn't enough to make a new vampire. I felt out of breath, overwhelmed, and knew that he was draining me. Even though it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, I pushed him away and then blindly sought his neck again. Like it usually did when someone was given vampire blood, the horrible wound was already healed, and I sank my fangs into that soft, sweaty skin. His arms tightened around me, pulling me closer to him, melding our bodies together. We lay there together and the taste of his... our blood made me almost swoon.

I drank from him, he drank from me, then it was my turn again.

I have no idea how long we spent in that little alley, feeding each other blood and life energy, but it felt like an eternity. When we were finished, I got to my feet and waited for Xander to gather his wits. He hadn't said anything yet, and I was anxious to hear his first words as a vampire.

Would he still have his soul? Was it foolish to even wish for it? Could Willow put a spell on him, too, if he didn't have it, or would I have to fulfill my promise and end his life? And very likely end my own life, as well. Dozens of questions went through my mind, the answer to them all still lying at my feet.

Xander made a strangled noise and I instinctively bent down to see if he was all right. What I saw made me feel a lot better. He was crying. Harsh sounds of desperation, sobs raking his body, tears running down his cheeks. And the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen: Pure, sweet emotion in his eyes. Pain, remorse, fear. Something only a feeling person could have and that couldn't be faked. Something you needed your soul to feel.

I'd seen hell. Now I saw what heaven could be.

I touched his shoulder and he stilled, trying to compose himself. In a few moments he stopped trembling and I helped him up from the cold ground. Not that he'd have even felt the coldness outside his body.

"Angel?" My name was just a whisper.

"It's all right, Xander. You lost your life, but you didn't lose your soul." I had no idea why he hadn't. Could it be because I still had mine? Or could it be that my love somehow protected him? A foolishly selfish and romantic thought, but I couldn't banish it from my mind.

"I didn't? Thank god!"

"You didn't. But I think we should ask Willow to put a spell on you anyway so you'll never lose it."

Xander nodded. He ran his hands over his face and then opened his mouth slightly and touched his teeth with the tip of his tongue. "Funny, I don't feel any different."

I couldn't help laughing. His amazed words broke the tension and soon we were both laughing. I restrained myself from ruffling his hair and handed him my leather jacket. His own coat had disappeared somewhere and the only shirt he was wearing was all bloody. He couldn't walk through the town looking like the only survivor of a carnage. I was glad that I had a clean T-shirt on, so I didn't have to run around half naked. I shrugged the remains of my torn silk shirt off, wiping my hands relatively clean on it before throwing it to the ground.

"You're not different. Not much, anyway. You're still a smartass."

"Gee, thanks." He looked at me, still smiling. "I see you're your charming old self too."

"Oh, shut up, Harris." There was no anger in my voice.

Xander took a deep breath. "Right. We should be going back to see the others now."

I nodded. "Let's go. They're all waiting for us in the library." I saw his raised eyebrow --maybe he'd practiced that with Willow-- and explained. "I saw Buffy and Willow and sent them back to Giles. Coming here without a proper plan was one of the most idiotic things you've ever done."

"Can't really argue that. Not in my condition."

Xander's words were so full of pain. "Don't worry. Everything will be all right."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

We didn't stop to get his bag. Most of its contents had spilled out into the street and neither of us could touch the crosses to get all his stuff together. I grabbed two sharp stakes, handing the other one to him, just in case we ran into Thorwald. Then we continued towards the school.

The front door wasn't locked and I stepped inside without hesitation. The door slammed shut right behind me and I turned around to see why Xander hadn't followed me in. Pushing the door open, I sighed when I saw him standing in the yard. He'd wrapped his arms around himself and was shivering.

"What is it?"

"I can't face them. Not now. I... I'm sorry, but this is too much. I just..."

So the shock was only now hitting him with full force. Too bad I couldn't cut him any slack now.

"You just need time? We don't have any. At this very moment Thorwald could be killing another innocent human or he could be sending the whole world straight to hell."

That got his attention. "You're right. That's the reason all this happened. Let's go." He stepped closer to the door and then froze. "Angel?"

"What?" I could really get used to him calling me that. Somehow I didn't think he'd ever call me Deadboy again.

"Can I get inside without..."

I smiled wryly. "You're still a student here, so I think it means you're invited. But just in case, please come in, Alexander Harris."

"Thanks, I guess." He grimaced, and for a moment I thought he'd stick his tongue out at me. I didn't understand why he didn't like the sound of his full name. Alexander, 'man's defender'. I thought it suited him perfectly.

We walked through the empty corridors, our footsteps loud in the quiet building. I matched my steps to his and it sounded like there was only one creature walking. Almost like the sound of our one heartbeat, that we shared for a few seconds in the alley before it disappeared forever. We stopped at the restroom and I went to wash the remaining traces of blood from my hands.

Xander didn't really hesitate when we reached the library, but he still let me go in first. I didn't make any comments, just stepped right in.

Buffy, Giles and Willow all turned to look at the door when I stepped in. Buffy rushed to meet me and grabbed my hands. "Thank goodness you're all right. Did you find Xander?"

"He found me all right." Xander's tired voice came from behind me. "And I wouldn't be here without him."

Willow squealed with joy and rushed to hug her oldest friend. When she was passing by me, I remembered what she was wearing and grabbed her arm. "Stop. Don't touch him!"

The three mortals stared at me like I'd lost my mind. I just shrugged and flashed out a dazzling smile. My boyish charm had worked before, so that should do the trick now. It did. Willow's gaze flickered from me to Xander and then back to me. She nodded and I let her go.

Giles cleared his throat. "What happened out there?"

"I think Xander has something to tell us all." I turned to Xander and noticed how unnaturally pale he was, even for a vampire. "About Thorwald and his plans."

"Right." He sounded relieved.

We went to sit around the table. Giles carried all the old books and documents he'd found about Thorwald there and then gave us a short lecture about the vampire. I didn't really listen to him. I already knew all I needed to know about the Scandinavian.

I didn't stare at Xander, but I kept an eye on him. Nothing too obvious, I just wanted to be sure he was all right. He looked like he always did, listening to Giles' story with interest and nodding slightly at the Watcher from time to time. I was glad that Giles had decided to talk about Thorwald first, so that my friend could compose himself before talking about what he'd heard earlier that night.

He would also have to tell the others about his new condition. The next day was a school day and he had to give some explanation for why he wouldn't be able to attend his classes. I was not looking forward to it.

"And so everyone who's made an entry in the journals has come to the conclusion that Thorwald is one of the most dangerous vampires there is." Giles finished his lecture and looked at Buffy.

She nodded. "I only saw him from a distance. At least I think it was him. Tall, blond man who looked like he spent a long time fixing his hair every evening."

I almost laughed at that.

"We managed to kill two of his followers..."

"Three." I think it was safe to put the man who had killed Xander into the same category.

Buffy's eyebrows raised and she looked impressed. "Really? Wow. Anyway, we killed three of his followers and if Giles' books are correct, Thorwald won't leave before he's avenged their deaths."

"He won't leave anyway. He's in Sunnydale to use the powers of this place to take over the world." Xander's quiet words made us all turn to him. "I was standing in front of the Bronze when I saw a thin vampire grab one of the girls in our class and drag her into the shadows. I followed them, but before I had the chance to rescue her, they stumbled into Thorwald. I heard the blond guy yelling at the other vampire that he was an idiot to hunt from a crowd and that he'd expose them all. The skinny one whined that he was hungry and that he was tired of winos. Thorwald roared that maybe he wasn't really suited to be one of his 'men' if he couldn't wait until the Equinox to have a proper meal."

Giles looked surprised. "The Spring Equinox? Why?"

"Thorwald has something called the Tear of Odin, and he's going to seize the power of the world with it."

"Odin's Tear?" The Watcher frowned and got to his feet. Then he scurried to the bookshelf where he kept all the mythological books. In just a few seconds he returned with a beautiful leather-bound book.

We waited silently as he browsed through the book. Then he found the right chapter. He read quietly for a few moments and when he lifted his gaze from the book, his face was white.

"We're in trouble. It says here that the Tear of Odin is one of the most powerful crystals in the world. It's no bigger than a man's heart, but if someone can harness its powers, he can rule the whole world with it. Listen. 'If a man holds the Tear over a cup of innocent blood in the right place at the right time, and says the proper prayer, he will have the power over all the demons and soulless children of the night. He shall be the master of everything unholy.' That sounds rather frightening."

No shit, Einstein.

I saw Xander nod. "They talked about the ceremony. It's definitely held here."

Buffy shook her head. "We have over a week until the Equinox. We can still stop them."

At least this time we had a solid time frame and it wasn't anything like 'in the next five minutes'.

"How can we do that?"

"I have no idea."

I was thinking fast. "We have to kill Thorwald, but that's not enough. We also have to get the Tear and make sure no one can use it again. Is there anything in the book that might help us to destroy it?"

Giles moved the pages and then smiled. "It says here that the only way to break the Tear is by the power of Freya."

"Who?"

Willow chuckled at her friend's dumbfound expression. "She's the goddess of love in Scandinavian mythology, Buffy."

"Oh. So we need to find some lovebirds to destroy it?" Buffy sounded incredulous. "Isn't that a bit too much?"

I didn't say anything, just made damn sure that my eyes didn't stray to the young man next to me. Too bad unrequited love probably wouldn't work. Well, at least we had Willow and Oz.

Giles shook his head. "I'm not sure. It could mean that, but it could also mean that we need to make some ritual before Freya and then smash the Tear. I think we should get familiar with Scandinavian mythology before we make any further plans."

"Great," Willow groaned. "This is gonna be a loooong night."

"Don't whine. We haven't got much time and..."

"There's something else you should know."

We had completely forgotten that Xander hadn't finished his story. I cursed silently. Of course there had to be more. He wouldn't have asked me to vampirize him if the only things he needed to say to us were 'Tear of Odin' and 'Thorwald'. He would have been able to say that even with the torn throat. The thought made me shiver.

"I don't know why Thorwald and his goon didn't notice me, but I was able to follow them through the alleys. They were dragging the girl with them and I was determined to see if I could still help her. Then I lost sight of them and stumbled into Buffy."

The Slayer nodded. "And I told you not to go after them."

"I had to." Xander sighed. "And it was good I went. I heard something that might help us with our work. First of all, the vampires have the Tear, but they need to get the cup too. Apparently it has to be a certain cup. Thorwald thinks it's buried somewhere in the cemetery. And it can be found only when the moon is full."

"Full moon? It's two nights from now."

"Yeah. Second, he has his eyes on an innocent person. A certain innocent person. Someone we all know."

Buffy flinched as he turned to stare at her. "Me? But I'm not all that innocent!"

"You're innocent enough. You're fighting against the Forces of Darkness. That'll do." Giles shut the book and glanced at Xander. "Anything else? What happened to the girl?"

"I couldn't save her. At that point, just after Thorwald had left the other vampire and taken her with him, I tried to follow them but I stumbled over an old wooden box and fell. The skinny vampire heard that and attacked me. Angel saved me and we came here."

The mortals looked at me and I shrugged. It wasn't my place to tell them about what had really happened.

Giles rubbed his temples. "Splendid. Now, we should get all the information available on Thorwald, the Tear and Scandinavian mythology. We also need to find out where to find the cup. If we can destroy it, the Tear probably won't work. Willow, you search everything about Odin and Freya. Xander, you look into the Tear. Buffy, the cup. I'll see if I can find out something more about Thorwald." He looked at me hesitantly.

"I'll help too." I couldn't leave without Xander. He needed me.

The Watcher looked surprised. "Really? Well, you can help Willow with the mythology."

Willow yawned and then stretched. "I'm going to go and get some soda first. I'll fall asleep if I don't get any caffeine. You want something?"

"Thanks, Willow. Bring me a Coke too." Buffy grinned. "I'll even pay for it."

"Giles?"

"No thank you."

"Xander?"

I half expected that he'd say that he doesn't drink... Coke, like some bad Dracula impersonator, but he just shook his head. "Nah. I'm okay."

Willow nodded and then went to find the vending machine.

The others went to search for the books. I got up too and paced for a while, but I couldn't really concentrate on that. I was too upset to be worried.

I heard a 'thud' and then Xander cursed silently. Without thinking, I rushed to see what had happened. He was standing next to a huge book that had just barely missed his toes when it had fallen down. He looked disgusted and then bent down to pick it up. "Could you help me wi..." His eyes widened as he lifted the book quite easily.

I grabbed the book just as it slipped out of his nerveless fingers. I placed it on the shelf and then sighed. "You knew that vampires are stronger than mortals."

"Yes, but it's another thing to actually be able to lift that monstrosity like it's just a piece of paper."

"Xander. When are you going to tell the others?"

"When I'm ready."

"And when is that? In five minutes? An hour? Tomorrow? Next week? When?"

He looked angrier than I'd ever seen him. "That's none of your business!"

"Xander..."

"Stop it!" he hissed, his fangs flashing in the soft light. When he realized that his face had twisted into that gruesome mask, he gasped and then began to hyperventilate.

I must say that seeing Xander in all his vampiric 'glory' startled me too. I stepped closer to him and put my hand tentatively on his shoulder. When he didn't pull back, I hugged him tight. "Shh. Try to calm down. It'll be all right. Just calm down and your face will be normal."

He shook for a moment and then took a deep breath. As soon as he stopped shaking I let him go. Trying to cope with being a vampire was hard enough for him without having another vampire pawing him. When he looked up, his face was wet, but normal again.

"Thanks." He gave me a wobbly smile. "I seem to be thanking you all the time now."

"I can handle it. You okay now?"

"No. But I will be. Ask me again in a century or two." Xander looked sad. "This is really hard, you know."

I did. "Yeah. I shouldn't have pushed you. Sorry."

He looked at me with his mouth slightly open and he looked so kissable I had to get away from him before I did something stupid. I patted his shoulder and returned to the table.

Willow came back with two bottles and a few candy bars and she was opening the bottles when the others walked to the table, all carrying books. Willow handed the opened bottle to Buffy and then grabbed the other one. She worked with the cap, looking at Xander with a small frown. Then she turned to me.

"Angel? Why is Xander wearing your jacket? And why are you dressed in that?"

Buffy and Giles looked at Xander and then turned to me. The Brit's mouth twitched a little at the sight of me trying to look like running around in a T-shirt was something I was used to. I didn't know what to say to the mortals and just stood there.

Xander laughed nervously. "I lost my jacket when that vampire attacked me. Angel was kind enough to loan me his."

If he didn't want to raise any suspicions, that was definitely the worst thing he could say.

"Xander? Are you all right? You just said something nice about Angel."

The boy looked at Willow and shrugged. "So?"

"Nothing."

Buffy smiled at me. "You were nice to do that for Xander. It's really cold out there."

"Yeah."

"But I don't understand why you're still wearing it. It's not cold in here." Giles cocked his head.

Of course he had to say that. Xander looked at me and then sighed. "No. It's not cold in here." He closed his eyes and then slowly peeled the jacket off.

The three mortals gasped. Xander's shirt was torn and it was really hard to miss all the dried blood on the front. He didn't look at his friends as he handed the jacket to me. I took it and draped it over the back of the chair. Then I sat down. "So, can we now continue with the matter at hand?"

Buffy walked closer to Xander and reached out with her hand. "My god, Xander. What happened?"

"I already told you. A vampire attacked me and Angel saved me."

Willow joined Buffy and pushed Xander's collar aside. There were no marks on his throat. She laughed with relief and tried to hug her friend.

Everything went to hell in a handbasket. Xander yelped and stumbled back. He landed on his ass and cringed when Willow bent down to see if he was all right. I jumped to pull the young woman away from Xander. "Don't touch him! You'll kill him with that damn sweater of yours." He was so young, he could actually die from that.

There was a shocked silence. Everyone stared at me. Xander had covered his eyes with his hand and was making small whimpering sounds. I went to help him up and was surprised to see that his face was normal when he looked up at me. He was laughing hysterically.

I guided him back to the table and then turned to the mortals. "Sit down. We need to talk."

"Whose blood is that?" Buffy's voice was quiet. She didn't move one step closer to the table. Neither did the others. They just stared at me.

Xander answered her question. "It's my blood. The vampire who attacked me tore my throat and was draining me when Angel found us. I would have died if he hadn't intercepted."

"But there are no marks on your throat. Are you sure he really managed to bite you?" Willow's words were plaintive. It was like she needed to hear some explanation, that she would believe any explanation, as long as it wasn't the most obvious. As long as it wasn't the truth. "What if you just thought that he bit you? I mean it can be pretty frightening to be held down by a vampire."

"Willow. He bit me. I was there."

"And yet you're okay! I don't understand."

"Willow..."

"You miserable bastard!" Buffy screamed suddenly and grabbed a stake from the table. She raised it and advanced me slowly. "What the hell did you do to Xander?"

I couldn't say anything to defend myself. I'd known that everyone would hate me for what I'd done. The fact that she now wanted to kill me didn't surprise me at all.

She was so close that if she wanted to, she could impale me with the stake. I didn't move a muscle. I couldn't fight her back. Her hand was already injured and she could get really hurt if she fell on that piece of wood. Even though I didn't love her in a romantic sense anymore, I still cared for her very deeply. I couldn't hurt her.

Then I didn't have to worry about fighting her when Xander stepped between us, shielding me with his body.

"Get out of my way, Xander!" Buffy snarled.

"No." His voice was calm. "If you start slaying vampires here, you'll have to start with me. Angel just did what I asked him to do."

"No..."

"Yes. I had to do this. I had to tell you about Thorwald's plans. There was nothing else I could do."

The stake fell to the floor and Buffy followed it a second later. She rocked herself back and forth, making a keening sound. I wanted to hold her, but knew she didn't want me near her. I stood still with Xander while Giles and Willow went to help her.

Xander turned to me and the look on his face hit me hard. He looked so lost. "Angel, please can we go now? Please?"

I wanted to take him away from there, but I knew that if we left now, he'd never have the courage to come back. I shook my head. "We can't leave now. They're your friends. They'll understand." I hoped I was right.

He walked to Giles' counter, his shoulders drooping. I didn't move. I waited for Buffy to stop crying and then walked slowly to her.

Willow looked at me with hurt in her eyes, and Giles glared at me, and then they stepped away from us. I squatted down next to Buffy. "I didn't do it to hurt you. I didn't plan to do it. I'd never do anything to hurt you or your friends."

"Then why did you do it?"

I couldn't really tell her the truth.

"He did it because I begged him to."

We all looked at Xander. He had turned back to us and was smiling sadly. "The skinny vampire attacked me and I didn't have my bag with me. I'd dropped it when I followed Thorwald. I know, it was idiotic, but the stakes and crosses made this little rattling noise and I needed to be very quiet. So I didn't have any weapons."

"You don't have to..." Willow started and then fell silent when Xander shook his head.

"Yes I do. And you have to hear it. He pushed me down on my back and then sank his teeth to my neck. It hurt for a moment, but then all the pain went away. I was paralyzed and the only thing I could feel was pressure on my neck when he sucked the blood from me."

It was crazy, but that made me jealous. I didn't want anyone else but me to even touch him. Ever.

"And the only thing that really hurt was the thought that I wouldn't be able to tell you about Thorwald's plan. And that I'd never have the chance to tell..." He smiled wryly. "You all how... um, you know."

That made Willow smile. "We all love you too."

I knew I did.

Xander moved a little towards her and then stopped. Willow snorted and then grabbed the hem of her sweater. She pulled it over her head with one fluid movement and threw it to the ground. Then she rushed to hug her oldest friend. I had to swallow when I saw the look on Xander's face. At least he hadn't lost everything.

When Willow let him go, Giles stepped closer to him. "I'm glad I didn't lose one of my best researchers." He looked a bit embarrassed, patting Xander's shoulder.

"Why did you step between Angel and the stake?" Buffy was standing now, squeezing her hands into fists. "Is it because he made you into what you are?"

Xander cocked his head. "No. I just didn't want you to kill a friend. You would have hated yourself afterwards."

"So you still have your soul? How can that be?"

Xander looked at me and I shrugged. "We don't know. I think Willow should put a spell on him anyway, so that he never loses it."

"Of course I will. That's what friends are for." She said it to Xander, not even glancing at me.

Buffy sighed. "What happens next? You can't come to school. You can't go back home. How will you explain to others that you only go out at night? If you stay here in Sunnydale, people will talk."

It was almost as if she wanted to hurt us both on purpose. Maybe she did. Couldn't really blame her.

"I don't know..."

"We'll work something out. He can stay with me for a while."

I shrugged when I felt everyone's eyes on me. What did they think? That I'd just leave him to figure this all out by himself? I wouldn't have done that even if I didn't love him. But then again, I wouldn't have made him a vampire in the first place if I didn't have any feelings towards him.

Buffy looked like she wanted to argue with that, but then she sighed. She walked to Xander, not touching him, but showing him that she wasn't mad or afraid of him. "Sorry, Xander. I was way out of line. It's just that... "

Xander nodded. "I know. It's cool."

"I'm sorry to interrupt this, but I'd really like to hear the rest of your story. No one has ever written down what being bitten by and then becoming a vampire felt like." Giles obviously wanted to get over all the emotional stuff. It worked. We all returned to the table and the Watcher grabbed a pencil and a sheet of paper. "You said that the vampire started to drain you."

"Right. I felt weak and couldn't struggle. Then Angel was there and everything was all right."

I think I blushed. A blushing vampire. I hope Giles didn't write that down.

"He killed the other vampire and then tried to stop me from bleeding to death."

Giles looked surprised. He turned to me. "You could do that even with all the blood in front of you?"

"Yes." I didn't elaborate. It wasn't their business. Usually the scent of that much blood would have made any ordinary vampire crazy with hunger. But this was different. It was Xander's blood we were talking about. And let's face it, I'm no ordinary vampire.

Xander glanced at me. "Do you mind if I tell them everything that happened?"

"He'd better not!" Buffy's voice was icy.

"No. Go ahead." Actually I wanted to hear it, too.

He nodded. "I knew from the look on his face that I didn't have a prayer. I was toast. But I knew I couldn't die there. Not if I had any chance to warn you guys. So I asked him to give me time. I couldn't speak very well because of my torn throat, but he understood what I was asking. He said no." Xander glanced at me and smiled.

I felt a lump on my throat.

"I asked him again. Begged actually. And he asked if I understood what I was asking. And I said yes."

Buffy looked at me suspiciously. "Is that what happened?"

More or less. "Yes."

The ice in her eyes melted slightly, but her gaze was still hard. She nodded and then turned back to Xander.

"Then he made me a vampire."

"How?"

Xander was quiet for a moment and then he shook his head. "I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet. It was so... I don't know how to describe it. He drank my blood and then I drank his, but there was more..."

So he had felt it too. That intimacy, the deep knowledge of the other. It wasn't something that was there with every sire when they made a childe. Actually, I'd never felt it before. "It's really not something you can understand if you haven't gone through it yourself." It was hard for me to get it, too, even though I'd been there.

"And when it was over, I was surprised that I didn't feel different. I was just like I'd always been. And I still don't have any urge to kill anyone or drink people's blood. I'm still the same old Xander." He glanced at me and after I nodded, he shrugged. "That's about it."

Giles was scribbling something down frantically and then looked at us with an awed expression on his face. "This is really amazing. To hear a detailed story like this... Wonderful! Thank you both."

Xander smiled. "You're welcome."

It was so ridiculous. I began to laugh. A few moments later Xander joined me and then we were all laughing. It was a bit hysterical, but it felt good anyway.

Willow yawned. Giles noticed it and stood up. "I think we should call it a night. We won't be able to accomplish anymore tonight. How about if we all gather here tomorrow right after the sun sets? We need to try to stop Thorwald from getting that cup."

"You're right. We're in no condition to think straight. And we can't really do anything before the full moon anyway. I don't think it's wise to go after Thorwald if even half of what the books say is true." Willow nudged Buffy. "Let's go."

The Slayer looked like she wanted to say something more, but then she nodded. They went to gather their belongings and I whispered to Xander that we should go now.

We disappeared into the night. Not very far, though. We hid in the shadows and then followed the girls home. It wasn't all that hard. They were both so upset that they didn't pay any attention to two friendly vampires sneaking around behind them. That wasn't exactly a good thing.

When Willow had disappeared into her house, I turned to Xander. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"To my place. I thought we agreed that you'll stay with me now."

He looked a little sad. "I can go home. My parents are out of town. Once again."

"No can do. We need to talk. You need to eat."

He shuddered, but didn't say anything. He just started to walk towards my house. I followed him quietly. I had no idea what he was thinking about. No wonder, since I wasn't sure of my own thoughts either. Not to mention my feelings.

When we reached my house, I opened the door and then casually invited him in. So much for keeping other vampires out. He nodded and then crossed the threshold.

I gestured towards the bedroom. "You'll find some clean clothes in the closet. The bathroom's right over there, if you want to take a shower. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Fine." He disappeared into the bedroom.

I was feeling ravenous. After rummaging through the fridge I put two cups of blood in the microwave oven. Wonderful invention, that is. Blood wasn't really all that bad cold, but the aroma and the taste were perfect when it was heated. I sipped my dinner and sighed. It felt good to have something warm inside, even if the warmth didn't last for long. When I'd finished with the first cup, I decided that since I'd lost almost all I'd eaten earlier when I made Xander a vampire, I could indulge myself, and poured myself another one.

I was tapping the microwave's control keys when Xander came into the kitchen. His hair was slightly damp. He looked tired and I gestured at him to take a seat. Then I handed him his cup. "Eat slowly so you don't get sick."

He stared at the cup and then gagged. "I can't drink that! It's blood!"

"Yes, it's blood. It's what vampires eat. You're a vampire. Eat."

That made him spill half the contents of the cup on the white tablecloth. He stared at the red stain and then lowered the cup to the table. "I don't think I can handle this."

I wanted to comfort him, but couldn't. I'd never seen this happen to another vampire before, but if he felt anything like I had after I'd gotten my soul back it had to be dreadful. And I had to be the one to keep him in line. I really didn't want to wake up the next evening and find out that he'd taken a stroll in the sun.

"Xander, listen to me. You asked me to make you a vampire because you wanted to keep Buffy and the others safe. Thorwald's still alive. If you don't eat, you can't help us fight against him."

There was misery in his eyes. "I know."

"It's no worse than a rare steak. It's not human blood. No one, nothing, had to die just for you." I took his cup and lifted it up so he could smell it better. "Close your eyes."

He looked a little stunned, but did as I asked. I moved the cup slowly under his nose, not saying anything that might frighten him, just making sure that he couldn't escape the scent of warm blood. His new instincts did the rest. His hands came up as if they were drawn to the cup and he grabbed it, guiding it to his mouth. I didn't let go until he'd swallowed the last drop.

I was mesmerized by the look that came to his face when he finally opened his eyes. It was half disgust, half wonder. "I never thought it would taste like that."

"I know. I'm sorry I had to force you, but..."

"No sweat." He glanced at my cup. "You haven't finished yours."

Looking him straight in the eyes, I raised the cup to my lips and let the warm liquid pour down my throat. I had never felt so self-conscious about eating before. I swallowed and then wiped my mouth on a napkin.

That gesture made Xander smile. "Well, at least we're not totally barbaric."

"You know a lot about vampires, but you don't know everything. Some of us really do live in crypts and sleep in coffins. I think it's a trend or something. I live here. I have a very comfortable bed where I sleep. And I don't eat human blood."

"And where do I sleep while I stay here? Do you have a guest bedroom?"

Actually I did, but it wasn't such a room a vampire could spend the day in. Huge windows, no lock on the door. I shook my head. "You can sleep in my room. It's the safest place here. No windows. You can take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor."

Xander looked shocked. "You don't have to do that. It's your bed, I can sleep on the floor."

This conversation was uncomfortably familiar. "Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Let's wash the dishes and then we can talk."

We washed the dishes and put them out to dry. It was strange to be doing something that domestic with someone else. We didn't talk, we just cleaned. More companionable silence, I guess. Xander usually chattered like a chipmunk, especially when he was nervous, but this silence wasn't forced or strained. We were simply both so lost in thoughts we didn't find it necessary to fill the silence with small talk.

I showed him the house after the kitchen was spotless. Yes, he'd been there before, but he hadn't seen everything, like the wash room. I tossed the bloody tablecloth into the sink to soak in cold water and told him dryly that it would be his job to wash it.

This time he did stick his tongue out at me.

Finally the only place left was the bedroom. I glanced at the clock while we stepped inside and then locked the door behind us. I do that every morning. This time I also hid the key. I'm a light sleeper, but I didn't want to take any chances. Like I said, I didn't want to wake up to find that Xander had accidentally --or worse, on purpose-- gotten a bit too much sun.

"It's about half an hour until sunrise. I think we should get to bed and continue this when we wake up."

That big talk could wait until dusk. I didn't think he could handle any more information that night.

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"Xander?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that all this happened so fast! Day before yesterday we weren't even talking to each other and now we're roommates. And I'm a vampire. How the hell did that happen?"

I wished I had an answer for him. "I don't know. I guess things just change."

"Right. But why now? Why me?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but these last few years have been hectic around here. You know, witches, werewolves, vampires and other creeps running on the streets. I think it has something to do with this place."

Xander looked at me like he thought I'd finally lost my mind and then began to laugh. "Yeah. Strange how I hadn't noticed that before. Thanks for pointing it out to me."

"You're welcome."

He shook his head, still chuckling, and then began to make himself a place to sleep. There was a blanket on an armchair, where I sometimes read during the day if I couldn't sleep, and a few extra pillows. He glanced at me, waiting for my nod of approval, and then laid them on the floor. I turned my back to him when he began to undress. I didn't want to make the situation any more awkward, and a raging hard on would have definitely shattered even the illusion of easy camaraderie.

I stripped, leaving only my boxers on, and then slipped between the sheets. Turning the light off, I lay down. There was no light in the room, but it wasn't completely dark for me. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't all that tired and knew that it would be a while until I could get some sleep.

So much had happened that night. Xander was right. I'd just barely started to get used to the idea that he didn't hate my guts and now... It was a miracle that he could feel anything besides hatred towards me. Towards anyone actually. I wasn't sure how that made me feel, though. As long as he'd been a mortal, he'd been a fantasy. Now he was like me and, in a way, the fantasy had become a need.

I'd been so lonely ever since the first time I got my soul back. Wallowing in remorse, eating Miss Rat's ancestors and feeling sorry for myself wasn't really all that good a basis for a serious relationship.

The loneliness hadn't disappeared until I met Whistler and then Buffy. In just a few years I'd made more real friends than I'd had in all the 200 odd years I'd already walked the earth.

But I still wanted something more. I wanted someone. And the one my stupid heart had picked was now lying a few feet away from my bed. I felt bad for Xander. In time he'd feel loneliness as crushing as my own. Friendship with mortals wouldn't last forever, and you couldn't really be friends with our kind.

Maybe we could find solace in each other. But in a way that would be even worse than loneliness. It would be too hard to live with him for centuries just as a friend, and becoming lovers just because we both knew that we didn't have anyone else to be with for the rest of our lives... No way! I'd rather run head first into a brick wall. A brick wall that had a huge cross painted on it.

I heard a rustling sound, like someone was trying to get into a more comfortable position. Turning my head to the side, I watched as Xander fidgeted on the very hard sleeping place he'd chosen for himself. That was really ridiculous. We were both grown vampires and this kind of bashfulness would only lead to him having a sore back.

I watched his tossing and turning for a while, smiling to myself when I heard him whisper a curse.

"Xander?"

"What?"

"Are you comfortable down there?" I couldn't keep the laughter out of my voice.

"I'm just fine."

I was quiet for a moment. "Xander?"

"What?" He sounded annoyed.

"Are you sure you don't need another blanket?"

"You little..." He muttered a few profanities and then ground out from between his teeth. "I'm fine!"

"No you're not. I've slept on a floor a few times in my life and it's awful. I was so stiff the next day I could hardly walk. And that's bad, considering that we heal a lot faster than mortals."

He grunted and turned his back on me.

"Do you fear me, Xander? Or do I disgust you somehow?" I hadn't planned on saying the second sentence. It just slipped out. I could have bitten my tongue off. I didn't want to sound like a whining idiot.

His voice was curious. "No. Why?"

"Come here, you fool. The bed is big enough for the both of us."

At first I was sure he wouldn't even consider my invitation. Then he sighed and got up from the floor. "Thanks, Angel." Grabbing his pillow and the blanket, he climbed in next to me.

We lay quietly, side by side. Not touching, but not really avoiding each other's touch. It was strange to share my bed with someone else. At least with another vampire.

"Angel? Are you awake?"

I had an urge to answer 'no', but it was really too old a joke to be even slightly amusing. "Yes, Xander."

"I've been wondering... Why are you doing all this?"

"I already told you."

He propped himself up on an elbow. "Actually you didn't. You said it was about friendship, but I doubt you would have done this to Willow or Buffy."

There was nothing I could say that wouldn't hurt him. "Just go to sleep. We'll talk about this in the evening."

"I need to know. I can't sleep with this bothering me."

"All right. I made you a vampire because you asked and I had no choice but to do as you wanted me to do."

"What?" He sounded incredulous. "You made me a vampire simply because I asked you to?"

"It's not that simple. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have refused. But tonight it was a choice between letting you die or doing what you asked. So I brought you into the darkness."

He was quiet for a moment. Then he asked quietly, "If I had lost my soul, would you have killed me?"

"It wouldn't have been you."

"Whatever. Would you have killed what was left of me?"

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now shut up and get some sleep."

He chuckled and then settled into a better position. "Good... day."

"Sweet dreams."

---

Now when I'm thinking about that first day of his vampiric existence, I just have to say that my self-restraint still amazes me. I'd wanted Xander for a long time and now he was lying right there next to me. In my bed. And what did I do?

Nothing.

When he was lying beside me, snoring in his sleep, I spent hours thinking about him and how special he was. The fact that he was still sane even though he knew what it meant to be a vampire. That he still had a soul, like I did. And, of course, what amazed me most was the sound that broke the silence in the dark bedroom. I'd never heard a vampire snore before. Grunts or growls, yes. A real snore, no.

The other thing that kept me awake was the fear of what would happen when I woke up.

About two minutes after he'd fallen asleep, Xander turned around and draped his body all over mine, like you sometimes hug your blanket when it's a really warm night. Or day, in my case. His body wasn't as warm as it had been when he was still alive, but it wasn't overly cold against my skin either. I enjoyed the feel of it very much. Too much actually. I was terrified of what would happen if he woke up, still in my arms, and realized that I was... interested in something other than sleeping.

Of course I couldn't stay awake the whole day. I fell into a slumber and didn't wake up until Xander's frantic screams brought me back to this world.

---

Good thing that I was used to waking up abruptly. Otherwise someone could have gotten hurt. I snapped out of sleep when I heard someone yelling in sheer panic. Jumping out of the bed, I ran to the door on which Xander was banging desperately, screeching that he had to get out of there.

I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen to me. Finally I had to pin him against the wall to stop him from hurting me with his flailing arms. It was good that I didn't keep anything sharp in my bedroom.

"Xander. Look at me. It's all right. Shh... Calm down."

He stopped shouting, but he was still shaking like a leaf.

"What is it?"

"Dark. Too dark."

I pulled him with me as I went to the light switch. When the little room was bathed in dim light, my friend seemed to calm down. I let go of him and then returned to sit on my bed.

Xander scratched his head and then began to pace. He looked like a caged panther. I didn't say anything but let him set his own pace for this confrontation. When I saw that he'd walk for some time, I lay down on the bed.

"You must think I'm a real sissy."

That jerked me up again.

I think he saw the shock in my face and explained. "Being afraid of the dark like some baby."

"Being a vampire doesn't mean that you can't be afraid. I know I am most of the time."

That made him stop pacing. "What?"

"Think about it. I spend most of my time fighting against all kinds of monsters. I've seen horrors beyond those conceived by the most twisted imagination. I've been one of those horrors. Now I have friends to worry about. Every time you and the others go against the darkness, I'm so scared I could puke. I don't want to lose any of you."

"Really?"

"Really." I was after all over two centuries old. I was old and --don't laugh-- wise enough to know that you don't lose anything by admitting that you're afraid. "I was scared shitless yesterday, when I thought you'd die."

He didn't say anything. He just looked down at his feet.

"Do you want to tell me what frightened you, or was it just this whole situation?"

Xander looked at me hesitantly and I patted the mattress next to me. He smiled a little and then climbed back into bed. This time I noticed that he deliberately left about two feet between us and then wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

"I had a nightmare. Funny, I never thought that vampires could have those."

I shivered. "We can." I wish we couldn't. I'd give anything if I could never again have a nightmare.

"I dreamt that I was one of those stereotypical vampires. That I hunted for people and then crawled into my coffin to sleep. I woke up thinking that I was in a coffin, and it was dark and I couldn't get the door open. I just freaked out."

"Sorry about the door. I always keep it locked." I didn't think it would be wise to tell him that I had expected something like this. "Are you all right now?"

"I guess so. What do we do now?"

I didn't think he wanted to hear what came to my mind first. I glanced at the clock and shrugged. "The sun hasn't set yet, so I think we'd better go back to sleep."

Xander grimaced. "Any other suggestions?"

"We could have..." Don't even think about saying that! "Our little talk now."

"Okay. Um... Is there a standard speech for new vampires or is this just like a conversation?"

I had to laugh a little. "No, there's no speech. Actually I have no idea what to tell you. You already know so much about vampires and it's all normal to me. Maybe you should ask me questions and I'll try to answer them."

"Cool." He thought for a moment, a cute little frown on his forehead. "Well, I guess I already know all about how to kill a vampire and how vampires eat and such. Or is there something you've kept a secret?"

"No. No secrets." Not about vampirism anyway.

"What was that I... ate last evening? You said it wasn't human blood."

I saw that he really wanted to know. If he could ask, he could handle the answer. "Cow. It was cow's blood. I also eat pig, sheep and even chicken."

"Rats?"

"No. Not anymore. I don't eat poodles either." I must say that the movie still makes me laugh. If being a vampire was really that melancholic, we'd all march into the sunlight in a row. "Basically you can eat anything that's once been alive. Anything that has blood, that is. It's just in another package. A cup of cow's blood isn't all that different from a hamburger."

His face fell. "So I can never again eat real stuff?"

"You can eat, but it'll make a mess. You can't digest normal food anymore." I didn't elaborate. I guess he understood anyway. "Anything else?"

"What about feelings? I don't know, like, let's say for example… It's a feeling like any other… Not like I've really thought about this or anything, but… Can I still, um, love?" The last bit was just a breathless gasp. No wonder after all that preamble.

I hadn't expected that. But maybe I should have. "I know I can. And I've heard others use the word. Spike and Dru for instance. But I don't know if they can really love someone. Not the way people think about love."

"So is that yes or no?" Xander looked uncomfortable. "I mean since I still have my soul and all."

"I don't know. Did you love someone yesterday, before you became a vampire?"

He looked away from me and whispered, "Yes."

Ouch. I didn't really need to hear that. "Do you still love her?"

"I still love... Yes." A smile lit up his face. "That's great!"

"No it's not." I spoke before I could think. "Sometimes it's a curse rather than a blessing. Especially when you love someone who doesn't love you. If you can still love, you can still feel pain too."

Xander looked shocked. Then he hesitantly reached out with his hand and touched my arm. His touch was light, but even a thousand soft words wouldn't have touched me more deeply. "Sorry. I didn't want to open any old wounds."

"It's okay. Was there anything else you wanted to know?" I really didn't want to continue talking about this.

He thought for a moment. "Can I still help Buffy and the others?"

"Of course."

"But how can I live here now that I can't go out during the day? Buffy was right, people will talk if they only see me at night. And I haven't even finished High School yet. Am I gonna stay stupid for the rest of my life?"

"Uneducated."

"Huh?"

"You're not stupid. The word you're looking for is uneducated. We have to talk to Giles, but I'm sure we can work it out. What about your parents?"

Xander removed his hand from my arm. "I don't want to talk about them."

"You don't have to talk about them. Just think about it. It's best to be prepared for every possibility."

"Whatever. Change the subject."

"How long can you stay here with me?" Once again something I hadn't planned on saying, yet there it was, hanging between us like a specter.

"At least for two weeks. If that's okay, I mean."

"You can stay as long as you want." Oh, please god, tell me my voice wasn't really that husky. "You still have much to learn. Practical things, like where to get your meal. Or new clothes."

"What's wrong with the ones I have?"

"I suppose they're all right for a normal teenager, but no self respecting vampire would ever wear something like that." I gestured towards the hideous yellow bloodstained shirt he'd left on the chair before taking a shower the previous morning.

Xander began to laugh. "I can't believe we're having this conversation! My whole life has just changed and you're giving me fashion tips!"

"One has to concentrate on what's important!" I grinned and then got up. "Let's go. I think it's time to get moving."

The sun hadn't set yet, but the route from my bedroom to the kitchen was safe. This time Xander didn't even grimace when I put the cup in front of him and we ate in silence. We hadn't bothered to dress yet, mostly because I didn't want any more bloodstained clothing if he panicked again. It was a bit surreal to sit in my kitchen, wearing just boxers and a T-shirt, sipping warm blood with Xander. Surreal, but nice. I could get used to it.

After eating, we went back to the bedroom and I selected us something to wear. Xander quirked up an eyebrow when I handed him black jeans and a silk shirt, similar to what I grabbed for myself, but he didn't object. He did mutter something about vampires and their strange fashion sense, though.

I didn't care. As long as I could see his gorgeous body in those sensuous clothes, I could handle all the sarcastic remarks he'd make. Of course, I'd rather see him without any clothes at all. Well, this was the second-best option.

Sometimes I'm so cheesy I even nauseate myself.

The last rays of the setting sun made the horizon blood red, and a few minutes later it was completely dark. We strolled towards the school. A few blocks before we reached our destination, I heard someone yell my friend's name.

"Xander! Oh, Xander, I'm so sorry!"

We turned to see who the apologizer was and a second later one of Cordelia's old friends flung herself at Xander. She was sniffing delicately, so that her eyeliner didn't make a mess, but it sounded like she was genuinely upset about something.

"I just heard today. Poor, dear Xander. Why didn't you ever tell us about it?"

Xander looked at me over her shoulder. I shrugged. I had no idea of what she was talking about.

He patted her back. "It's all right, Ophelia. Calm down."

"You're so brave! Just to think that you can never walk in the sun! You must feel horrible!" The girl gushed and held Xander tighter. "And all of this happening so fast. I'm so sorry!"

Oh shit! How did she know about it? She wasn't the kind of a person who could be trusted with this information. I was ready to explode, but then I realized that if she knew that he was now a vampire, she wouldn't be hugging him. "It's all right."

She let go of Xander and glared at me, measuring me with her gaze. "It's easy for you to say that. You don't have the syndrome." Then she turned her eyes back to my friend.

"The syndrome?"

"The one that prevents you from going out during the day. I heard Mr. Giles talking about it with Principal Snyder. It's so nice that Mr. Giles volunteered to be your personal tutor so you still can graduate."

I must say, that Watcher is a genius! That was a perfect way to handle the situation. One less thing to worry about. I put a melancholic expression on my face. "It was a shock to us all, but Xander has taken it well."

The young man rolled his eyes upwards and then sighed. "Right."

"It's good to see you're okay." Ophelia patted his shoulder and then squealed with delight. "A silk shirt! You're learning. Are you coming to Bronze tonight?"

"Nah. I need to study."

She looked at him blankly and then began to giggle. "That's a good one. See you later." Then she waved at me and walked away.

I have no idea how Xander could ever have dated someone who called that airhead 'friend'. Sure, Cordelia and her friends all had nice bodies, but the package wasn't everything. So, I'm being totally unfair here. There was nothing wrong with Cordelia. I was just jealous as hell.

Xander watched the girl walk over to a bunch of other young women and then turned to me. "We really have to do something nice for Giles. He's a lifesaver."

"He sure is. Now let's go. They're probably waiting for us."

Giles looked up from a book he was reading and smiled as we stepped inside the library. "Good evening. We've been waiting for you."

I looked around and frowned when I didn't see the girls. Since it was the night before the full moon, I hadn't expected Oz, but the girls should have been there by then. The only heartbeat I could hear was the Watcher's. I hoped Willow and Buffy hadn't gone to find Thorwald on their own. "Where are the others?"

"Oh, they're here. They had to... go to the... um..." He gestured towards the door.

Xander grinned. "You can say the word, Giles. Restroom."

"Yes. That's right." The Brit adjusted his glasses and tried to hide his blushing. "I've thought of our problem here and made a plan so you can still study and live a normal life. Well, almost normal anyway."

"Yeah, I already heard about it. We ran into Ophy on our way here. I don't know how we could ever manage without you. Nice thinking, G-man."

"Don't call me that." It was obvious that the Watcher was flattered, even though he tried to look annoyed.

Buffy and Willow came in a few minutes later and then began to tell us all that they'd found out about Scandinavian mythology. It was great that we had to concentrate on something else besides our private lives.

It seemed that there were different opinions on how to interpret various songs, myths and prophesies, but we could at least get an idea of what was really going on. The old tales told that Odin, the greatest of the gods, cried one single tear when he sacrificed his eye to gain all the wisdom in the world. And that the tear froze and caught inside itself a reflection of that wisdom. It became one of the most powerful objects in the world. Something that could be used to heal or destroy. Apparently all depended on who held it.

At that point the legends got a bit strange. A demon was mentioned. It had bent the powers of the Tear to serve the darkness and the crystal got tarnished. It couldn't be used to do good anymore.

The cup was also a mystery. It seemed that it disappeared from the temple of Odin during some little war and it was thought that a skald -- a poet or a minstrel-- had stolen it. Legend had it that it was buried with the last descendant of that skald. No one knew where his grave was. It could be anywhere in the world.

But here in Sunnydale? How many coincidences could there be?

As if that wasn't enough, Willow told us that she had no idea what the 'power of Freya' meant.

Great. Now we had to prevent Thorwald from seizing the power over all demons and their like by finding a cup that could be anywhere and then destroying the Tear, but we had no idea how to do that. Could this thing possibly get any stranger?

Of course it could.

Buffy stretched her legs and leaned back on the chair. "I heard in school today that the Brody Music Shop was robbed last night. I wouldn't mention it here normally, but I have this nagging feeling that it has something to do with Thorwald. The robbers didn't take any money. They just trashed the place and stole two harps."

Harps? Why on earth would someone steal harps? Ah, of course. "I think I know the answer to that. You said that the cup is buried with the descendant of a skald. What if Thorwald believes that he can raise the dead guy by playing a harp in the cemetery? So he doesn't have to dig."

The others looked at me like I'd eaten too many sick rats.

"I guess he could be right." Giles browsed through his book. "This Thorwald sounds like he could even believe in such nonsense."

"So what do we do? Guard the graveyard and drive a stake through everyone who carries a harp?"

I glared at Xander. It was almost like the not-so good old days. "Do you have a better idea?"

"Not really."

"Then shut up."

"Yes, master." He grinned.

Willow raised her hand. "Excuse me, but do you really think it's a good idea to go to a cemetery tomorrow? Full moon and vampires. That's not a good combination."

"We have no choice. We can spoil Thorwald's plans if we get the cup."

"Buffy, I think Willow has a point. It could be too dangerous. You're not well enough to..."

"I can't just let them get the cup! I'm the Slayer here, remember? I have to do something!" She banged the table with her fist and then groaned with pain.

Giles shook his head. "You can't slay anyone with that hand of yours."

"Do you know how many followers Thorwald has?"

They all turned to look at me again. I didn't mind them staring, but this was really ridiculous. I repeated it slowly. "How. Many. Vampires. Are. There. Question mark."

Giles searched through his papers. "I'm not certain, of course, but Thorwald has usually about two dozen companions with him. At least. Most of them are his... childer."

"Vampires he's made. That's good. It means that they're not all that dangerous. It's not like Thorwald would let them think for themselves even if they could. I think it would be best if I went to the cemetery alone. The other vampires can't hear me and I'm fairly safe." I couldn't believe I'd actually said that. But I knew it was the only way. My living, breathing friends would be in too much danger if they came with me.

"I'm coming with you."

I looked at Xander and shook my head. "Absolutely not!"

"It's always best to have someone cover your back. Even though I'm not all that dangerous, I can still help. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I can think for myself, in case you haven't noticed."

Apparently my remark about Thorwald's childer had rubbed a sore spot. This wasn't the time or the place for this. "Fine, whatever you want."

The others looked anywhere but at us.

Then Giles cleared his throat. "So that's decided. You two try to prevent Thorwald from getting the cup. The rest of us will think of a plan to prevent the rest of it if you fail tomorrow."

We spent about half an hour polishing our plan for the next evening and then Buffy and Willow went home. I followed them to make sure that they got there safely while Xander talked with Giles about their new arrangement. The Brit was really helping with his clever 'diagnosis'.

I wouldn't ask, but I had the impression that Xander's parents weren't actually all that interested in their son and wouldn't mess with our little scheme. It was amazing how all the people at school had embraced the idea of Xander's syndrome, but it didn't actually surprise me. After living in Sunnydale for some time, people usually accepted any plausible explanation as long as they didn't have to deal with the truth.

When I returned to Sunnydale High, Xander was waiting for me in front of the doors. He was sitting on the steps, staring at his feet.

I sat next to him. "Did you and Giles talk things through?"

"Yeah." His voice was strained

"Are you all right?" It seemed like I was asking that every two hours. I couldn't help it. Worrying about him was somehow natural for me.

"No. I'm mad."

"At me?"

He looked up at me. I could see the confusion in his eyes. "I don't know. At myself maybe. At the world."

"You really didn't like our earlier conversation?"

"No." Xander grimaced. "I can handle the fact that we've been enemies and that we're now friends. Or at least we're not enemies anymore. But I can't handle the idea of being your..."

I shuddered. Friend, yes. Lover? In my dreams. Maybe even a partner. But childe? No way! "Me neither. And in a way you're not."

"How come?"

"You're not fawning over me. We don't have any kind of a deal. I can't order you to do anything. Those are three things that usually exist between a sire and a childe. I just happened to bring you to the other side. That's all."

He smiled a little. "So I don't have to call you daddy?"

"Only if you want me to strangle you. Or maybe spank you."

We looked at each other and then began to laugh. The idea of taking him across my knees and spanking him was hilarious. Then I thought about what it would look like and sobered up. I really had to get my mind out of the gutter.

I got up and held out my hand. "Let's go home." He let me pull him to his feet and then we walked to my house.

We sat in the study for most of the night. I read a book and Xander did his homework. Apparently Giles had been serious about tutoring him. I was glad. Maybe the Brit could get Xander more interested in studying. The young man was very intelligent, but from what I'd heard, his teachers hadn't inspired him very well in the past.

I read about half the book, a fact that really surprised me, since I spent almost half the time ogling Xander. He looked so damn cute when he was concentrating on his papers.

After he'd finished with his studying, Xander got up and paced for a moment. When I realized that he was bored rather than nervous, I suggested that we do something together.

Not that though.

Going out would have been tempting fate, so we had to think of something to do inside the house. We watched the late night news on TV. Neither of us was really all that interested in staring at some old sitcom that came on after the news, so we spent the rest of the night playing cards and talking about nothing important.

It was a magical night. It had been ages since I'd just sat down and enjoyed someone's company. Like I'd always thought, Xander's dry sarcasm and exuberance hid an intelligent mind and I loved talking with him. We didn't talk about our situation with Thorwald, or vampires in general. We just talked about normal, ordinary things. Movies, books, the things he was interested in.

I didn't want the night to end.

But of course it had to. About half an hour before the dawn, Xander suggested a late night snack and I reluctantly put the cards away, while he went to gather all his books and notes.

I scratched my head. "I think I need to grab a shower before we go to bed."

"Damn!" Xander dropped the papers and then knelt to pick them up.

When I went to help him, he waved his hand is dismissal. "Go ahead and wash up. I'll see you in the kitchen."

"If you're sure you're okay with this..."

"Of course. Go." He sounded a bit choked, but I thought it was only normal since he was crawling on a hard wooden floor.

I left Xander in the study and headed to the bathroom. Vampires don't sweat, but I felt like I needed a hot shower. And of course my hair needed a good treatment with shampoo and conditioner.

Please, no hair jokes. Keeping our hair immaculate is a matter of honor. Doing that without the aid of a mirror is a huge challenge. You'll never understand it, though. It's a vampire thing.

After toweling myself dry, I dressed in a clean T-shirt and sweatpants. I felt really refreshed and whistled while brushing my hair.

When I got to the kitchen, there were two cups of blood waiting and Xander was looking at me expectantly.

"I hope you don't mind that I made us something to eat?"

"Not at all. Actually I could get used to this. Thanks, Xander."

He smiled a little and raised the cup to his mouth. He took a sip and then frowned. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

"Why do we have to heat this stuff?"

I laughed so hard I had to put my cup down. Waving my hand at him, I tried to let him know that I wasn't laughing at him. "Sorry. It's just that I take some things for granted. To answer your question, I heat it because I like to eat it warm. That's all. It's actually just as good cold."

"Oh. That's a disappointment. I thought there was some deep dark secret behind it."

"Would it help if I told you that heating blood in the microwave is a centuries old sacred tradition?"

He grinned. "I get your point."

We finished our meal. I washed the dishes while Xander took a shower. It had to be out of habit, he really didn't need one. Or maybe he just didn't like doing the dishes.

He was sitting in my favorite chair when I got to the bedroom. He was wearing my robe and he looked a little lost. "I'm sorry, but I didn't have anything else to wear. I have to get some of my own clothes tomorrow. Could we drop by my house after we come back from the cemetery?"

I nodded. "Sure. If you need anything now, feel free to take it." I gestured towards the closet.

Xander looked at me with a strange look on his face and then blinked. "Thanks. If you really don't mind, I could use a pair of... pants."

"Take anything you need."

You know what he took? Yes, a pair of silk boxers. That's the only kind of underwear I use nowadays. So now I had to sleep next to him, all too aware of what he was wearing. Oh god! I'm a vampire, not a corpse. I wasn't sure if I could handle another night like that.

He climbed onto the bed and stretched like a huge cat. "Are you sure you don't mind me sleeping here? I could..."

"We've been through this before. I'll sleep better if I know that you're safe."

"It's strange to hear you say things like that." Xander pulled a blanket up to his chest and seemed to be very interested in the patterns on the sheet. "I mean that we've never been exactly bosom buddies. Why are you being so nice to me?"

I had no idea what to say. His question hadn't been an accusation, it was a honest, all cards on the table question. And I had to lie to him. "I consider you a friend. That's all. I still don't have any kind of secret agenda." No, I was just madly in love with him. That was something he couldn't handle. Not now, maybe not ever.

"So I'm not disturbing your life in any way?"

I don't know what got in to me. It was probably an idiotic attempt to lighten the mood. I looked at him and grinned. "Well, I usually sleep naked. Now I can't really do that. But that's about all I've had to change now that you're staying here."

He stared at me and blushed. "Oh."

"Relax. I was just kidding. Sorry, I guess it wasn't all that funny after all." Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

I probably just imagined the disappointed look. He punched the pillow a few times and then lay down. I turned the light out and climbed in next to him.

We lay there in silence. I could sense that he was troubled about something, but I had no idea how to ask him about it.

"Angel?"

Thank god he wasn't as afraid of talking as I was. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you something private? I mean, it's not exactly personal or anything, but it is sort of embarrassing. Or maybe it's not. It depends on how you feel about those things. And maybe I'm way out of line here, but I really need to know about this, even though..."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"Just ask. It can't be that bad." Even though I was rather worried. He hadn't sounded that nervous even when he had asked about love. What could be worse than that?

I heard him take a deep breath and then he blurted it out. "Canwehavesex?"

I was dumbfounded. "What?" Had I heard right? He asked if we could have sex?

Xander turned to his side and propped himself up on an elbow. "Can we have sex?"

"Clarify the question, please." I sounded like Giles. It was a miracle that my voice was so calm and even, though. I wanted to close the distance between us and answer him without words, but it was possible, probable even, that he hadn't meant it like that. "We as in the two of us or we as vampires?"

He was quiet for a moment and then whispered, "Vampires. Can vampires have sex?"

"Yes. Just like everyone else. But we can't get STDs and we don't get pregnant. Not that we'd get pregnant even if we were… I mean, you can't get a woman pregnant. Vampires can have sex with mortals and each other. No limitations." So it wasn't possible for a vampire to die of embarrassment. I seriously considered running out to meet the sun.

"Really?"

"Really. The only thing you have to remember is your face. It will change when you lose control."

Xander shuddered. "And I'll get all vampiric?"

"Yes. Was that all you wanted to know?"

"I guess so."

Good. This was definitely not the subject I wanted to talk about now. Or think about. "You'd better get some sleep."

He lay back down and closed his eyes.

I hugged my pillow, wanting to fall asleep as soon as possible. Of course it didn't work that way. The more I tried to doze off, the more awake I felt. Damn. It was possibly one of the worst mornings of my existence. Usually when I had made a fool out of myself like this, I ran away and tried to keep my distance from the person or matter. That wouldn't work now. As soon as we woke up next evening we'd grab a quick snack and then we'd have to head to the cemetery. And we'd spend the whole night together. It could get a little awkward.

I tried to find a better position and sighed. It would once again be a long day.

---

I'd thought a few times that I could really get used to Xander's presence, but I had no idea how true that was until he wasn't there anymore. No, he didn't actually go anywhere, but the next evening he was quiet and withdrawn. It was almost like being alone, even though he sat right across the table.

The previous evening we'd decided that Buffy and Willow would go to the cemetery during the day, while we were having our beauty sleep, and try to look for the place the cup might be buried. They'd promised to leave a note for us in my mailbox before going home. So we might have an advantage over Thorwald.

After we finished our meal, I went to check the mail. Xander disappeared somewhere in the house.

Walking back inside, I wondered what had gone wrong. Xander couldn't be all that moody just because I screwed up our little talk that morning.

I sat on the living room couch and browsed through my mail. Ignoring all the other envelopes, I tore open the one that had Buffy's handwriting on it and read the note. Then I yelled, "Xander? Buffy wrote that she and Willow spent over two hours going through the cemetery, and found nothing that could help us."

The house was quiet for a moment and then my friend's voice came from the direction of the bedroom. "So what do we do now? Do we just go to the graveyard and wait for Thorwald?"

"Yes. Just the way we decided last night."

"I'll be ready in a second."

I waited for him to finish whatever he was doing. When he finally came down to the living room I nodded at him and then we left the house without a word.

When we reached the cemetery, I looked around to find a good place to hide. There were many big headstones we could use as cover, but since we had no idea which direction Thorwald's gang would be coming from, it would have been too risky to just crouch behind one of them and hope that we were safe. The mausoleum was of course a good place to hide, but I really didn't want to go in there. Too many painful memories.

In the end, it was Xander who pointed out that the perfect place to see what was going on was not inside the mausoleum, but on top of it. I agreed and we climbed to the flat roof. We sat down, both of us staring in the opposite direction. If I had thought only about the results, I would have said that Xander's presence was a good thing. This way we could watch each other's back. But on the personal level I wasn't sure that it was a good idea to have him with me.

There was no trace of the companionable silence. It was almost like we were still enemies, him just barely tolerating me and me wondering what the hell was going on.

It was distracting. After we'd been on the roof for about half an hour, I decided it was time to do something about it. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong.

"Xander..."

"Angel..."

I blinked a few times and then smiled. "I think we need to do something about our communication. I hate it when I try to say something after sulking and then someone interrupts me."

"Me too. Sorry." Xander seemed to relax a little. "I've just been thinking about this whole mess and I guess I haven't been very good company this evening."

"Yeah, I've been the same. Let's just forget about it and go on with this thing."

He looked relieved. Obviously he was just as reluctant as I was to look at this thing any deeper.

The silence was less strained and we sat there for a long time, waiting for Thorwald to appear. A few hours later I was beginning to get worried. If the Scandinavian was going to get the cup, he'd have to show up soon. The full moon was shining above us, a reminder of the fact that it was either tonight, or Thorwald would have to wait another year to be ready to use the Tear on the Spring Equinox. The next evening the moon would be waning and the cup wouldn't be found.

I stood up. "This is ridiculous. He should be here by now."

"Maybe he got caught in traffic or something. Or maybe he ran into some werewolves. Oz isn't the only one howling at the moon, you know." Xander rubbed his eyes, looking a bit worried. "We should've warned some of the people who go out at night. Like the neo-pagans who have their full moon rituals in the field near the Viking's Rest. What if Thorwald decides that he needs a little snack before coming here and attacks a group of defenseless women who..."

I squatted down right in front of him, my face barely inches away from his. "What did you say?"

"I thought you knew that there are pagans around here."

"Not that! What was that place?"

Xander shrugged. "Viking's Rest? I guess you could call it a lake, but it's actually more like a small pond. It's a couple of miles west of here. The legend says that a long time ago someone was buried there the same way the old Vikings usually were. And... Oh, shit! You don't think that..."

"Yeah. Let's go."

We scrambled off the mausoleum's roof. We needed to get to the lake as soon as possible and even though Xander objected loudly, I smashed the window of the nearest car, opened the door and then pushed my friend in. It wasn't the first time in my life that I'd stolen a car, and in a few minutes we were driving through the dark night.

"Angel! You can't just steal a car like that! It's not right! Oh, left here. Do you have any idea how the person who owns the car will feel in the morning? No, go straight on."

Xander's objections were rather ridiculous, considering the fact that he was giving me directions to the lake while berating me. "I'll return the car when we come back and leave some money in the glove compartment for the window. Now stop whining! Left or right?"

"Right." The young man sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't think about Viking's Rest sooner."

"Better late than never. I find it strange that Giles overlooked it. He's usually so meticulous about his research. How could he have missed that on the map?"

"It's officially called 'Duck Pond'. It was renamed about ten, fifteen years ago. I've just always liked the old name better."

Oh. That explained it. I squeezed the steering wheel. "How long until we get there?"

"It's right behind that little grove."

I hit the breaks and parked the car a few yards from the road. "Let's go."

We sneaked through the bushes. Xander cursed quietly and muttered something about vampires and how crappy it was that the legends about flying were false. He'd definitely seen too many bad horror movies.

It was easy to locate Thorwald and his gang. I've always loved harp music, but the horrible noise that I heard didn't resemble music. The old saying about tortured cats came to mind.

"It's quite possible that the dead guy with the cup will just jump out of the lake and give Thorwald whatever he wants just to make that damn noise end." Xander grimaced as the sound of the harps grew louder.

I could see something moving straight ahead and motioned my friend to be quiet. We crept forward to see what was going on.

At first I saw only young vampires who were all staring at the lake. Two women were playing the harps, but otherwise no one made a sound. I craned my neck a little and then spotted the familiar blond man standing on the shore. He brushed his hair back with his hand, trying to look regal. Emphasis on the word, trying. His followers gasped.

My timing needed definite improving. First I was too late to save Xander's life and now I found the place where the skald's descendant had been buried just in time to see a pale ghost hand a big bowl to Thorwald. The Scandinavian hadn't changed a bit since I'd last seen him almost 150 years ago. He was dressed in dark velvet and he was posturing in front of his followers. He held out his hand, his eyes gleaming as he stared at the cup.

It was quiet now and I could clearly hear the ghost muttering something to himself. Then he raised his voice. "Tonight I've been summoned here to give up the great burden I've been carrying for centuries. It is now your duty to guard the cup against those who might use it to rule the darkness."

Thorwald nodded and grabbed the cup. "Thanks."

Not a very poetic answer.

The ghost's expression was a bit confused. He was about to say something, but then obviously changed his mind as Thorwald raised the cup and yelled, "I've got the power!"

I heard Xander snicker, and even though our enemy getting the cup wasn't exactly a laughing matter, I had to chuckle too. The ghost looked a little sick.

Thorwald's followers were dancing and screeching. They followed their leader when the Scandinavian began to walk away from the lake and soon the noisy crowd disappeared into the darkness. As soon as I couldn't see them anymore, I scrambled out from the bushes, stomping my feet on the ground and cursing. I couldn't believe what had happened.

Xander walked over next to me and watched me rant. Then he walked over to the shore to stare at the lake. When I calmed down, I joined him.

"What do we do now?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Me neither. I wish we knew where the final ritual will be held. That way we could at least make some kind of a plan for how to get the Tear."

Someone cleared his throat behind us. I swirled around to see the ghost standing there, looking apologetic. "Excuse me, but could you please tell me what's going on here?"

"You just gave the cup to a maniac who wants to rule the world." I wasn't in the mood to soften the blow.

The ghost bowed his head and sighed. "I was afraid of that. Alas, I had to give the cup to the first person who asked for it."

"Don't worry. It wasn't your fault, man. We'll stop Thorwald."

I glared at Xander. He glared straight back.

"Thank you, young man. Your kind words will help me to rest." The ghost gave us a ghostly smile and then stepped into the lake. Faint tendrils of mist began to swirl around him. He walked a few steps away from us and then turned back. "Oh, and in case you were wondering, the ritual can be held only in the temple of wisdom. The place where the knowledge is passed forward to the new generation."

We watched him disappear into the mist.

Xander shivered. "That's not something you see every day."

"No, it's not."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I recognized my tone as the most childish a two centuries old vampire could use and took a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm just sick of all this. Do you have any idea what will happen when Thorwald and his idiots march into the school next Saturday?"

He blinked a few times. "You mean that the ritual is held at Sunnydale High? That's the 'temple of wisdom'?" He began to laugh. "I'd call it the 'temple of boredom' or something."

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."

"Oh, I am." Xander snorted. "It's better to laugh than cry anyway. We really screwed this up."

I shook my head. "No, we didn't. At least we know now where to go on the Spring Equinox. We didn't get the cup, but it was a long shot anyway."

"Yeah, but..."

"No buts. Let's get back to the car. We still have a lot to do before we can go home."

Xander nodded.

We left the car where we'd found it. I left a few bills in the glove compartment and gained another approving nod from Xander. Then we headed towards the school.

There was no one inside the big building. We walked to the library and left a detailed message for Giles. I wrote a few sentences to Buffy, suggesting that we all met the next evening. We had to prepare ourselves for whatever happened next. I was pretty sure that Thorwald wouldn't start terrorizing Sunnydale before the Equinox, but it was still just a guess. Things could get really ugly.

I had a strange feeling when we left the school. It was almost like déjà vu. There we were again, walking side by side towards Xander's house. It was like nothing had happened, that he was still the cute mortal boy and I was the mysterious vampire. I watched my young friend from the corner of my eye, wondering if he was thinking about it too.

Did he regret everything that had happened since the last time we walked this short way to his house? I didn't think I should ask.

We reached our destination and Xander fished his key out of his pocket. He opened the door and walked inside the house.

I stood on the porch.

Xander looked at me and then grimaced. "Sorry. Please come in."

"Thank you." I stepped in and looked around. The place was beautifully decorated, but even though all the colors were warm, the interior of the house oozed coldness. It was a strange and definitely unpleasant feeling.

Xander had said that his parents were out of town, but as soon as I entered the living room, I heard two heartbeats drumming in the house. Someone was upstairs, and since everything was quiet, I thought it couldn't be burglars. Xander froze when he heard the heartbeats.

Unfortunately it was too late to get out undetected. He sighed resignedly as a light went on and then two pairs of footsteps echoed through the house.

Mrs. Harris frowned when he saw us standing in the middle of the living room. "Alexander? Where have you been?"

"And who's your friend?" Mr. Harris fingered the belt of his robe and glared at me.

"I... This is Angel. He's a friend of mine, and I've been at his place for the last two days. What are you doing home? I thought you were still on the coast." The boy sounded subdued. I'd never heard that tone coming from him.

Xander's mother shook her head. "We came home as soon as Principal Snyder called us about your condition. Do you have any idea what a shock it's been? We went to see a doctor who explained to us all about that syndrome and we've been devastated ever since."

I was surprised by the amount of emotion in her voice. She really sounded like the news of her son's 'condition' had hit her pretty hard. By the way Xander had acted, I'd thought that his parents were either child-beaters or they completely ignored their son. I was glad I'd been wrong.

"Mom..."

"Do you have any idea how expensive it will be to redecorate this house? We have to get special blinders to block ultra-violet radiation on every window!" Mrs. Harris sniffed. "And Dr Barrett said that we can't have many visitors because we have to be extra careful, so you won't get any sun. What'll the neighbors say..."

Mr. Harris embraced his sobbing wife and glared at Xander. "Now look what you've done. Your poor mother hasn't been able to sleep for two days, she's been too worried about all this. Can't you ever do anything right? Why do you always have to be so difficult?"

I saw Xander flinch and had to turn my back on his parents when I felt the familiar twitch on my face. Killing the foolish mortals wasn't an option, however appealing it sounded, and I had to calm down enough to get my own visage back if I wanted to help my friend. But it wasn't easy. My fangs itched when I thought about people who blamed their children for being bad when they were just ill.

"I'm sorry," Xander whispered. I wasn't sure he said it to his parents or me, but the sound of his voice tore my heart anyway. It was a miracle that he was sane after living for almost eighteen years with these people.

"You should be." His father's voice turned from icy to soft as he turned his attention back to his wife. "Calm down, dear. Maybe it's enough if we get the special blinders for his room. He doesn't really have to move around the house during the day."

Mrs. Harris blew her nose. "But if he stays up all night, I won't be able to sleep. This is a nightmare!"

"I'm sure Alexander can stay outside during the night."

A scent of blood floated towards me and I turned around to see Xander biting his lip. He looked like a lost little child. The fact that he was able to control his face must have been the result of being berated for all his life. He was probably used to it. It was a chilling thought, but it helped me to clear my mind.

The mortals didn't matter. That moment didn't matter and neither did the past. The things that did matter were Xander and the future. I walked closer to him and patted his shoulder. "It'll be all right."

"How can it be all right?" His voice was so soft that only I could hear the words. "I'll be locked in my room during the days and forced to run around in the streets during the nights. I might as well buy a coffin."

"Don't! I won't let that happen." It was quite obvious that Xander couldn't stay with his parents. The idea of him staying with these disgusting people for a minute longer than was necessary made me nauseous. I wanted to get him back home --to my house-- as soon as possible.

Xander looked at me, his eyes gleaming. "Even you can't change everything."

At least I could try. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Harris, but I think I can help you with your... problem." It was hard to squeeze that last word out of my throat.

Xander's parents turned to stare at me. His mother sniffed again. "How can anyone help us?" She wailed and buried her face in her husband's shoulder.

"I happen to suffer from the same syndrome as your son. My house is already safe for anyone who can't stand the sunlight and I thought that maybe your son could stay with me."

"Really?" Mrs. Harris looked up from the terrycloth robe. "You could take Alexander to live with you? That's wonderful!"

Xander's father wasn't as impressed. "How much do you want?"

"What?"

"Dad..."

"Be quiet, Alexander! I asked you, how much do you want? Surely you're not offering him a place to stay for free. How much will it cost to have Alexander stay with you?"

Excuse me? He was talking about money in a situation like this? I glanced at Xander, who was trying to blend into the garish flower- wallpaper, and shrugged. "I don't want anything. If Xander needs a place to stay, he can stay with me for as long as he wants to."

Xander looked at me and tried to smile. "Sounds good to me."

"That's perfect!" Mrs. Harris exclaimed. "He can go back there tonight and we can continue our vacation. And now that we don't have to worry about him, we could even spend a few extra weeks at the Marshalls'. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Sounds lovely, dear."

I couldn't believe my ears. I'd been ready to tell more lies about myself, or at least show them where I lived, and they were talking about leaving town?

Mr. Harris glanced at me again, his face a bit softer now that he knew that I didn't want any money. "I'm sure Alexander will behave himself while he's staying with you. Won't you, Alexander?"

Finally I understood why Xander hated his name. I wondered if he'd ever heard it connected to any soft words, or the sentence, 'I love you'.

"Yes, sir." My friend looked at me with a sad look in his eyes. "Angel? Could you help me pack?"

"Of course. We should do it right away, so your parents can go back to sleep." I nodded at Xander and then followed him upstairs. His parents stayed downstairs, making plans for their vacation.

Xander grabbed a bag and began to shove into it his clothes and personal stuff. I helped him by folding his clothes, not saying anything, and then carried the bag downstairs. I noticed that his parents had already gone back to bed. At least Xander didn't have to take any more shit from them.

I waited downstairs for a while, but when he remained in his room, I climbed the stairs quietly and then stood at Xander's door, watching him sitting on his bed, holding another bag on his lap. "Xander? Is there anything else you want to take with you?"

"No. There's nothing for me here anymore."

The choked words were too much. I walked over to him and sat beside him. "You do know that I meant what I said earlier, don't you? You have a home with me for as long as you want it."

He didn't say anything.

"What do you want to do now?"

Xander took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "Let's get out of here."

When we reached my house, we threw his bags into the bedroom and then marched to the kitchen.

Xander didn't even bother to warm his meal. He just sat down and stared at his cup. "After this thing with Thorwald is over, I have to find a place to stay. It's clear that going back to my parents isn't an option anymore."

"You don't like it in here?" The unwavering tone of my voice was the result of decades of practice.

"It's not about liking this place. I'm sure you don't want me to stay here forever and…."

Oh, god! If I could, I would keep him with me for as long as I roamed the earth. "I meant what I said. You can stay as long as you like. If you need more privacy, we'll make some arrangements so you'll have a room of your own."

Xander looked at me with a strange look on his face. "You really mean it?"

"I mean it." I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "This is your home too, if you want it to be."

"If you put it that way, yeah. I do want to stay here."

My hand wanted to slide down from his shoulder, caress him, pull him into an embrace. But that would've probably driven him away, even if he thought that I was just holding him as a friend. I had to make a choice between having him with me as a friend and taking a chance. On losing him forever.

"Great. I've been thinking for a while now that this place is too big for just one person. It's nice to have a friend living here with me." I patted his shoulder and then went to the fridge.

After eating I told him to unpack and put his clothes into the closet. I emptied a few shelves and drawers for him and then changed the sheets while he went through his things.

I carried the used laundry to the hamper and then returned to the bedroom. I noticed that Xander was just standing in front of the closet with an amused expression on his face. When he saw me, he blushed.

"Want to share the joke with me?"

He blushed even more. "I don't think you'd see it as funny as I do. Um... Did you really mean that I can put my clothes into your closet?"

"Yes, but you can move to the guest room as soon as we make it suitable for a vampire."

Xander nodded. "Okay."

I sat on the bed and watched him fumble with his clothes. He looked reluctant to get any closer to me.

"Xander? Do you want me to sleep somewhere else today?"

He dropped his shirt on the floor. "Don't be stupid. This is your bedroom."

Oh, how I wanted to correct him that it was now our bedroom. "Yes it is. And you're welcome here for as long as you want. But if you don't want to..."

"I do. I really do want to stay here with you. I'm sorry for acting like a..."

"...human being? That's not forbidden, you know."

He picked up the shirt from the floor and folded it. It was a bit hard to hear his next words, since he mumbled them from the corner of his mouth. "Thanks, Angel. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd do just fine. Being a vampire isn't all that difficult." I deliberately misunderstood him. If he said something like that again, I'd probably either say something stupid or start to cry.

"I guess so. Still, it's good to have a friend."

I grunted. After undressing, I slipped between the fresh sheets and stretched. I watched Xander organize his things. When he was finished and began to undress, I closed my eyes and tried to think of something boring, disgusting or scary. Anything but the fact that he was getting out of his clothes a few feet away from me. I had no idea if he'd move in next to me or not, and I didn't want to say or do anything to make him nervous.

Soon the rustling sound of shedding clothes ended and I felt the mattress move.

"Good day, Angel."

"Sleep well."

We lay there in silence for a long time. I was exhausted, but something kept me awake. There was no sound in the little room, but I could feel something was wrong. Then I heard a faint sniff.

I didn't reveal in any way that I was still awake. If Xander had wanted me to console him, he wouldn't have turned his back on me and muffled his sobs into the pillow. So I pretended to be sleeping, even though the small noises he made tore my heart. When he finally stopped crying, he lay still for a moment and then shifted his position.

The soft touch of his hand almost made me jump out of my skin. I masked my shock by rolling onto my other side.

Xander took his hand away. He lay quietly for a few minutes and then the hand returned to my arm. This time I didn't move. I had no idea what he was doing, but I let him do whatever he wanted. He moved a bit closer to me and then slid his other hand around my waist. He snuggled a little closer and then just lay there, holding me in his arms.

I couldn't help it. Sighing, I nuzzled against his neck. He tensed for a moment, but when I didn't do anything else, he relaxed. Soon he was sound asleep.

I loved feeling his skin against mine, even though this was about friendship, not lust. He just needed to be close to someone. He didn't want me to help him with my words, but he needed to be held. And I was more than happy to oblige.

I knew how much one could yearn for a touch when feeling lonely or abandoned.

---

In retrospect I can see so clearly what went wrong. It wasn't lack of communication or lack of trust. It was the fact that we completely overlooked Thorwald's obsession with being prepared for everything. It was three more days until the Equinox, but now that he had the cup, he wanted to be sure that he'd have the innocent one, whose blood was used, as well. We'd thought that he'd been after the cup that night when the moon was full. And we'd been right.

But it wasn't the only thing he'd been after.

---

We slept late that evening. I think I stirred a little when the sun set, but then just burrowed against Xander. He was holding me in his arms and I was going to enjoy it for as long as I could.

He still was, when I really woke up. I had no idea how to act if he woke up when I tried to disentangle myself from him, so I just lay there, pretending to be asleep. The approach of a coward, actually.

When he didn't give any signs of waking up, I began to move a little, acting like I was sleeping restlessly. That worked. In a few seconds I heard an offended groan and then Xander rubbed his nose on my neck. I couldn't help tensing at the feeling and then opened my eyes.

Xander had a shocked look on his face as he realized that I was awake. He tugged his hand a little, trying to get away from me. I should have moved and released his arm from under my side, but I didn't. I didn't want to act like we'd done something wrong.

"Morning, Xander."

He relaxed a little. "It's actually evening."

"Whatever. How are you this evening?"

"Um... Weird. Do you know that you're lying on top of my arm?"

"I am?" Exaggerating a shocked look, I twisted my head so that I could see the limb in question. "Oh, yes I am."

A smile tugged up the corner of Xander's mouth. "Would you mind getting off my arm?"

I pretended to think about it and then raised myself. He pulled his hand away, and I lay back down. "It was good to sleep late."

"Yeah. Sorry about that..."

"It's okay, Xander. As long as you don't throw me off the bed, you can do pretty much what you want." I smiled at his stunned expression. "Actually, I liked the warmth."

He propped himself up on an elbow. "Um... Me too."

The look on the young man's face made something change. He was still a bit confused, and I thought I'd never seen him look so cute before. All the words I'd kept inside for so long were trying to claw their way up my throat. I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt for him, and then closed it again, when I heard something strange. A heartbeat. And then a few more.

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" He squinted his eyes and then sat up. "Someone's in the house."

We scrambled up and pulled some clothes on. I listened carefully, but when I didn't hear anything right behind the bedroom door, I yanked the door open and then sneaked down the hall. Xander followed right behind me. There was a strange, but familiar, scent in the house, and it didn't take me long to identify it. The smell of old, dusty books and wet tweed.

I turned to Xander. "It's Giles."

"And Willow. No one else uses that hair conditioner around here." He cocked his head. "Did you hear that?"

I did. It was Buffy. We abandoned the sneaking and walked to the living room.

They were all there, Buffy, Giles and Willow. It was obviously raining and they were all dripping wet. As soon as Buffy saw me, she sighed with relief.

"Thank god you're here."

Where else would we be right after the sunset? "What's going on?"

"Someone followed me home last evening and I saw someone skulking outside my house about four a.m. when I had to go to the bathroom. Thorwald knows where I live."

Giles nodded. "And when I left the library yesterday I ran into a vampire. Fortunately I had a bottle of holy water with me and I managed to kill her. We decided it would be best to come here and tell you about it."

I nodded. At least this time they had more sense than to act on their own and probably get themselves killed.

"We don't want to impose, but could we stay here for the next few days? Or the nights actually. We read your note and thought that if Thorwald has the cup now, he might want to get rid of me before the Equinox." Buffy removed her wet coat and I motioned for her to hang it on the coat rack that was in the outer hallway.

The others followed her example and then we returned to the living room. I thought I heard something strange, like the wail of a hurt animal and looked around. "Did you hear that? It's like someone's dog..." I saw Willow wince. Oh, of course. "Is Oz down in the basement?"

"Yes. Don't worry, he's secure. We brought all the necessary equipment with us."

It was fine by me. So, I was hosting a Watcher, a Slayer, a fellow vampire, a werewolf and his girlfriend. I chuckled and then gestured to my guests to sit down. Xander remained standing by the window, but the others sat on the couches. I sprawled on a big armchair.

"Of course you can stay here. Actually it's better to do it this way than running around Sunnydale when there are dozens of vampires looking for you."

Willow yawned. "Thanks, Angel."

"Yes, thank you." Giles looked a bit uncomfortable wearing only the white shirt. "I'm afraid we haven't dealt with this situation as well as we could have and perhaps even..."

"...blamed you for something you did out of necessity. And friendship." Buffy finished his sentence. "We're sorry for treating you like you did something wrong."

I smiled. "It's all right."

"No, it's not. We should have trusted you."

"You do now. That's all that matters. So, let's talk about business."

Xander and I told the others a more detailed story about the previous night and then they told us all that had happened to them. It seemed like Thorwald's people had just watched them, but I doubted it would have stayed like that. I agreed that it was best that they stay at my place, considering that even if Thorwald left them alone otherwise, he might try to check out the school. After all, things would go more smoothly on the Equinox, if he had some kind of a dress rehearsal.

"I think it's safe for us to go to school during the day, though," Willow said. "It'll look suspicious if we all just disappear somewhere."

Giles shook his head. "Actually I think that Buffy should leave town tomorrow."

"I'm not going anywhere!"

"I didn't mean that you should actually go anywhere. You should inform Principal Snyder that you're leaving town for some important reason and then stay here for the rest of the week. That way if something... destructive happens on Saturday, you won't be blamed. If you're in Sunnydale and the school accidentally burns down or there's a small explosion somewhere, you'll be in a big trouble."

After a heated discussion, we decided that all the mortals should go on a 'field trip' for the rest of the week. If Giles went with them, no one would suspect anything.

A good plan, but a bit annoying. Well, at least my house was big enough for us all.

We all sat in silence for a moment. Then I cleared my throat. "You should bring something to eat with you tomorrow. I don't have anything here in the house, so unfortunately you can't have anything for breakfast when you wake up tomorrow. And I think you should bring other necessities you'll need, too. Like toilet paper."

Giles' face turned scarlet.

I looked up at Xander to see if he was amused by it too, and was stunned to see that his face was twisted to show his game face.

When he realized that I'd noticed the change, he turned around to face the wall.

"Excuse me." I got up and walked to him. I noticed that everyone's eyes were following me and glowered at the mortals. They seemed to find other things to stare at. Leaning close to Xander's ear, I whispered, "What's wrong?"

He shuddered. "I'm hungry."

Oh, god. I'd completely forgotten how it was with new vampires. Even though I was a bit hungry too, it wasn't burning me like it was so obviously burning him. "Let's go to the kitchen."

"I can't eat with them here," Xander whispered frantically.

"If you don't, the hunger will drive you crazy. You can't control it, you're already wearing your game face. In a few minutes you'll be climbing the walls or you might even feel an uncontrollable urge to attack one of our friends."

"Damn, I can't risk that. Okay, then. Let's go."

I turned to the others. "If you'll excuse us, we haven't had anything to eat yet. Feel free to look around the house while we have some breakfast." There was no reason to hide it. I guided Xander out of the living room, shielding him with my body.

We walked to the kitchen and I poured him a cup of blood, which he devoured in a few seconds.

"Could I have another one?"

He didn't sound all that desperate anymore and his face was now back to normal. I nodded. "Do you want me to warm it first?" I'd already put my own cup in the microwave.

"Sure. You're right, it is better when it's warm."

"Yeah. So, are you all right with them staying here?"

"No problem." Xander smiled. "We have enough room for them."

I smiled at his choice of words. "Yes, we do."

The loud 'ping' indicated that our meal was ready and I took the two cups to the table. Handing the other one to Xander, I sat down. "Cheers."

He smiled and then raised the cup to his lips.

"Angel?"

Xander's hand jerked when he heard Buffy's voice, but he did manage not to spill any of his food. "Oh, shit."

"Do you want me to ask her to wait outside?"

"Yes. Wait." He looked at his meal and then sighed. "No. If she sees this, she sees this. She must know what we're doing in here."

I smiled at him and then raised my voice. "I'm in here."

Buffy's footsteps came closer and then she peeked inside from the doorway. "Can I use your phone? I need to call home and tell mom that I'm okay."

"Go right ahead."

She grinned and then sniffed the air. "What's that delicious smell?"

Xander almost choked on his food. I raised an eyebrow. "What do you think? We're vampires. It could be chateaubriand. Or then again it could be something else."

"Oh. I guess I wasn't thinking." She blushed. "I'll go to make that call now."

I watched her disappear and then turned to Xander. He gave me a weak smile and took a sip from his cup. Apparently he didn't have a problem with his food anymore. I emptied my cup, put it back on the table and stretched. "I feel better now."

"Me too." He stared at my face. "You have a little smudge on your chin."

Rubbing my chin, I raised an eyebrow. "Is it gone?"

"No. It's..." Xander gestured with his hand and then laughed a little when I tried to wipe the blood off my face. "No, it's more to the left. Oh, you're just making it worse."

His hand swept gently over my face. I stared at the crimson drop on his finger.

Xander looked around and when he didn't see a napkin, he slowly licked the blood from his finger. The flicker of his tongue was so sensuous that it made shivers run down my spine.

It was definitely time for us to go back to the living room.

Xander remained in the kitchen and washed the dishes while I showed the others where they could sleep. Willow took the guest bedroom and I saw her blush when I hinted that her howling friend might want to share the room with her when he got out of the basement. Buffy chose the leather couch in the living room and Giles the big armchair.

Buffy got the extra blanket from the guest room. I gave the Watcher the one that Xander had used. My vampiric friend could have mine.

I warned them not to wander around the house if they woke up after the sunrise. Even if someone did open the door to my bedroom, the sunlight wouldn't get inside, but it was always good to be a bit too careful. Buffy had apparently talked with her friends about what had happened in the kitchen and no one asked any awkward questions. They just accepted matters as they were.

The mortals settled down and Xander and I went to the study.

He paced around the small room for a while, but then seemed to get bored with that. After glaring at me, he turned the TV on and began to watch some old movie. I tried not to show my amusement and concentrated on my book.

It was a long night. We were more or less confined to the study and didn't have anything special to do.

The house was quiet, even the faint howling had faded away after a few hours. Oz would be hoarse as hell the next day.

When the movie ended, Xander badgered me into playing a few games of chess with him and then sulked when I beat him three times in a row. I suggested that we switch to poker and let him win a couple of times. That made him feel better.

I dealt the cards and waited him to pick them up. He stared at the table for a moment and then raised his gaze to mine. "Angel? Should I sleep somewhere else today?"

"Don't even start with that again! We've gone through this so many times that it's almost like a bad joke now."

"The situation is different. There are others staying here. I don't want you to feel embarrassed about..."

"...sleeping in the same room with you? I'm not embarrassed by it."

Xander grimaced. "They might misunderstand what's going on. After all, we're sleeping in the same bed."

I'd had enough. The rage came from out of nowhere. "Do you want to sleep in the basement? Because that's the only other safe place in the house. If you're so concerned about what Buffy and the others think about you and me, then by all means, sleep in the basement. There should be enough room for you, if you don't mind sharing the place with Oz."

"Shut up!" He snarled. "You know I didn't mean it like that!"

"Oh, yes you did! You're afraid that they'll think that we're sleeping... Damn, screw the euphemism, that we're fucking and..."

I never had the chance to finish that sentence. Xander pushed his chair back and was at my side in a second. Then I was lying on my back and he was straddling me, glowering at me and showing me his fangs.

"Now you listen to me! I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me. The only reason I brought it up was that I was afraid that you might worry about it."

"Xander..."

"I'm not finished. I'm a guest here and I wanted to be polite. It's your bedroom and I thought you might feel a bit crowded now that there are five people staying at your place. I was trying to give you some privacy, that's all." His facial muscles moved and then all traces of him being a vampire disappeared. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. "I don't have a problem with sleeping in your bed. I don't have a problem with sleeping with you. And I don't really care if they think that we're having sex."

I lay on the floor, staring at him. It was the solemn way he'd spoken that shocked me the most. Oh, god! What had I done? I couldn't believe I'd actually voiced my own desires in the form of an accusation, and the way Xander had responded left me speechless.

He got up and then stood next to me, staring down at me.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I shouldn't have said those things to you."

He reached out with his hand and helped me up. "It's all right."

I picked up the chair and sat on it, gesturing to Xander to sit down too. It was my turn to try some honesty. "I guess I haven't made my opinion on our living arrangements clear. I like the fact that you're staying here. It's a big house and I've been lonely."

The words weren't enough to describe my loneliness. It was killing me as surely as would a stake through the heart. I was afraid that my stupidity was now driving him away, and panicked. At that moment I would have done anything to make him stay. Crawling on my hands and knees didn't sound all that far fetched at that moment.

"Angel... "

"It's my turn to talk. I enjoy your company. I haven't been this content for a long, long time. You're my friend. You're the only man in the world who's just like me. As far as I'm concerned, this is your home too. Our home. I don't have any illusions that you'll stay with me forever, but for as long as you do, it's our home, our house."

"Is it also our bedroom and our bed?" His tone was light, but there was something strange in his eyes. Maybe he wanted to make it clear to himself that I was different from his parents and that I wouldn't turn my back on him.

"Absolutely. But I insist on calling the pillow I use mine. There are some things I won't share." I smiled at him. "So what do you say?"

He smiled back at me and reached for the cards. "Sounds great."

We had another late night snack about an hour before the sunrise and I was a bit surprised with Xander's behavior. He didn't make any comments about my ghastly accusations, and I hadn't expected him to, but I'd thought that he'd try to avoid me or that there'd be at least some tension between us.

There was none. Actually it was like nothing bad had ever happened between us. He was smiling and joking with me and when he was washing out his cup, he actually hummed a soft tune. It was a bit irritating. How could he be that happy after all the things I'd said to him?

I didn't even consider not locking the bedroom door. It wasn't because I didn't trust Buffy and the others with my life, it was because I didn't trust anyone with Xander's.

He took a long time undressing, humming that tune again. I climbed into the bed and wrapped the blanket around me. Then, realizing that it was the only one in the bed, I almost groaned. I hadn't remembered that I'd given the other blanket to Giles. Unwrapping the blanket from me, I lay down again and tried to find a comfortable position.

Xander crawled next to me and pulled the blanket up. Seeing that I didn't have any blanket, he moved closer to me and covered my body with it as well. I was astonished by his actions, but didn't say anything.

He lay there quietly for a moment and then moved even closer. When I didn't do anything, he sighed, "Angel? I think I should tell you that I've never done this before. In case you didn't already know."

I blinked. What was he talking about? "Oh?" Oh? What the hell did that mean? Did I have some problem with English? Apparently so.

"Yeah. So, could you, like, do something? I'm getting a bit nervous here."

"Xander?" I touched his shoulder.

He moved his arm around me and squeezed. "That's nice." He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face. "Can I kiss you?"

Could he kiss me? Was this a dream? Was I hallucinating? There was only one way to answer him. I closed the distance between us and brushed my lips against his. I half expected him to shove me away, but all he did was hold me tighter. His lips were soft and they moved against mine, nibbling my mouth. I had no idea how I'd survived without his taste before.

Vampires breathe, but we don't actually need air, and we didn't have to break that kiss for a long, long time. My hands were moving up and down his back and he was squirming against me. It felt wonderful.

When my hands met the waistband of my boxers that he was still wearing, I realized what I was doing and recoiled back like he was burning me. I lay next to him, panting and tried to calm down. I had to know why we were doing this before going any farther.

"Xander? Do you really want to do this?"

He looked dazed. "Oh, yeah!"

"Why? Why now?" It was surprising that I could actually form coherent words after hearing that throaty admission. And why the hell was I still hesitating? He'd already said yes! Maybe if it had been someone else, I would have grabbed him. But not Xander. He was more to me than just a wonderful, eager body. I needed to be sure there would be no regrets.

"I don't get it." Xander sat up. "I thought we already talked this through."

"What? When?"

"You said... Oh, no. Oh. Shit. Oh, my god!"

I watched him jump off the bed and scurry to the door. He tried the handle and then groaned, "I can't believe this is happening! Where the hell is the key?"

"Xander? What's wrong?" His sudden change of behavior made no sense. "What did you think I said?"

He stood by the door, keeping his back to me. "I asked you if it you really wanted to share this bed with me. If you meant it was our bed. Obviously I misunderstood your answer, or you misunderstood my question, whatever. I'm sorry about the confusion. If you'll open the door, I'll go sleep in the basement."

"You thought that the condition of you staying here was to have sex with me?" I was horrified. "You know I'd never ask that from you!"

"No. Of course you wouldn't. Why would you want me?"

"What?"

"Just open the door, Angel. I'm dying of embarrassment here."

I walked to the place I'd hidden the key and then approached him, but I didn't open the door. He needed to tell me something before one of us went to go sleep in the cold little underground storage room. And it wouldn't be him. "Do you want me, Xander? I mean if you could have sex with me, would you?"

"Don't ask stupid questions! You know that I would."

I swear I heard the hallelujah chorus. "Come back to bed."

"Don't patronize me, Angel." His voice sounded tired. "It's all right."

"No, it's not. This floor is absolutely too hard for having... for making love. Either we go back to bed now, or you'll have to wait until tomorrow for some serious action. I need to sleep too, you know."

Xander turned slowly to face me. "Could you possibly make me any more confused?"

I guess I hadn't been all that clear. "So, listen carefully. You want me. I want you. We're in a bedroom. There's a nice, comfortable bed a few feet from where we're standing. We could either stand here and argue, go to the bed and sleep, or go to the bed and have wild, passionate sex. I vote for the third option. What do you say?"

He didn't say anything. He gawked at me for a moment and then ran back to the bed. I was about a step and a half behind him.

We kissed, we groped and then destroyed two pairs of perfectly good silk boxers. It didn't last long. I'd wanted Xander for too long and he was still a teenager.

It wasn't even embarrassing. We just yanked the wet boxers off and moved to round two. Vampires have a very short recuperating time, and when you combine that with the fact that we'd both been quite young when we'd died, we were up for more serious action in just a few minutes.

Yes, there are some good things about being a vampire. This was definitely one of them.

For a first timer, Xander was astonishingly good at it. His hands and mouth moved all over my body. He seemed to enjoy gnawing my collar bone, tracing patterns all over my chest with his fingers and tongue. He wasn't the only one. His enthusiasm was very flattering. I didn't just lie there under his ministrations, even though that crossed my mind too. Every single caress he made was answered, every kiss, every nibble copied.

When his hand approached my erection, I could sense his hesitation.

Okay, I thought that maybe I should take the lead. I was obviously the first man he'd ever been in bed with, and it could be strange to touch another man like that. For him, I mean. I had no such problems, I just flung him onto his back and then focused all my attention on his arousal.

It was so exciting to touch him, caress him, taste him. He made these wonderful shocked exclamations when I touched his erection with my tongue, and they turned into whimpers as I took him in my mouth. Xander's hands tore at the sheets, trying to get a hold on something. I felt like I was drowning, too. He tasted so good. Better than anything, even blood. I continued licking him, until I felt I couldn't stand the excitement anymore. Then I let go of him.

Holding my lover's shaft in my mouth when I lost control would have been a very bad idea. Even though we heal fast, I was sure Xander didn't want fangmarks on his private parts.

I moved on top of him. For a second I thought of going all the way, but then I realized that there was nothing I could use as lubricant in the bedroom. There was a tube of hair gel, but that wouldn't have worked. I'd had that sticky stuff on my hands often enough to know that. The route to the bathroom was safe, but that would have meant actually letting go of him and leaving the room to get the tube. Maybe next time.

Moving against him in a steady rhythm, I smiled a little as his panting turned into throaty moans. He arched against me, trying to get more friction. With a frustrated groan, Xander flung me off him and then jumped on top of me. I let him do whatever he wanted, but after a few minutes I moved us back to our original position, grinning at his disappointed whimpers. I loved teasing him.

It was wonderful to roll around the bed, holding him close and feeling his body against mine. Finally I found myself lying on my back, groaning with pleasure as Xander thrust against me. Some small corner of my mind remembered that screaming wouldn't be such a good idea, and I ground my teeth together, almost breaking my jaw when my orgasm drove through me like a stake, pushing all the control away.

Xander muffled his own groans into the pillow, collapsing on top of me.

I hugged the young man tight, never wanting to let him go. His weight didn't bother me at all. Once again one of those vampiric advantages. After a few minutes I rolled us onto our sides, though. We needed some sleep, and that close hug would have most probably led to other activities.

Laying my head back down, I was startled when it didn't meet the soft surface of my pillow. I glanced at the pillow case and groaned when I saw feathers all over the bed. "You tore my pillow!"

He stared at the remains of the pillow and began to laugh. "I'm sorry." His voice indicated that he wasn't.

I growled, and after brushing off the feathers, I pushed him onto his back. Then I moved to rest my head on his chest. "I'm not. This is much more comfortable."

Ignoring the sticky feeling, I closed my eyes and drifted towards sleep. The last thing I remembered was Xander's hand stroking my head.

---

I woke up, feeling wonderful. Xander was still sleeping next to me and he looked so peaceful, I didn't have the heart to wake him up. There was something in the air, I didn't know what, but it made me restless. The clock indicated that it was past sunset and I got up. I wasn't all that sleepy anymore.

Feeling suddenly confined, I had to get out of the small room.

Sneaking out of the bedroom, I walked past the other rooms, towards the front door. My footsteps were surprisingly loud, but that didn't worry me. I didn't hear any heartbeats and knew that there was no one in the house but me and Xander. That was probably the reason for me not minding doing my little walk without any clothes on.

I stood for a minute in front of the main door, not really thinking about anything, just staring at the door. It was almost like a part of my brain was still asleep. Something was going to happen, something hauntingly familiar, but I couldn't remember what it was. Then the door opened and I stepped outside.

The moment I passed the threshold, I felt a cold breeze against my body. Then I was warm, burning, actually. I was no longer naked, I was clad in black clothes. Trying to step back into the house, I realized that I couldn't do anything but go forward.

Then I wasn't me anymore.

---

"No!" I fought against someone who was holding me down. "Not anymore! I'm Angel! Angel!" Using every ounce of my strength, I flailed around with my arms, trying to get free, even though I knew that the greatest enemy wasn't external. If the demon had seized power over me again, there was nothing for me to do, but try to kill myself before he once again used everything I was to destroy people I cared for.

"Calm down, man. It was just a dream. It's all right."

I recognized Xander's voice and clung to him. He held me tighter and I took a few deep breaths. If I was still in bed with the young man, that meant that I was all right.

"Angel?"

"Yeah, I'm all right now." I didn't move away from his embrace, though. "I had a nightmare. It felt so real, I wasn't sure if I was still me or..." Clamping my mouth shut, I buried my face in his shoulder. I didn't want to talk about that soulless demon that had my face, my memories. My friend didn't need to be reminded of him either.

Xander took a deep breath. "Angelus?"

"Yeah. I didn't mean to..."

A strong hand rubbing my back interrupted my apology. "It's okay. You're not like that. I know you're not."

It was odd to hear him say that, for my dream clearly indicated that I wasn't all that convinced about it after all. I hadn't thought about the last time I'd been with someone, and what had happened after that, but apparently the fear of losing my soul had been lurking in my subconscious all the time. Funny, how I'd managed to lie to myself about it so convincingly that I hadn't even known I'd been deceiving myself. I wasn't over it, not by a long shot, but I didn't think about it. Maybe it was the only way to stay sane after all Angelus had done.

I didn't say anything, I just kissed him. Telling him that it had been the situation that triggered my nightmare wouldn't have been a good idea. I had no idea whether or not Buffy had told her friends about our one night together, but I didn't think we should talk about that now. It was all past.

Xander didn't seem to be interested in conversation either. Maybe we'd talk about it in a century or two. At the moment we had something more interesting to do.

---

That evening we really had a reason for a shower. After toweling each other dry, we had to grab another shower and then we headed towards the kitchen. The steady heartbeats of our friends indicated that they were all there waiting for us.

"Do you have a problem with them being here to see us eat?" I asked quietly.

Xander shook his head. "Nah. They've seen worse. Have to tell you though, blood isn't exactly what I want right now."

"Then what do you want?"

His eyes gleamed with mischief. He muttered something with a quiet voice, knowing very well that I'd hear him.

I was at his side in less than a second. "What?"

"You heard me. I want you to show me how to do that, so I can try it on you. Then you should probably show me again."

"Don't say things like that when I have to concentrate on serious business!" I was almost ready to scream from frustration. "Later!"

We stepped into the kitchen and the first thing I saw was a stunned look on Oz's blushing face. Oh, god! I'd completely forgotten about his abilities. He'd probably heard Xander's little comment about impaling vampires and… . I couldn't help groaning when I realized that even if my friend had kept his mouth shut, the hairball would have known about us anyway. We hadn't been exactly quiet in the morning.

When no one said anything, I assumed that Oz had kept his muzzle shut and relaxed a little. I didn't want to discuss my relationship with Xander with anyone yet.

Buffy was rummaging through a big plastic bag, and Giles was putting all the groceries in the fridge as she handed them to him. I noticed that he was very careful not to show his disgust when he moved the bags of blood out of his way.

Reaching out, I grabbed a bag and then moved to the cupboard to get the cups. "Xander? Heated?" I raised his cup.

All the mortals stared at the cup, like it could hypnotize them. Moving my hand a little, I grinned as they followed it with their gaze.

My lover smiled a little and nodded. "Sure, why not."

I put the cups in the microwave. Willow turned back to scrub the stove clean and Oz continued to get in her way. Xander sat down to watch his friends.

Giles finished filling the fridge, and then piled some cans onto the counter. It was interesting to watch all that they'd bought. I was a bit amused by the way Xander sighed as the Watcher put a box of cookies on the table. Poor dear. It had been so long since I'd eaten anything but blood, I wasn't even envious of all the different flavors the mortals could explore. Buffy began to tear the box open just as the little 'ping' once again announced that our meal was ready, and all the mortals froze again.

Grabbing the cups, I walked to the table and handed Xander his meal. He had an impish smile on his lips as he raised his cup and saluted at me with it.

"Bon Appetit." I raised the cup also, and then brought it to my lips.

Buffy put the empty bag into the trash can and then motioned towards the door with her head. The other mortals scurried after her, giving us some privacy to finish our breakfast.

I looked at Xander, and we both burst into laughter. We tried to muffle it of course, so our friends wouldn't be offended, but the whole situation was so hilarious, we couldn't help chuckling. We stopped laughing when the door opened again, and Buffy sneaked into the kitchen. She smiled apologetically and then grabbed the little bag that she'd left on a chair.

Her face was definitely burning when she carried the bag of toilet paper out of the kitchen.

"Buffy!"

She froze at the door, and then turned slowly to face Xander. "What?"

"You don't have to act like that while we're eating. You know, staring at us like we're doing something bizarre, wondering what we'll do next. It's nothing exotic, anyway. It's just cow. We don't eat people."

"Oh." Buffy blinked a few times and then a smile spread on her lips. "Too bad, I was hoping I could talk you into going to dinner at Principal Snyder's..."

Once again my lover almost spat a mouthful of blood on the tablecloth. The Slayer winked at me and then walked out.

I glanced at Xander. "That went well."

"Yeah. Now shut up, and eat."

Xander finished his meal and then put his cup into the sink. He stretched, and then brushed his hair off his forehead with his hand.

That little gesture caught my attention. His hair was shorter now than it had been when I'd first met him, but the dark mass of hair was still beautiful. A few locks curled slightly over the ears and suddenly I didn't care about the rest of dinner. I wanted to do something so bad, it burned me.

The others were already in the living room, so I didn't have to worry about them hearing. I swallowed a few times and then decided to go ahead and just ask. "Xander? Can I…" My mouth continued to move, but no words came out.

"You want to do that 'stake through the vampire' -thing?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

"No. I mean yes! Later, not here in the kitchen. But I want to do something else first."

"What?" Xander looked curious.

"Can I brush your hair?" I breathed it out, waiting for him to start laughing.

He blinked and then ran his fingers through his still damp hair. "You want to brush my hair? Angel, you pervert!"

I recognized the teasing tone and swallowed. Maybe I was way out of my league here. We hadn't even talked about feelings, it was possible that I was the only one here who wanted us to spend eternity together.

"Angel? Did I say something wrong?"

"No. I think I should..." Of course he didn't understand what I was asking. It wasn't exactly something we advertised. Maybe we should talk about it later. I made a little move towards the door.

Xander's hand grabbed my arm. "Is this hair-thing something significant? Like in a relationship between two vampires?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Oh. Okay, you can brush my hair whenever you want to. Let's go to the living room with the others. I'll grab my brush on the way there."

It was my turn to stop him. "I think we should wait until we are somewhere private. If we start to mess with hair, Giles will know what's going on."

"He will?" Xander looked surprised. "It's that big a thing?"

"Yes." It really was.

"Tell me about it."

I took a deep breath. "If a vampire does it to his fledgling, it's about control. It's a very intimate gesture and doing it without asking the other one's permission shows that one has complete domination over the other."

Xander looked appalled and I raised my hand. "Let me finish. Like I said, I'm not considering you as my childe. I'm asking you to let me do it to you, out of friendship and caring. And then maybe you could..."

"I could what?"

"You could do the same for me." My voice quivered a little. I'd never asked it from anyone before.

He was quiet for a moment. Then he took my hand in his. "Angel? Why do I get the feeling that there's more to this? Is there something I ought to know?"

My throat was dry. Why the hell did this have to happen now that we had things to do? Why couldn't the world just stand still and let us have a century or two to deal with this? "Xander… Vampires don't buy each other flowers. We don't buy each other rings. We don't exchange vows in front of a priest. We have other ways to show complete trust and devotion. Like sharing the same...um, victim, or in our case, a cup, or... "

"... brushing each other's hair?" His voice indicated that he'd gotten the idea. "Angel, what will happen when we defeat Thorwald?"

I looked him straight in the eye. "Then we'll continue on with our lives until the next bad guy comes into town."

"And we'll continue living together?"

"For as long as you want to."

"What if I want to stay here for as long as I live? Or am among the living dead or something."

"If you do, you'll make me the happiest vampire on earth." I smiled at him, keeping my face normal with the last thread of my control. "Xander, I lo…"

"Hey, come on, guys. Did you decide to drain the whole damn cow?"

Buffy's teasing words broke the moment and I jumped away from Xander. "We'll be right there!" I smiled at Xander. "You go on ahead. I'll wash the dishes first." I needed some time alone. All the emotions were on the surface and I wanted to be calm when I went to see the others.

Xander didn't make a move to leave the kitchen. "Do we keep this a secret?"

I didn't know how to interpret that calm tone of voice. "Do you want it to be a secret?"

"I asked first."

"Okay. No, I don't want to hide this from them. After we've dealt with Thorwald, we should tell them all."

Xander nodded. "Sounds like a good plan. There's no need to bring this out in the open now. It'll just distract them."

"Good." I didn't tell him about Oz already knowing about us. The wolfboy wouldn't say anything. His reaction to all this was a positive sign. I doubted that the others would have any problems with the fact that Xander and I were both male. They'd probably be shocked about the fact that it was the two of us who were having a romantic relationship, though. Well, I'd worry about that later.

We kissed and then he went to find our friends.

After washing the dishes, I walked to the living room. The others were already there. Xander was sitting on the couch and I couldn't help myself. It was almost like he was drawing me towards him. I sprawled next to him.

Buffy was telling us how things had gone at school that day. Apparently Principal Snyder had whined about the sudden 'field trip', but finally, when he'd realized that the most annoying students would be out of school for at least a day, he'd granted his permission.

I couldn't keep my attention on the conversation, even though it was really amusing. Not when Xander was sitting next to me, fingering his hair with a soft smile on his lips. At first he seemed to do it unconsciously, but then I noticed the way he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. He was playing with me. Even so, it was impossible to keep my eyes off him. That strong hand caressing those silky strands, making his hair all muffled. My hands itched for a brush. Or maybe I could just run my fingers through his hair, letting that softness slide through my fingers, taking in the scent of his shampoo, massaging his scalp.

Gradually I realized that all talk in the room had ceased.

"Angel? Is something wrong?"

I glanced at Buffy, frowning at the tone of her voice. She sounded disturbed by something. "What?"

"Your face..."

My hands flew to touch my face even though I already knew what had happened. The desire to be with Xander had been too strong for me to have any control over my emotions. Fang time.

Xander looked at me and sighed. "It must be the pressure. Stress and all."

I'd had enough of his teasing. All my intentions of keeping this whole relationship a secret went straight out the window. I got to my feet and snarled, "Follow me. Now."

"Angel? What's going on?"

Ignoring Buffy's question, I stormed out of the living room, knowing that Xander was following me.

When we reached the bedroom, I slammed him against the wall. "Business before pleasure. Understand that! We need our wits when we face Thorwald and spending every waking hour trying to crawl into each other's pants is definitely distracting us! I don't want you to get killed because we've been too horny to plan what to do the day after tomorrow."

Xander grimaced, but he didn't say anything.

"Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes. Sorry." He looked like he'd just committed a horrendous crime. "I won't play anymore."

I touched his cheek gently. "Good. 'Cause this isn't a game."

The happy smile on his lips told me that everything was all right again.

We returned to the living room. I noticed the odd way Willow and Giles glanced at us, but since they didn't say anything, I didn't pay much attention to them.

"Let's talk about business."

The plan we made was actually quite simple. We'd go to the school when the sun set on the Spring Equinox, carrying enough stakes, crosses and holy water to kill an army of vampires.

Xander squinted his eyes. "Couldn't we make some preparations? Like put crosses on the walls, or sprinkle holy water all over the floors?"

"There's an idea." Buffy smiled.

"Not really. That will only make Thorwald mad. He has time to wait until the next Spring Equinox and he can use that time to hunt you down and kill you. You can't stay here forever."

She grimaced. "You're right. So we need to destroy the Tear. Willow? Have you found out anything about that 'power of Freya' -thing?"

Willow opened the book she'd been holding in her lap. "I found this quote about love conquering all. It says that the evil can be stopped with 'a love in the light, a love in the darkness, a love to save the world'. That still doesn't tell us what to do, though."

"No, but at least we have material we can work with."

We all stared at Giles. What did he mean?

The Watcher cleared his throat. "I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable here, but..."

"Just say it."

"Um... A co-slayer and a werewolf. That kind of fits the description, don't you think?"

Willow and Oz both blushed. Then the boy nodded. "Yeah. I guess that sounds right. We do have all those qualities, don't we?"

It was probably the longest sentence I'd ever heard from Oz. So it really was love.

Giles smiled slightly and then sobered up again. "We do have a problem, though. I got a call from a friend of mine from England. It seems that some of the young vampires have left London to join Thorwald's gang."

Thorwald had groupies? Young people!

Xander cocked his head. "How many?"

"Five or six. But there might be others coming from all around Europe. Not to mention vampires from around here."

"Hey, what if I tried to infiltrate our enemy? You know, as a young fan of Thorwald's."

I glared at my young, foolish lover. "Don't even think about that."

"Come on! It's the perfect way to handle this. Thorwald has never seen me. I can join his gang."

"No! Absolutely not!"

Xander glowered at me. "You can't stop me."

Oh, really? "Just try me."

We stared at each other, neither of us willing to back off. Then Willow cleared her throat. "I think Angel is right. You shouldn't risk your life, Xander."

"But..."

"You know we're right. Stop arguing."

Thank god for that girl. Xander muttered something, but then he shrugged. "Okay."

"Now that's settled, Angel, could I take a look at your library? Just in case there's something we've missed."

I wasn't certain if Giles really wanted to go through my books or if he just wanted to break the tension, but it didn't really matter. We all went to the study, where all my books were, and then the Watcher walked straight over to the bookshelves.

My book collection was quite impressive, even if I do say so myself. Going through it was a waste of time, though. I knew there was nothing about the Tear of Odin there. I'd checked that out the night before Xander became a vampire.

"What's this?"

I turned to see Giles picking up something from the top shelf. A small bundle of green leather. The Watcher unwrapped a book from it, and I squinted my eyes, trying to read its name. Then I remembered why it was wrapped in that piece of cloth. "The paper is made of a... No!"

Xander's hand began to steam the instant he grabbed a hold of the book. I swatted the heavy volume off his hand, not caring when it stung me too.

The others stared at us. I held Xander's hand in mine, trying to see how badly he'd been burned. "The book's pages have been sprinkled with holy water. I've never been able to read it." It was supposed to be a very important book, so I hadn't thrown it away. I'd just tossed it somewhere where it would be safe and then forgotten all about it.

"Xander? Are you all right?" Willow's voice sounded strangled.

My lover was still staring at our joined hands. He was shaking a little, his face still contorted with pain and fear. "No... What? I'm okay."

Buffy approached us slowly. When I let go of Xander's hand, she grabbed it. "I know... I knew what had happened to you, and I saw you eat and all, but..." She raised her free hand to Xander's face and followed the creases of his game face with her fingers. "I never realized what it really meant."

"I'm a vampire." His words were calm. So was his face now.

"Yeah. It's just so weird to think of you as a vampire, since all the vampires I've ever met are bloodsucking fiends." She tensed. "Almost all, that is."

Giles looked up from the book. "When we've dealt with Thorwald, we should try to find out why you still have your soul. You're the first vampire in the history of the earth who's had his soul from the start. It will be fascinating to observe you."

"Observe me? What am I, a lab rat?"

The Watcher almost started to object, but when he saw Xander smile, he snorted and turned back to the book. He browsed through it, his eyes widening. "My god! This is it."

"Did you find something interesting?"

"Interesting?" Giles waved the book in the air. "This book describes many ancient rituals where people try to draw power from a magical object. There's a whole chapter on the Tear of Odin."

Buffy squealed with joy and hugged her Watcher. I just shook my head. Wonders never ceased. What a surprise we happened to find the book we needed.

"It will take time for me to translate this, though. We need to be absolutely certain of every single aspect of the ritual. I wish I had my dictionaries with me. Angel, do you have..."

I gestured at the topmost shelf on the left. "There."

He hurried to find the correct book and then started to translate the ancient text.

The night was quite different from the previous one. We spent most of the time trying not to talk about the Equinox, concentrating on various books and TV-shows. Very awkward. The mortals were determined to stay up too, so they'd get used to being awake at night. Xander's constant presence was soothing, but after a few hours I was getting a bit annoyed with the others. Two centuries of solitude did that to a person.

Giles and Willow kept glancing at me every fifteen minutes. Whenever I caught them staring, they blushed and averted their eyes, the Watcher returning to the old book and the girl gluing her gaze back to the TV. I didn't know what to think of that. It was quite obvious that they suspected something, but I wasn't certain what it was. I also had no idea how they'd react if we told them about our relationship.

Relationship. I liked that. The word indicated that we had a future together.

Xander and I didn't sneak into the kitchen that morning. We'd both eaten so much in the evening, we didn't need a late night snack. A few hours before the sunrise I thought I'd go insane if I had to spend one more minute talking with the others and escaped to the wash room. It was about time to do the laundry.

After hanging the clothes and the table cloth up to dry, I headed back to the living room. I noticed how Giles and Willow glanced at me when I walked over to Xander. Ignoring them, I patted his shoulder. "It's almost sunrise."

"Oh, right. I'd completely lost track of time." He put the remote control back on the table and got up. "Thanks for reminding me."

Giles exchanged an odd look with Willow and stepped up next to Xander. "Could I speak to you in private for a moment before you go to bed, please?"

"Sure." The young man shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. "I'm not in any hurry." He didn't sound all that convincing.

I smiled at the impatience in his voice. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one who thought that business was definitely over for the night.

Oz glanced at me when he went after Willow, but I couldn't read his expression. Since he didn't say anything, I figured he had no intention of interfering in my relationship with Xander.

There was that word again.

The first thing I did when I got to my bedroom was to change the sheets. I'd completely forgotten that earlier. I carried them to the hamper and made sure that I grabbed the little tube from the bathroom cabinet on my way back to the bedroom. No need to even think about the hair gel this time.

Xander hadn't finished his little talk with Giles yet, and I paced around the small room. I was getting nervous. It was very important to me to make things perfect for both of us, and this waiting didn't do my self restraint any good. My gaze drifted to the brush that was lying on the bedside table and I walked over to it. Fingering the familiar little object usually calmed me.

It didn't this time.

Eavesdropping is not nice, I know, but I couldn't help tuning into Xander's voice. Waiting for him to show up was making me so tense, I was afraid I'd just jump him the moment I saw him. This way I'd know when he was coming. Maybe I could control my urge to maul him on the floor if his arrival wasn't a surprise.

It was easy to find his voice. It was louder than usual and there was a hint of horror in it.

"What? You really think he'd do something like that?"

Giles sounded apologetic. "I'm sorry, Xander, but it seems to me that he's already doing that. You live here with him. He's ordering you around, making you obey him. I'm just telling you to be careful. He might try to..."

"Try what?"

"It's documented that vampires use their childer to perform certain..." The Watcher sighed. "He might use you."

"Use me?"

"Um... Yes. He might ask you to... It's common for the older vampires to make the younger... Um... Be intimate with them."

Xander was quiet for a moment. "You mean he might ask me to have sex with me? Just because he made me a vampire?"

I closed my eyes.

"Yes. And you might not be able to refuse him. You don't even seem to be refusing his orders now. It's very common for new vampires to have the urge to please their sire by obeying their every command. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. But Angel said this isn't about me being his childe."

Giles was quiet for a moment. Then he asked, "Did he say what this is about, whatever 'this' is?"

"No." Xander said with a quiet voice. "Look, Giles, I'm pretty sure that you're worried for nothing. Maybe."

I sat on the foot of the bed with my brush in my hand. My hand hurt, but I couldn't stop squeezing the handle. Listening to Giles' explanation made me want to run into the living room and shake the man. God, did the Watcher really think so little of me? And what did Xander mean with his last remark?

Oh, no! What if he really thought he had to give his body to me? But no, we'd already talked about it. He'd said that he wanted me.

Wanted, yes. But we hadn't said a word about love.

The Watcher sounded sad. "Just be careful."

"Don't worry, Giles. I'll be all right."

Xander's words and the following footsteps made me jolt out of my gloomy thoughts. I didn't even have the time to get up before he shoved the door open and stepped inside the bedroom.

His face was calm, but there was doubt in his eyes. When he saw what I was holding in my hands he swallowed. "Do you want me to sit in front of you on the floor so you can reach my hair better?"

The cold tone made it sound like he was asking me if I wanted him to drop his pants and just lean over the table. My hands started to shake. "No."

"So you don't want to play with my hair anymore? Fine. Let's move on." Xander moved his hands to the collar of his shirt and began to unbutton it.

The brush fell on the floor as I scrambled off the bed. "Stop that!"

"Now you don't want me at all?" He gestured at the tube that was on the nightstand. "It doesn't look that way to me."

"It's not what you think."

Xander laughed mirthlessly. "No? Tell me what it is, then."

"It's not about control, it's not about a sire-childe relationship. I do want you, but only if you want me, too."

"I really want to believe you, but Giles..."

"Yeah, I heard. He's wrong."

"Prove it."

My mind was racing. "How?"

"I don't know!" Xander sounded tired. "I don't know anything anymore! First I realize that I have the hots for the guy who made Attila the Hun look like a saint. Then when I try to make peace with him, I turn into a vampire. And then, when everything seems to be all right, I hear that..."

"You had the hots for me? You cared for me before all this started?"

"Yeah."

This emotional roller coaster was really too much for me. I sat back on the bed and ran my hand across my face. "Tell me, Xander, what would convince you that I don't want to use you?"

He was quiet for a while. "Why didn't you want me to join the other young vampires?"

"I don't want to lose you. If they find out you're one of us, they'll kill you."

"But don't you see, if there are other young vampires coming here to join Thorwald, why would they get suspicious of me? That way..."

"You could get killed. Thorwald will tell his gang to tie you to a tree or something so you can wait for the first rays of the sun. And then you'll die. You'll fry like a moth in a flame and the last sound you hear will be..."

"Why do you care?" Xander growled. "Why do you care if I die hearing my own screams echoing in my ears?"

"I care, because it won't be your voice you'll hear. It'll be mine. If you insist on killing yourself, you'd better be prepared to see me fry too." I groaned, feeling my face twitch again.

He gaped at me. "What?"

"Don't you get it? I don't ever want to lose you! I love you."

"You do?" Xander's voice was full of wonder. "Really? I love you, too."

He was an idiot. I was an idiot. And then the older idiot was kissing the younger like my life depended on it. My face was back to normal and I could feel his lips against mine. My hands grasped his soft hair and held his head still as my mouth devoured his. I nibbled and licked his lips, drinking in his taste, reveling in it. It was wild and passionate and when I finally raised my head I was panting. More out of emotional exhaustion than physical. Breathing was more a habit than a necessity.

But I needed air to form words. "I really do love you. You, Alexander Harris. Never doubt that."

Xander stared at me with his eyes wide open. Then he began to struggle to get free from my grip.

I let him go, but he didn't go far. He closed the door, turned the key and then returned to the bed.

The rational part of me wanted to object when Xander began to undress me. We'd been through quite a shock and it would have been better to just go to sleep and deal with all this intimacy the next evening.

My body had other plans, though, and soon we were both naked, once again thrusting against each other. That last thread of sanity won a small victory when I slapped the tube out of Xander's hand and just moved faster against him. It was enough for now. Anything more intense would have probably killed me.

Afterwards, when we lay glued to each other, Xander traced my collar bone with his finger, fidgeting a little. I waited for a moment and then asked, "Are you going to do that all day, or do you think you might actually tell me what's bothering you?"

"Nothing's bothering me. I was just thinking about the future. It's still hard to believe that you want me here forever." He looked into my eyes. "No one's ever wanted me for that long."

I remembered the way his parents had treated him. Apparently I would spend the next decade or two convincing him that this was real. I rolled on top of him and growled playfully. "Believe it. You're mine, Xander and we'll be together for as long as we both shall live. Or be dead. Whatever." Great. Now I was even starting to talk like him.

Xander realized that I was playing with him, and grinned. "You're so macho, Angel."

I laughed with him, but then I sobered up. Not wanting him to think that what I'd said was just a joke, I said, "I really meant it. Forever. If that's what you want." I had to add that. He wasn't even eighteen yet. It was quite possible he didn't want to even think about making a commitment like that.

"Yeah. Forever. I like the sound of it." He squirmed away from me and then fished something from the floor.

My eyes widened as I saw the small object. Xander smiled at me as I took it from him and then he turned his back to me. At first my hands trembled so badly, I had trouble holding the brush, but after a few minutes I forgot all about being nervous and just began to enjoy my task. We both knew what it meant, and it was comforting to express our feelings like that. I'd thought his hair would be soft, but the reality went beyond all the fantasies.

When I'd finished with his hair, I handed him the brush. For the first time in over two hundred years I felt someone else's fingers massage my scalp with my permission. God, I loved every minute of it. I could have spent the whole day sitting there, enjoying his touch.

We didn't have the luxury of that, though. If we wanted to be in top shape to face Thorwald, we couldn't afford a sleepless day. Xander looked as disappointed as I felt when we lay down and put the light out.

---

The next night was a disaster.

Now that we knew that the next evening we'd face danger, it was really irritating to just sit and wait. We did make some preparations, sharpening stakes, bottling holy water and all, but since Xander and I could only help with the sharpening, I got a bit bored after a few hours.

I'd finally found someone to love, someone I could have with me for the rest of eternity, but instead of spending the whole night making plans for the future with him, or better yet, making love with him, I had to concentrate on preparing myself for a fight.

The fact that Xander kept staring at me certainly didn't help.

Giles had translated most of the text and he gave us a lecture about the ritual. Thorwald and his followers would paint a big triangle on the floor with red paint. The Watcher illustrated his story by drawing a triangle on a big piece of paper and he gestured at it with his pencil. "The three points will focus the power on the Tear. The one who wants to rule the world stands there," he gestured at one point. "The sacrifice there and the Tear is put there. When the time is right, they're all drawn to the center and then..."

He browsed through the book and frowned. "I'm not completely sure what will happen, but apparently the Tear will grant all the powers to the one who makes the sacrifice."

"We'd better make sure that Thorwald won't even get the chance to paint that triangle," Buffy huffed. "Where do you think he'll do that, anyway?"

We all looked at each other and then said in unison. "The library."

"That's the logical choice. After all, that's where the Hellmouth opened. It's safe to assume that it's the most powerful place here." Giles adjusted his glasses. "Maybe we should make some preparations after all. The school is empty tomorrow. We could sneak in there sometime during the day and hide all the necessary equipment in the library."

I shook my head. "It's too risky. You're supposed to be on that field trip, remember?"

"They are. I'm not."

Oz's quiet words made me sigh with relief. We'd have a huge advantage over Thorwald. I just hoped this time it would work. The last time we'd thought we were two steps ahead of the Scandinavian, we'd ended seeing him get the cup.

"Let's plan where all the stakes and crosses should be put."

After we'd made a plan we could all agree on, Xander held up a hand. "How will we get to the school? Should Angel and I go there before sunrise and then wait there until tomorrow evening? There are lots of closets and storage rooms we can sleep in."

He wanted to get into a closet with me? I was beginning to realize why he'd laughed every time we'd talked about closets. His idea wasn't all that good, though. "I don't think we should go there. Thorwald might have the same idea and I don't want to spend the whole day fighting against his people."

I noticed that Giles glanced at Willow again. It was getting really annoying. I wanted to grab them both and scream that I loved Xander and that our disagreement had nothing to go with me being his sire or anything as creepy as that. Of course I didn't do anything like that. It could wait until this thing with Thorwald was over.

"I..." Xander sighed with resignation. "I guess you're right. So we'll all go there as soon as the sun sets?"

The two mortals shared another one of those looks.

Ignoring them, I nodded at Xander. "Sounds good. That means we should get to bed a few hours before the sunrise so we can rest, though."

He smiled at me.

We gathered all the vampire slaying stuff into bags and carried them into the outer hallway. Oz could grab them from there. The crosses and bottles of holy water would all be put in the library, as well as most of the stakes. We'd take the rest of the weapons with us the next evening.

Willow pulled Oz with her into the guest bedroom. Xander was also looking a little anxious to leave the others and he padded to the bathroom to take a shower. I walked through the house, feeling a bit odd. The waiting was almost over. A few hours of sleep and then we'd get ready to leave to meet Thorwald. As soon as the last rays of the sun disappeared, we'd head towards the school.

I didn't really want to think of what would happen then.

After my little tour, I headed to my bedroom. I wanted to be there, waiting, when Xander finished his shower. It didn't take long for me to remove my shirt and pants, and I slipped between the sheets. I wanted to leave some work for Xander, too. Slowly undressing one's lover was a perfect way to start a day.

There was a knock on the door. Scenting who it was, I sighed. It would have been best to wait until this mess with Thorwald was over, but the way Giles and Willow had acted all night made it impossible. The atmosphere had been tense and, of course, Buffy had noticed it.

"Come on in."

She stepped inside my bedroom, smiling apologetically when she saw that I was already in bed. "Am I disturbing you?"

"No. Sit down." I gestured towards a chair.

Buffy lowered herself on the chair and took a deep breath. "I need to know what's going on here. I know I don't have any right to ask you about your private life, but something big is obviously going on. Giles and Willow know something about it, and I get the feeling that Oz does too."

"You're right."

"So, what is it? I hate to be left in the dark."

I didn't know how to say it to her. Telling her about Xander and me would just hurt her. "Buffy…"

The door opened and Xander stepped inside, wearing my old bathrobe. When he saw Buffy, he froze. "I didn't know you were here."

"I needed to talk with Angel. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to bed."

Xander had a desperate look on his face, and his gaze flickered to the bed. Then he glanced at me. "Uh, I..."

Buffy stared at him and then turned slowly to face me. "Angel? Are you two sleeping together?"

At least it was a straight question and I could give a straight answer. "Yes."

Xander walked to the bed and sat down next to me, squeezing his hands together.

"And when you say you're sleeping together, do you mean that you're sharing the bed for safety reasons or are you really sleeping together?" Buffy's voice was unnaturally calm.

I looked at Xander, not knowing how I should answer. He'd said that he didn't want it to be a secret, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to be completely open with the others.

He smiled a little when he saw my questioning look. "We're really sleeping together."

"I see." Her voice was still perfectly calm. She stared at Xander for a moment and then turned back to me. "Is this because you made him? Are you just using him like you've used other vampires you made?

I flinched. No matter how many times I'd told myself that it wasn't about that, it still hurt. Darla had used me. Angelus had used all his fledglings. But I'd never even imagined using anyone like that. Her question stung me. After all, we'd been very close once. If she really doubted my motivations, she obviously didn't trust me anymore. "No." It was just a whisper. I didn't have the strength to say anything else.

Xander was shaking his head. "I started this. Even before I became a vampire, I wanted to be with him."

Buffy didn't say anything. She just kept her eyes on my face.

"He's very special to me. I'm not going to hurt him. Ever."

"Does he make you happy?" Her question was almost a whisper.

"Yes." I hated to see the pain in her eyes. Her words brought back to me our last conversation as a couple, a few days after I came back from... there. It was the first time we admitted to ourselves that maybe our love wasn't enough. We could never make each other really happy.

"I'm..." Buffy's voice broke. She made a small gesture with her hands. "Happy for you two. Excuse me..."

I watched her make a dignified exit. Her perfectly measured footsteps echoed in the hallway. My mind was in a turmoil of all sorts of emotions. In a way I wanted to run after her, to make things all right with her. On the other hand, I wanted to grab Xander and drown all my hesitations and fears in him. I didn't want to see anyone hurt, but whatever I did next, someone would be in pain.

"Angel?"

Xander's soft voice made me look up at him. "You should go and tell her... You know. Say something that'll make it easier for her."

"I don't think there's such a thing."

"Okay, maybe not, but I think that it would mean a lot to her if you try to explain this whole thing to her."

I took his hand in mine. "How can I explain this to her? I know what I feel, but..."

"We both loved her once." He squeezed my hand. "We still do, as a friend. Just tell her that we'll both care about her, no matter what."

"You sure?"

After seeing Xander nod, I rushed after Buffy. I followed her heartbeat back to the living room. When I reached the door, I froze.

She was standing by the window, looking out into the darkness. Her shoulders shook a little, but she didn't make any noise. It was like she didn't want to show her emotions even to the empty room. Or maybe she tried to convince herself that she wasn't hurt. I'd done that more times than I can remember. As long as there were no tears, I wasn't really crying.

I hovered at the door, wondering what to do. I'd already hurt her so deeply.

A small rustling sound made me sink deeper into the shadows. A dark form rose from the couch and took a few hesitant steps towards Buffy. I watched quietly as Giles walked to his Slayer and then stood there, right behind her. Not touching her, not saying a word. He was just standing there, being there. And his presence did more for her than would a thousand apologies from me.

Buffy gasped something and then I heard her start to cry.

The last thing I saw before I turned around and walked away was her leaning against the Watcher.

I returned to the bedroom. Xander was sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling a little when he saw me. I didn't say anything, I just walked to him and pulled him into my arms. We lay down, still holding onto each other, taking comfort from the touch. The sun hadn't risen yet, but I fell into a fitful slumber anyway.

---

Xander's fidgeting woke me up a couple of hours later. I tried to ignore his tossing and turning for a while, but then I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I glared at my lover, but he ignored me completely.

He was obviously concentrating on something. "Xander?"

"Shh... I'm listening."

Like I said, eavesdropping isn't all that nice, but I couldn't help tuning into the conversation, too. Willow and Oz. So, he'd been very quick with the delivery. The girl was trying to convince the wolfboy into something. I listened for a few minutes, trying to find out what it was all about.

Willow's voice was so clear, it was almost like she was standing next to me. "I know we decided to wait, but this might be our only chance. Oz, please. I really want to do this."

The boy's answer was nonverbal, and I tuned them out. I didn't think it was appropriate to listen to all the soft noises that followed the apparent kiss. I turned to Xander and saw that he was obviously not paying attention to Willow and Oz anymore. He was staring at me, a strange look on his face.

"What is it?"

He turned to get something from the nightstand. "We have a few hours before the sunset. Let's not waste it on sleeping."

My eyes widened as I saw the familiar tube. No, it definitely wasn't the hair gel. "Xander..."

"Don't. I want this."

"But..."

Xander shook his head. "I really want you." He moved a little closer to me and squirmed against me. "Do you want me?"

I couldn't help gasping as I felt his hardness. So it wasn't just desperation talking. "Yes! God, Xander, I want you!"

"Then let's do it." He pushed the tube into my hand.

"Which way do you want to do this?" I had to ask. We'd talked about control and domination the previous evening, and I wanted to make it perfectly clear that it wasn't about that.

Xander stretched. "Like I said, I think you should do it to me first, so I know what to do when I do it to you." His voice was calm when he added, "Tomorrow morning."

I looked straight at him when I uncapped the tube. There was a small flicker of fear in his eyes. "Xander? I'm more than willing to let you do this to me first. I want you."

"So take me." He smiled at his words, and I felt the tension oozing away from him. "Listen to me, I sound like a Harlequin romance heroine. Not that I know anything about... Damn, let's just do this."

It wasn't all that easy to maintain my aroused state when I was rolling on the bed, howling with laughter. When I could talk again, I grabbed Xander. "Whatever you want."

The tube was forgotten for the moment. I didn't want it to be just sex. I wanted to make love to him. Call me old fashioned, but that's the way I am. We spent a lot of time just kissing and hugging. There was no need to rush things. We had hours to do it.

Xander slid his hands up my back, helping me to remove my T-shirt. After removing his shirt too, we pulled each others' boxers off. I watched him with a small smile on my lips, and then ran my palm across his chest. "This will be great."

"I certainly hope so. What do I do next?" There was no trace of fear or hesitance in him now.

"Just let me do all the work."

"And lie here like a dead fish? No way!" Xander patted the mattress, trying to find the tube of lubricant. "What do we do with this?"

I took the tube from his hand and opened the cap. "First I'll put this in you. Then you'll put it all over me."

No further instructions were needed. Tracing small circles all over his upper body, I moved my fingers closer to his groin. Xander moaned as I found a specially sensitive spot right below his belly button, and I concentrated on that erogenous area for a moment before continuing my way down.

After thoroughly exploring his body, I turned my attention to his erection, stroking it slowly as I started to prepare him for what he'd asked for. He gasped as my finger entered him for the first time, but he didn't sound distressed. Even so, I stopped moving. "You okay?"

"I won't be if you stop to ask that every five minutes." He sounded annoyed. "I'll tell you if I want you to stop. Now shut up and concentrate on my butt."

I smiled a little as I continued probing him. I should have known he'd say something like that.

When I heard him groan again I glanced at his face, but didn't stop touching him. He had closed his eyes, and was now arching his neck, pushing his head against the pillow. Adding another finger, I didn't stop for a moment even when he began to pant. I took that as a good sign. If he was so far gone that he couldn't even remember that he didn't really have to breathe, I was definitely doing something right.

Xander moaned my name, bucking under my touch. I loved the way he acted, moving totally with abandon, enjoying himself and showing it. He didn't hold back, didn't try to control his frantic movements or the wonderful noises he made. I stilled my hand for a moment, wanting to see what he'd do. His eyes flew wide open, his pupils dilated.

"Angel..." He wailed, and began to thrust himself onto my fingers.

My god! He was incredible. I'd never had such a responsive lover. And that's not small praise, considering my age. His expression was so ecstatic, that for a moment I thought I should just push him over the edge with my touch, and then do it again when I made love to him. But since it was his first time, I thought it would be a more intense experience for him if I pulled him away from the edge now, and then pushed us both over it. Together.

Xander moaned with disappointment as I removed my fingers, but when he saw me reach for the lubricant again, he smiled. "It's about time."

Covering my erection with the slick liquid, I couldn't help panting a little as I answered him, "Yes, it is. Ready?"

"I've been ready for ages."

Rubbing his side, I leaned closer to him. "I think it would be best if you moved a little." I helped him to get into a better position, so that I could move between his legs.

"You mean we can do it like this? Will that work?"

His question made me smile. I'd have a wonderful time showing him all the things we could do in bed. "Yes. You can bet on it." After kissing the tip of his erection, I nibbled my way up his chest and finally captured his lips in a soft kiss. "This might hurt a little. Just tell me if you want me to stop."

Xander shook his head. "I won't."

"Don't say that yet. I'll try to be as careful as I can, but..."

"Angel. Just do it."

My whole being was throbbing with desire. He looked so wonderful, lying there waiting for me. I nuzzled his neck and then slowly pushed myself inside him.

He tensed instantly. "Ouch! Take it slowly!" It was obvious that he wasn't enjoying it anymore.

"Do you want me to stop?" I wasn't too far gone yet. If he really wanted me to back off, I would. It would have killed me, but I would have backed off.

"I don't know." Xander panted, squeezing my arms. "I didn't think it would be this... big."

Raising my hand to his face, I smoothed the sweaty strands of hair off his forehead. "I don't want to hurt you. We don't need to do this now."

Xander didn't say anything. He just pulled my head closer and kissed me. When I raised my head again, I saw a little smile on his face as he nodded at me. "I want it. Go on. Slowly."

Flexing my hips a little, I sunk deeper into his tightness.

I moved agonizingly slow, glad that I couldn't have a coronary. It was so hot, so perfect, I had trouble keeping calm. Every fiber of my being urged me to move faster, to bury myself inside him, but that was the last thing I could do. This wasn't just mindless sex with a one night stand. This was Xander. I kept watching my lover's face all the time, stilling instantly when he grimaced, continuing only when his facial muscles were relaxed.

When I was completely inside him, I moved my hand between our bodies. If it was indeed the only time we would do this, I needed him to really enjoy himself, not just endure it. Beginning to coax his erection back to life, I murmured to him, "I love doing this to you. I love you."

Xander gasped as my hand closed around him and began to stroke him. Soon he was hard again, thrusting into my touch. His involuntary movements almost drove me crazy, but I still stayed put.

"Angel, fu... do... take... oh, man. Move!"

"Thank you!" I gasped, and withdrew from him. Then I pushed back inside, trying to take it slowly. His groan made me freeze, but when I realized that it wasn't from pain, I let go and began to move in and out of him in a steady rhythm. Xander was moaning my name now, encouraging me to move faster.

I could do that.

Every move was bringing me closer to that agonizing peak, from which I'd plunge into sweet oblivion. My lover wrapped his legs around my back and began to rock against me, pulling me closer, deeper.

Xander clung to me like he was drowning. He was close to the edge, his face contorting to show his game face and fangs. I felt the similar change on my own face and groaned. It was so good to be able to enjoy even this moment with him. Not needing to hide, or feel embarrassed. I could be exactly who I was.

Feeling that I couldn't hold back any longer, I locked my eyes with his. "Xander…"

He stilled for a moment. "Angel. I want something... I..."

I knew what he meant, and moved a little to get my head closer to his. Once again something I was glad to give him. We'd shared it before, but then it had been out of necessity. This time we could both just let go and enjoy it. "Yes. Do it." I tilted my head to the side and then felt his teeth on my neck, piercing my skin.

That one, sweet moment of pleasure and pain mixed together seemed to stretch out for eternity. Xander's hands tightened around me and then I felt him suckle the wound he'd just made. The pressure was too much for me. Sharing everything I was with him, I screamed, feeling him spasm under me.

I slumped on top of him, feeling completely exhausted. Xander was totally limp under me. We lay like that for a long time, and then I moved off him. He made a small protesting sound, but then sighed happily as I pulled him into my arms.

"That was unbelievable."

"Yes. It was."

He raised his head to look at me, and his eyes widened. "Angel?" Xander's voice was full of anxiety. "Are you okay?"

I nodded contently. "I've never been better."

"But... Your throat!"

"What about it?" My hand flew to my neck. When I felt the sticky wound I sighed. "Oh, that. Don't worry, it's quite normal. It'll heal in a couple of hours."

He grimaced, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... My god! I...you must think that...."

"It's all right. I wanted you to do it. You didn't harm anyone by biting me. Don't worry about it." I knew what was going through his head. "You didn't feed from me. It was an intimate gesture, nothing more."

"So I didn't hurt you?"

"Hurt me? No, Xander. I loved every minute. And I know I'll love it when you take me later on today."

Mentioning the future made Xander tense. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and then asked, "Tell me the truth, Angel. Do you think we'll survive the Equinox?"

I sighed. "I honestly don't know. Thorwald is strong, and he knows a lot more about this ritual than we do. I guess we just have to do our best."

"Yeah. But will that be enough?"

There was nothing I could say to him. I just pulled him closer to me.

---

It was good that the bathroom was right next to my bedroom. That way we didn't bump into anyone when we sneaked out to have a shower. Xander didn't complain about anything, but he did walk a bit strangely. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he glowered at me.

We took turns in the shower. It wouldn't have been a good idea to get into the shower stall together this time.

After slipping back into the bedroom we got dressed. I made a mental note to buy some turtlenecks. The silk shirt didn't cover the 'hickey' Xander had given me.

He stared at the red mark. "You do know that everyone will know what we've done once they see that, don't you?"

"Yes, I do." I ran my fingers across my hair. "It won't be a big surprise. They all either know or at least suspect that we're sharing a bed."

"Oh?"

"Yep. We haven't been all that quiet about this."

Xander thought for a moment, and then I saw heat rising to his face. "My god! Oz."

"He knows. Buffy knows. I'm sure Giles and Willow know that something is going on, too. They probably won't ask, but they will speculate. This may jeopardize our mission tonight." We needed to make a decision. Should we make some big announcement now, or wait until we'd once again saved the world?

"Then maybe we should just tell them that we're madly in love and then go and kick Thorwald's ass."

I looked at him, wondering if he was joking or not. He was smiling wryly, but by the look in his eyes I could tell that he was serious. "How do we do that?"

"I'll think of something." He smirked and then padded to the hallway.

It was still over an hour to sunset, but all the others were already in the kitchen. The only person who reacted to our entrance was Giles. Oz and Willow were staring at each other, both wearing dopey grins on their faces. Buffy was making herself a sandwich. Her back stiffened as she sensed us, but she didn't turn to say hello. I hadn't really expected her to.

Xander gestured with his hand and I sat at the table. I was feeling very awkward. A very irritating feeling. After all, it was my home, my kitchen. I had the right to march there with the man I loved.

"Angel?"

I was startled by the sound of Willow's voice. "What?"

"Oz took the bags to the library, and he didn't see any vampires there."

"That's good."

"So, we were wondering if we should go to the school about half an hour before the sun sets. To make all the preparations." Her voice indicated that they had already made up their mind. "You and Xander can follow us as soon as you can leave the house."

Actually that was a very good idea. "Sure. Go ahead." That way there wouldn't be an ambush waiting for them.

She glanced at the Watcher, who shook his head slightly.

I was getting tired of that. Those two were trying to find a hidden meaning in everything I said. Now they were probably thinking that if it had been Xander who had suggested that the mortals go to the school earlier, I would have objected just out of the principle. Squinting my eyes a little, I adjusted my collar.

Giles' gaze moved to my neck. He blinked a couple of times and then turned to stare at Xander.

My lover was fussing with the microwave, ignoring us all. His body was tense, though, and I wondered what he was up to. I wasn't all that worried about it. I had faith in him.

The mortals all munched their breakfast. No one said a word. Buffy had finished making her sandwich, and she was now sitting next to Giles, taking small bites from her food, keeping her gaze glued to the tabletop. I waited for Xander to finish whatever he was doing, hoping that he'd get on with it. If the silence continued much longer, I'd start to scream.

"Angel? Are you hungry?"

We all turned to look at Xander.

When I saw what he was holding, I smiled. He'd dug my biggest porcelain bowl out of the cupboard and had filled it with blood. Now he was offering it to me. "Come to think of it, I am a bit hungry. Would you mind sharing your... meal with me?"

He raised the bowl. "Not at all. Take it."

I grasped the bowl and brought it slowly to my lips. Keeping my eyes on his, I took a sip, careful not to spill any of the thick liquid. After eating my fill, I handed the bowl back. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Xander smiled at me and then drank the rest of the blood. The room was so quiet, we could clearly hear him swallow. When he'd finished eating, he put the bowl in the sink and then came to sit next to me. "I made dinner, you clean the mess."

Since he was clearly trying to make a point, I just glowered at him and climbed to my feet. I muttered softly under my breath, so that no one else but Xander would hear, "What next? You gonna order me to vacuum the living room?"

The answer was also spoken softly, "That's a very good idea."

I didn't even bother to answer that. Grabbing the brush, I began to scrub the bowl clean. I could almost feel the mortals eyes at my back. What? Hadn't they ever seen a vampire wash dishes before? Oh, obviously not.

"What are you doing?"

Glancing at Giles, I put the bowl up to dry. "Washing dishes."

"Very funny."

I thought so, too. "Xander made the dinner, I wash the dishes. I think that's fair."

The Watcher looked confused. "Yes, I'd say it's fair, but... I thought... It's not really any of my concern, but..."

"Giles, stop worrying." Xander was smiling at the Brit. "It's really touching how you all want to protect me, but it's completely unnecessary. This is consensual."

If he'd thought that would ease the tension, he was dead wrong. All the mortals turned to stare at me. I groaned. "Would you all just please stop doing that? I'm not a monster who's pushing around an innocent kid. I love him."

"What?" Willow yelped. Giles just continued staring at me.

"Don't call me a kid!" Xander glared at me. "If you do, I'll start to call you 'old man'."

I faked a horrified look and shook my head. "I won't. I promise."

"Good."

Giles interrupted our bantering. "You mean that you two are having an affair?" He seemed to realize how that sounded the minute he'd said it and then he was blushing. "I... I mean..."

"Yes, Giles. We're… um, together. I'm sorry if that upsets you somehow, but that's the way things are." Xander's voice was firm. "We didn't want to talk about this before we took care of Thorwald, but since you all acted like Angel was doing something wrong, I thought you should be told now."

The Watcher looked at my lover for a moment. Then his eyes flickered to the right. I followed his gaze and felt a lump in my throat. Buffy was trying very hard to act like everything was all right, but we could both see that she was having a hard time keeping her expression neutral. Giles sighed and then cleared his throat. "Well, now that this is settled, I think it's time we got going."

Buffy was the first to leave the kitchen. The other mortals followed her.

Before stepping into the hallway, Willow glared at me. "You're older and stronger than me, and I know that you can snap my neck in two in a second, but if you hurt Xander, I'll kill you." She paused for a moment and then added. "I'm not saying that I think you'll hurt him, and I'm definitely not jealous, but..."

I smiled at her. "Don't worry, Willow. Xander is perfectly safe with me."

"Good." She grinned at her friend and then hurried after the others.

Xander walked to stand behind me. "That wasn't all that bad, was it?"

"Oh yes it was. But at least now we don't have to hide it anymore." And hopefully I wouldn't have to suffer any more glares.

---

Our friends didn't get all that much of a head start. The sun set about ten minutes after they'd left and Xander and I hurried after them. We didn't say anything while we were running towards the school. It was time to concentrate on our job. If we'd spent one more minute talking about anything personal, I would have lost my nerve. Running away sounded a hell of a lot better than running towards danger.

I stopped at the front door. "We'd better split up. I'll go in here, you go to the back and climb in the library window."

Xander squinted his eyes and then nodded. "All right." He seemed to understand the strategic value of splitting up, too.

Thank god he didn't argue with me. I didn't want to let him out of my sight, but we both knew that this way we'd stand a better chance at beating Thorwald.

He took a step away from me and stopped. "Angel..."

"Go."

He didn't turn to look at me, he just disappeared into the shadows. I hoped it wasn't the last time I saw him. That wasn't really an encouraging thought, and I pushed it from my mind.

I saw the others almost as soon as I entered the building. They were fighting against a few vampires. It seemed there had been a welcoming party after all. I saw an unconscious young woman lying close to the wall and pulled her farther from the fight. She was obviously the innocent one Thorwald was going to sacrifice. Carrying her into a classroom, I made sure that she would be safe. She'd probably be shocked to wake up in the school the next day, though.

When I hurried back to my friends, I saw that the little fight was already over. "Did you manage to slay Thorwald?"

"No." Buffy shook her head. "Where's Xander."

I was glad she was able to keep her emotions out of her work. "He went straight to the library. Through the window."

"Good. Let's join him."

Nodding, I followed the mortals down the hallway.

Oz was carrying the bag that was almost filled with stakes and bottles of holy water. We'd decided that our emergency bag wouldn't have any crosses in it, so Xander and I could use it too. The bottles had been filled so carefully, none of the lethal liquid had spilled. We could safely touch the bottles. They were almost like Molotov cocktails, except that we didn't have to set them on fire before throwing them.

We ran into another group of vampires and this time there were no unconscious innocents to distract us.

Buffy shot one vampire with the crossbow and then hit another one in the face with it. Discarding the weapon, she pulled a stake out of her pocket and drove it through the vampire, who was squirming on the ground, holding her broken nose. I was busy wrestling two screeching enemies, and couldn't really pay attention to what the others were doing.

I was able to impale one of the vampires, but the other one was a bit harder to kill. He was pinning me against the floor when he suddenly turned into a pile of dust. Looking up, I saw Giles standing next to me.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it." He handed me a stake and turned to see if he could help the others.

Buffy killed the last vampire and then stood there panting. She looked around her, frowning. "Something's wrong. They were going in the wrong direction. The library's that way."

I concentrated on listening for footsteps. "You're right. I hear something coming from down there." I gestured with my hand.

The others turned to see where I was pointing at. Willow groaned. "Oh, no!"

I'd been at the school so many times, I knew immediately where we should go. Knowing Thorwald as I did, I had also a pretty good idea why.

We'd made a big mistake not counting on Thorwald's theatrical nature. The library was quite clearly too small for an audience, and he'd decided to have the ritual somewhere where all his admirers could watch him take over the world of darkness.

The vampires were all heading towards the gym.

"Let's go!" Buffy yelled and began to hurry down the hall.

We didn't have time to get our weapons from the library. Thank god we had brought that last bag of stakes with us. I hoped Xander would realize soon that the ritual wouldn't be held there and he'd come to look for us with some of the arsenal.

Oz had opened the bag, so that if we spotted any danger, he could grab a bottle of holy water in a matter of seconds. He didn't have the chance to use any of them, though. We turned another corner and then promptly ran into Thorwald and over twenty of his followers. When the other vampires noticed us, they came charging at us.

"Don't kill them!" The Scandinavian yelled.

His followers obeyed him. We didn't. Soon half of the attacking vampires had been turned into dust. Most of them were very young and very inexperienced, so fighting against them wasn't all that hard. The rest of the vampires were quite different, though. We fought well, but considering the fact that we were outnumbered, the outcome of the fight was fairly predictable.

We might have won if more of Thorwald's followers hadn't showed up. Now we didn't have a chance.

Two of the vampires pinned me against the wall. I tried to get them off me, but then three more came to keep me down. Thorwald had been standing behind four of his followers, who had been acting as his bodyguards, but now he approached me. He'd obviously recognized me.

"Angelus O'Reilly."

I looked him straight in the eyes. "Not anymore."

"I'd heard you'd lost your mind." He snarled at me.

"Wrong. I just got my soul back."

"That's even worse. Fool! Did you really think your little scheme would work? That you and a few mortals could stop me?" Thorwald didn't wait for an answer. "I won't kill you now. I'll wait until you've had the chance to see me as the ruler of the world."

I just smiled at him, not saying a word. There was nothing to say anyway.

He waved his hand at his followers. "Tie him up and bring him with you."

I didn't bother to fight when my hands were yanked behind my back and then tied together. Struggling would just have worsened the situation. Fighting against five vampires, when two of them were keeping me still, would have been stupid, not heroic. It was better to act like I wasn't all that big a threat and then make my move when least expected.

The vampires who had caught me held me against the wall as my friends were captured one by one. It took almost a dozen of the young ones to capture Buffy and Oz. Thorwald's eyes gleamed as he saw the Slayer. "Perfect. Just perfect."

She didn't bother to say anything either.

There were still sounds of fighting, and I turned my head to see what was going on. Willow was struggling against the vampire who was holding her, trying to squirm off his grip. She smacked him in the face and when he instinctively flinched away from her, she drove a stake through his heart.

"Run Willow!" Buffy's voice rang in the corridor.

Willow didn't waste time in arguing. She turned around and scurried towards the library.

Thorwald glared at one of the vampires that was standing next to him. "Go get that girl!"

The young vampire nodded enthusiastically and then ran after the fleeing girl. When his master called after him, reminding him not to kill his prey, he didn't show in any way that he'd heard it. If he was anything like the one who had killed Xander, Willow was in trouble. A hungry young vampire didn't really pay attention to anything except but the scent of a living being.

I saw that he was gaining on Willow. Oz fought against the three vampires that held him on the ground, screaming her name, telling her to run faster. Feeling nauseous, I struggled against my captors, too. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. No mortal was supposed to be hurt. Now it seemed that there was nothing anyone could do for Willow. She wouldn't reach the library in time.

Willow and the vampire disappeared around the corner. She was just a few meters ahead of him. There was a moment of complete silence and then we heard a shrill scream.

"No!" Oz howled like he was still in his lupine form. "Willow!"

There were no sounds coming from where she'd disappeared. Not even the sounds of the young vampire feeding on her. I was grateful for that. My eyes were brimming and I felt a tear falling down my cheek. Willow had been Xander's oldest friend and she'd saved my soul. I swore that if I got the chance, I'd kill the bastard who'd just slaughtered her.

Heavy footsteps approached us. Grinding my teeth together, I turned my gaze to meet the murdering bastard.

My eyes widened as I saw Xander usher Willow towards us. He was wearing his game face and he had blood on his chin. He ignored us, and shoved the girl on the floor in front of Thorwald.

The Scandinavian smiled at him. "Well done." He obviously thought he was one of his 'groupies'.

"Anything for you, my lord." Xander rasped. "I live to serve you."

My lover's words made me roll my eyes, but Thorwald seemed to buy the 'brainless fan' -routine. He patted Xander's shoulder and then motioned him to bring Willow with him as he headed towards the gym. The young man didn't even look at me when he grabbed his friend's arm and began to pull her after the Scandinavian. I was glad he could keep his head clear.

We were all guided to the gym and then the vampires began to prepare the room for the ritual. It seemed Thorwald had really thought of everything. His followers had three buckets of red paint and over half a dozen paintbrushes. It didn't take long for them to paint a huge triangle on the gym floor.

My friends and I were pushed to stand next to the symbol. The Scandinavian was smiling at his childer. "Well done. You have served me faithfully and now you shall be rewarded." He waved his hand and one of his 'bodyguards' handed him a bag.

The old vampire pulled the cup out of the bag and put it to the floor, on top of the red paint. He walked to the center of the triangle and reached under his coat.

I squinted my eyes as I saw the object he was holding. The Tear of Odin. It was blood red and I could almost feel the evil emanating from it. Thorwald laid it down and then moved away from it. "Bring me the sacrifice!"

"Excuse me, my lord. Which one?"

The young vampire cringed as his sire glowered at him and then pointed at Buffy. "That one. The Slayer."

"Right away, my lord." The youngster hurried towards Buffy. Everyone's eyes were focused on him.

It was a perfect moment for a certain young vampire who had a soul to make his move. There was a blur of motion, and then a scream cut the silence. I craned my neck to see Xander drive a stake through another vampire who collapsed to make a big pile of dust right next to the one my lover had killed a second ago. Willow was already hurrying towards the bag that one of the vampires had foolishly brought with him.

Soon bottles of holy water were flying across the floor, landing all over the vampires. Most of them squirmed on the floor in agony. Most of those who didn't get hit by anything lethal turned around and ran away. So much for loyalty towards Thorwald.

Xander's face was back to normal when he appeared by my side, a knife in his hand. He cut the rope that bound my hands together. "Are you okay?"

I nodded at him. "Yeah. Good work."

We rushed to slay the few remaining vampires who tried to attack Giles, who was still bound. As soon as the Watcher was free, we turned to Oz, just in time to see Willow cut his bonds. The two of them kissed briefly and then moved to stand back to back as the most desperate followers of Thorwald tried to make a last attempt to kill them.

They never had a chance. Soon the gym was almost free of vampires. The last of the young ones who had attacked us wailed, as she turned into dust. Her voice died, but another scream cut the air. I turned around to see the Scandinavian grab Buffy.

He smiled at us. "One move, and the Slayer dies."

"Kill him!" Buffy panted. "Don't let him make the sacrifice."

"Shut up." Thorwald slapped her and then grabbed her by the arm. He dragged her to the drawing on the floor and bent down to pick up something. A small knife. Then he shoved her toward the Tear.

I moved closer to them, noticing that the others did the same. He squinted his eyes and kicked the tear closer to the cup. Obviously he wasn't going to risk letting Buffy go so he could perform the ritual properly. The crystal hit the bowl, making a small sound. I hoped it would crash into a million pieces, but of course the Tear was far stronger than that.

Thorwald moved his captive to stand above the cup and then he raised the knife.

Buffy muffled a scream when the small blade cut her arm. A trickle of blood ran down, straight into the cup as the knife fell on the floor. The Scandinavian grabbed the Tear with his free hand and dropped it inside the cup. Then he yelled something in a language I didn't recognize.

"You're too late, Slayer! Now I'll rule all the creatures of darkness!"

"The hell you will," Buffy spat. She twisted around, trying to see if there was anything she could use as a weapon. Thorwald just laughed at her, keeping his eyes on the Tear.

Seeing that the Scandinavian wasn't paying attention to her, Buffy tore her arm from Thorwald's grip. "The party's over." She kicked the vampire, who was trying to catch her again. He landed on the floor a few feet from Oz, and the wolfboy raised the stake he'd been holding. Thorwald tried to fend off the blow, but he didn't have a chance. He cried out when that sharp piece of wood hit his chest and then collapsed on the floor, leaving just a pile of dust behind.

For a fraction of a second I thought we were safe. We'd managed to get rid of all the bad guys and we were all alive. What more could we have done?

Well, we could have stopped Thorwald about a minute before we had. There was a loud noise, like a thunderbolt, and the light seemed to dim. Something was definitely happening. Then the cup seemed to melt, the slimy substance it had become oozing off the Tear. The crystal was glowing with a sick red light and there was the feeling of doom in the air.

"We have to destroy the Tear or everything will go straight to hell!" I waved my hand to get everyone's attention. "It's time to test that theory about love!"

The ceremony had almost been completed and now we couldn't back off.

Buffy fell on the floor, the loss of blood obviously making her dizzy. Willow and Oz hurried to the place Thorwald had been standing in the beginning of the ritual, holding onto each other. When they reached the point, a bright light flashed from them to the Tear. Thank god, it was over!

I rejoiced too soon. The angry red turned to pink, but then the Tear glowed red again. Nothing else happened.

"We need to do more!" Giles' voice rang in the gym. "'A love in the light, a love in the darkness, a love to save the world.' It was a three-way prophecy."

Xander grabbed my hand. "They're the love in light, they have to be. I don't think Willow even has a dark side and Oz isn't actually all that bad. We live in eternal darkness. Do you think..."

Of course. "I love you. Let's do it."

We rushed to the other point of the triangle. The others stared at the two of us, but I didn't care. I felt Xander's hands around me and held him tight. Somehow it felt appropriate to kiss him. Nothing big, just a soft, gentle touch of my lips on his. A strange tingling went through my body and then another bright light hit the Tear.

But it still wasn't enough.

Buffy was crawling towards the third point, shouting from the top of her lungs, "I'm the Slayer and I give my whole life to the battle against the darkness! I do it for the world! I've even died once to save everything from evil! That has to count for something."

A faint tendril of light flashed from her towards the center of the triangle, but it wasn't strong enough to reach it. She groaned and fell back on the floor. "No!"

The walls were shaking and a foul stench was starting to fill the room. It was the smell of death and decay. I'd never been so afraid, so certain that there was no way out. If Buffy's dedication to save the world wasn't enough to fulfill the prophesies, nothing would. All other conditions were met. Thorwald had managed to soak the Tear in the blood of the innocent one, so baring a miracle, we were all doomed.

The tingling feeling ended and the beams of light that had connected Oz and Willow and Xander and me to the Tear disappeared.

I laid my head on Xander's shoulder. "It's over. God, I don't want to lose you!"

"I love you, Angel."

"Xander..." I wasn't even ashamed of the tears that ran down my cheeks, soaking his shirt. "I've never loved anyone like I love you."

We held onto each other, waiting for everything to end. I was terrified of what would happen when it was all over. I didn't want to live in a world where demons ran free and ruled, but I didn't want to go to hell either. I wanted to continue being with Xander. Our time together had been far too short. I'd longed for a person I could love forever, and now that I'd finally found him, I was losing him and my life. I'd always known that life wasn't fair, but this was too much.

I swayed a little. Xander's hand rubbed my back and then rose to my face to wipe off the tears from my cheek. Feeling his hand tremble, I looked into his eyes to see the fear there and I realized that I wasn't the only one who was scared. I swallowed hard and forced a small smile to my lips. He answered it a bit shakily.

If this was indeed the end, we'd face it together.

The floor was cracking up and it was hard to remain standing. Wooden boards were flying all around us, small pieces of the ceiling falling down. I sighed, realizing that it was highly unlikely any of us would survive to see the reign of the demons. If Sunnydale High continued shaking, we'd all be buried in the debris as the building collapsed. Even Xander and I wouldn't survive it. If we didn't die from a flying board, the sunlight would finish us when the rescuers came to search the ruins.

Hearing a scream, I turned to see what was happening. "Oh, my god!"

A chasm had opened right next to where Buffy was lying and some invisible force was pulling her to it. She tried to claw at the wooden floor, but couldn't hold on to anything. Her struggling just seemed to make things worse.

All the dark forces that resided on the Hellmouth were drawn to the Slayer, recognizing her as a threat that had to be dispelled before the demons could truly run free in the world.

The place where Thorwald had died began to glow. He had turned into dust, but now the outlines of his body were visible. He was coming back and he wasn't alone. All the other vampires we'd slain were obviously following their master, tiny sparks of red light appearing all around us. That made me cold all over. What if the Tear could bring back all the demons that had ever walked the earth? The thought of the Master returning, to be ruled by an idiot like Thorwald, was about the worst I'd ever had.

Maybe it really was best to die there, before hell came to earth.

Buffy twisted around, trying to grasp something that could keep her from falling into that abyss. Her feet were already dangling over the edge and soon just the weight of her body would make her disappear into the void.

"No!"

I'd never heard such a sound come from the mild mannered Watcher. Giles ran to help his Slayer, obviously not caring that he would be drawn into the emptiness too. He had spent his whole life preparing himself to help, guide and protect the Slayer, and he wasn't going to let her die right in front of his eyes without at least trying to save her.

"Giles, don't!" Buffy yelled, her voice hoarse. "Save yourself."

The librarian didn't even slow down. He dodged a sharp piece of wood that almost impaled him and then dove to grasp Buffy's hand the moment she was pulled over the edge.

Oz and Willow jerked as the white beam of light connected them to the Tear again. Then I shook as the tingling feeling returned. This time it was a thousand times more intense than it had been earlier. Another beam of light hit the crystal.

Everything was quiet for a moment and then a third light shone in the room, going from Giles and Buffy's joined hands straight to the Tear of Odin. The faint outlines of the Scandinavian disappeared with an anguished wail that seemed to carry all the disappointment in the world.

The flash of light was so bright I thought I'd go blind. I screamed, feeling the violent storm rage all over me. All over us. I couldn't see it, but somehow I could feel the Tear exploding, the shards of it burning in the air before they could hit us. The prophesies had been right. It had been one of the most powerful crystals in the world, and the forces that were now freed were unimaginable. For a fraction of a second I knew everything and when the knowledge disappeared, I screamed again with the feeling of loss.

The silence was deafening. I opened my eyes to see that the gym was back the way it had been when we'd got there. There was no trace of the red paint on the floor. We were all lying on the floor, huddled against each other.

Oz and Willow were holding each other, mumbling endearments between kisses. That seemed to be an excellent idea, and I pulled Xander's head closer to mine, touching his lips with mine. He kissed me back and locked his hands together behind my neck.

"We're alive!" my lover exclaimed, and then shook with laughter as he realized that his words weren't exactly true. "Or actually we're not. But we're still here!"

His words made me laugh, too. Oh, god! We were definitely still on earth, and I'd have years, maybe even centuries to spend with Xander. I kissed him again, shaking with joy. He was shaking too, but it didn't matter. Everything was all right now.

Xander looked me straight in the eyes, smiling. "I told you I could pass as Thorwald's fan."

"You were wonderful!" I covered his lips with mine, muffling any other smug comments.

When I realized that if I didn't stop kissing him immediately, we wouldn't be able to get up for at least an hour, I climbed to my feet and then helped him up. "We'll continue this as soon as we get home."

He smiled at me and then we turned to see how our friends were doing.

The hairball and his witch were still glued to each other. Buffy and Giles were sitting on the floor, still holding hands. I stepped closer to them, and they looked up at me, smiling. When I reached out my hand, Buffy grabbed it and when she was up, she helped Giles to his feet.

The Watcher sighed. "Thank god, it's over."

"How did we win?" Xander sounded totally baffled. "I thought we didn't have enough love."

"I didn't. We did." Buffy smiled at her Watcher. "That's it, isn't it? The Watcher and the Slayer both dedicate their lives to save the world from darkness and it's done for love."

The flicker of doubt passed over Giles' face so quickly I was half certain that I'd imagined it. "Yes. Alone we are incomplete. If we work together, no forces of darkness can hold against us."

"I couldn't have said it better myself!"

Buffy's words made us all smile. She chuckled with the rest of us for a moment, but then she sobered up. "Angel? What about you two?"

"Love in the darkness." Seeing Xander's smile, I added, "Or in relative darkness, anyway."

She cocked her head. "You really love each other."

It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway. "Yes. There's no doubt about it." Seeing Xander's questioning look I added, "Like the prophecy said, love in the darkness. Not 'caring', or 'desire'. Love."

He looked a little flustered, but then he just patted my shoulder. "You're such a romantic, Angel."

"You bet I am."

Giles cleared out his throat. "I think we should get out of here, before anyone comes to investigate. I don't know if the earthquake was felt outside the school, but it's better to be safe than sorry."

"Sure." Buffy looked at Oz and Willow, who had finally gotten up from the floor. "How about if we all go home, and then meet at the library tomorrow evening. I'm too exhausted to talk about this thing tonight."

That was a very good idea. We needed to talk about everything that had happened, but it was best to have some time to collect our thoughts. Not to mention some privacy with my lover. My love.

Oz untangled his right hand from Willow's, and held it out. Xander looked at the offered hand and then shook it. The wolfboy smiled a little. "This can't wait until tomorrow. Thank you. For saving her." He hugged Willow with his left hand. She snuggled against his side and nodded at Xander.

"You don't have to thank me, man. She's the best friend I've ever had." My lover let go of Oz's hand and ruffled Willow's hair. She squealed. "Take good care of her."

Oz blushed a little. "I will."

One last look around the gym, and then we walked out of there. None of us wanted to stay there a minute longer. Giles glanced at the library as we passed it, but then he shook his head. Apparently even he was sick of the school.

The Watcher cleared his throat, as we were at the front door. "Do you want company?" His question was clearly aimed at Buffy. Oz and Willow were so deep in their own little world, they didn't even hear his words.

"Yeah. You can walk me home." Buffy glanced at me. "But I need to talk to Angel first. Would you mind waiting for me outside?"

"Not at all."

The others left us standing in the hallway. Xander looked at me when he stepped outside and I saw him smile a little. I was glad he didn't have a problem with what was going on. The last thing I needed that night was a jealous boyfriend. Trust was a good sign of a healthy relationship.

Relationship. Damn, I wondered if I'd stop gloating at that word after a few decades. Probably not.

"What are you smiling at?"

Buffy's words startled me so I blurted out, "Xander. I can't believe we're finally together." Realizing what I had just said, I touched her shoulder. "I didn't say that to hurt you."

"I know you didn't. That's just what I wanted to talk with you about." She was quiet for a moment. "I really meant what I said to you yesterday. I'm happy for you. I'm happy you have someone to love, someone who will live a lot longer than a Slayer."

"Buffy..."

She shook her head, smiling. "I didn't say that to hurt you, Angel. I just stated a fact. It's good to know that whatever happens to me, you don't have to be alone."

"Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear you say that."

"Angel..." Buffy shook her head again. "You and Xander. Well, stranger things have happened."

We stared at each other and stared to chuckle. She had a wistful look in her eyes, but I was glad there was no trace of that emptiness in her gaze anymore. I didn't say anything, but I wished she could find someone, too. She deserved some happiness.

Buffy nodded at Xander, who was standing by the stairs, and walked to Giles. He waved at us before they started towards his Slayer's home. We watched the two of them disappear behind the trees.

Xander sighed. "What did she say?"

"She wished us luck." I smiled at his startled look. "I think that thing with the Tear assured all our friends that we're not just fooling around."

"Good. I really don't want to see her suffer because of this."

He looked like he had something more to say, but I let him think it over in peace. I had all the time in the world.

Xander touched the railing and stared at the distance, obviously taking a little stroll down memory lane. "This is the place I first saw Buffy. She was so mysterious that I kind of... followed her around for a couple of hours. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have heard of vampires or the Slayer or anything. I was just thinking about that day, and you know what? I don't regret it at all."

"Wouldn't you rather live a normal life?"

"Define normal." He smiled a little. "No. Burying my head in the sand wouldn't change the fact that vampires really do exist. You and I may be special, but there are a lot of soulless monsters out there lurking in the shadows. This way I can do something about it."

"Do you regret becoming a vampire?"

"Do you?"

That was about the hardest question he could ask. Nevermind the fact that I'd brought it up in the first place. When I'd been given the chance to become a vampire, I had taken it without hesitation. The only thing I had thought of had been the chance to live forever. What a fool I'd been. I regretted all those years I'd been one of those soulless monsters Xander had talked about, but now I had the chance to make amends for that, and even had a chance for real happiness. "Yes and no."

"Same here. I'd like to be able to walk in the sun, but if I was still mortal, I don't think we'd be together."

"Maybe not. Or maybe I would have gathered my courage and swept you off your feet some moonlit night."

Xander smiled an impish little smile. "Swept me off my feet? You really are a romantic."

I pulled him into an embrace and then swirled him around. I was feeling a bit giddy now that we weren't in danger anymore. "Very romantic. We'll spend the rest of our existence cuddling, walking in the cemetery hand in hand, and every time there's a full moon, we'll go to the lake to watch Oz howl at the moon."

"Angel!" he squealed, trying to act offended. "We'll have to work on your sense of humor."

"Whatever you want." I kissed him. "We'll have all the time in the world to do that."

"Sounds good."

"Now what? Do you want to stand here and think about the past, or do you want to go home? I seem to remember something you promised to do to me."

Xander grinned, taking my hand. "Yeah. Let's go home."

---

The End

June 1999 (revised April 2000)