Title: Sunset Dreams
Author: Rimau
Email address: rimaufic@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R
Fandom: Batman and Robin
Pairing: Bruce/Dick, Batman/Robin
Date: October 28, 1998 (completely revised and partly re-written April 2000)
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue!
Summary: Bruce's life gets complicated after dreaming of his partner.
Author's webpage: http://www.rimau.aeglos.org/
First of all, this story is based on the four movies. Not the comic books, not the old series. I do use some towns from 'Superman' but that's only because I really didn't have the energy to invent any new places.
Second, I did write about Clooney (we're born on the same date and all...) but as always, you can use your own imagination.
Third point (the usual) is this. Don't own the characters. Don't own the place. Sure as hell wish I owned George Clooney, but we can't have everything now can we...
I'd like to dedicate this story to my two best friends, M'a who once said that she could never really enjoy reading Batman/Robin slash, because her parents had forced her to watch the old series when she was just a kid and she still has nightmares about it... And to my beloved alpha-reader Riikka.
Sunset Dreams by: Rimau
I don't know how long I just stood there, staring out of the window.
The house was quiet, empty. I had given Alfred a week off. His brother was visiting the States from India, and he and Barbara had gone to the coast to spend some time with him. It was perfect time for a vacation. Alfred was still a bit weak from his illness. He and Barbara really needed some time off together. As a family. I know Alfred would have been somewhat disappointed if he had heard me say that. I can imagine it now. Him shaking his head, sighing and calmly saying, "Master Bruce, I already am with my family." Yes, I know that and the feeling is more than mutual, but still... I guess I was concerned about Barbara. Her uncles are the only real family she has left.
Someday she might think of Dick and me as her surrogate family, but I don't think that time has come yet.
Dick wasn't home either. I wasn't sure where he was. He had just grinned and said that he'd leave the whole house for me tonight. After all, it was a 'special evening'. I appreciated the thought. Not the leer, though.
I sighed. It had been a special evening indeed. It just hadn't turned out the way I had planned. What I had planned, was a romantic evening with Julie. Dinner, flowers, candlelight, perhaps some dancing. Then I was going to tell her. And if she had understood, I would have asked her to marry me. We'd been dating for over a year and I thought I was ready for it. Julie really was a wonderful woman, funny, intelligent, beautiful. She would have been a perfect wife for billionaire Bruce Wayne. I knew that.
But the other me...
In the end I couldn't tell her. I had carefully planned everything. What to say, what to show and then explain. Then I just couldn't do it. Couldn't put her through it. Or perhaps that secret part of me just couldn't trust her enough. I really don't know.
Julie had sensed that something was wrong and asked if there was a future for our relationship.
She hadn't looked very surprised when I said no. She had just smiled sadly, kissed me and walked out the door. Out of my life.
Somehow I wasn't even sad, only wistful. I was sorry I'd hurt her. Maybe I had known all along inside that it wouldn't work. It never had before. I had loved and been loved before. It just never lasted for long.
Vicki had been the first woman who ever found out about the Bat. But after the Joker had died, she just couldn't handle the situation. Or maybe it was me she couldn't handle. Or understand.
Chase had understood a little, but as a psychiatrist, she was always a little uncomfortable with the Bat. Sure, at first she had thought of it as a major turn on. But as weeks went by and she really realized that there wouldn't be, couldn't be Bruce without the Bat, our relationship had reached its end.
The only woman who had really understood was gone. Selina had known how it felt to be driven by this need. She had been driven too. But in the end she had let go of the woman and there had been only the Cat left.
That thought always made me shudder. I don't think I could ever leave Bruce Wayne behind, but then again, I was never facing my problems alone. I'd always had Alfred watching over me. And now there was Dick too, as my sometimes irritating young friend and as Robin, the partner I trusted with my life.
My lifelines to sanity. Maybe some day I would trust Barbara that way too.
The thought of trust almost made me smile. In this house trust was more important than anything. I had always trusted in myself. And Alfred. That trust was infinite. I'd never thought I could really trust anyone else that way. But over the past few years I had become to trust someone very different from me with my body and soul. It was strange actually. Perhaps it was because he trusted in me. Or just maybe, deep inside, Dick and I were more similar than I had thought.
But even though I had those two to lean on, I still missed that special someone. Don't we all? Someone to hold in my arms in the darkness. Sometimes I wondered if being lonely came with being driven by the Bat. How could anyone who wasn't driven by some need ever really understand me? And love me?
I was so lost in thoughts that I heard the sound of the engine only when the vehicle was in the front yard. I looked down and saw a motorcycle heading to the garage. I was relieved it was Dick. For just a second I had feared that Julie had returned. Maybe she hadn't been the love of my life, but all this soul searching had made me feel vulnerable and I wouldn't have been able to face her again this soon.
I didn't move. I wasn't tired and I didn't want to spend hours tossing and turning in bed. I thought I'd just stand there, quietly looking out at the darkness, thinking gloomy thoughts.
I heard Dick coming up the stairs, but didn’t bother to turn around. The sound of his footsteps indicated that he’d walked to the door and then stopped there.
"Bruce? Are you all right?"
I nodded.
"I didn't see Julie's car and I thought you two had gone somewhere. But then I saw the light and..." Dick stammered.
Turning slowly to face him, I thought I had my expression under control. Judging by his shocked look I hadn't done very good job with it. I cleared my throat, the platitude escaping before I could stop it. "I'm fine. Just a bit tired."
He looked suspicious and suddenly I was tired of acting like I was made of stone. A man of control. Well, the control was slipping now. "No, actually I'm not fine. I broke up with Julie and right now I'm feeling miserable. I'm not really in the mood to talk about it, so I’d appreciate it if we dropped the subject."
Damn. My voice broke and I couldn't continue. I turned my back on him again, even though he had probably seen the tears shining in my eyes. Now they were rolling down my cheeks. I wished he would leave me alone before I completely lost it.
The carpet rustled as Dick crossed the room and then I felt his hand on my shoulder. I didn't move when he said quietly, "I'm sorry. Just remember that I'll be here for you if you ever do want to talk about it." He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze and then left the room.
I took a few deep breaths and wiped my face with a handkerchief. Somehow I wanted to go after Dick and tell him the real reason for my melancholic mood. That it wasn't just about Julie, but feeling lonely.
That thought made me flinch. I have never wanted to talk to anyone about my feelings. And now I wanted to bare my soul to a 21 year old boy? Funny, that thought didn't make me feel as idiotic as I had imagined. Maybe it's that he didn't seem that young. Well, sometimes he did behave... immaturely, but he most definitely wasn't a kid anymore.
I grinned. Somehow I'd never thought of Dick as a man before. Well, he was of age, he could vote, get married...
That thought wiped the grin off my face. Oh my, I hadn't thought of that before. I didn't think he was seeing anyone seriously, but someday it was bound to happen. And what if he wanted a 'normal' family life then? A house, a car, a steady job from nine to five and 2.4 children with his wife? That would leave me...
Now I did feel like an idiot. A selfish idiot, that is. There I was, whining about love lost and loneliness and then I got jealous over his happiness with an imaginary woman.
But I had to be honest with myself. I could handle Julie leaving, but Dick... I really needed him by my side.
I frowned. Didn't I mean Robin? That Batman had gotten used to seeing his partner by his side? Yes. That sounded right, but it wasn't enough somehow. I needed Dick too. He's a good friend and somehow his exuberance kept me...young. Balanced, so that I never forgot how to smile. He's intelligent and a very keen observer. And most important, I could be myself when I was with him.
That brought back the grin. Yeah, and if only he was a few years older and maybe a female...
Wait a minute! This was Dick Grayson I was thinking about. My former ward, my friend, my partner. To say that I was confused would have been the understatement of the century.
I sat down and poured myself a glass of wine. I didn't drink it though. For a long time I just sat there, watching the pale liquid and trying to collect my thoughts, but I felt like my head was full of cotton. I finally decided there was no way to make any sense of anything when I was in this state of mind, and after the eighth yawn I decided it was time to go to bed.
I fell asleep almost immediately, but after only a couple of hours, I woke up in cold sweat. A nightmare. But not the usual one. I was IN the alley behind the theatre, but this time my parents weren't there. I was all alone. And I was dressed in the Batsuit. I saw someone in the end of the alley and heard Dick's voice calling for help. I started running, but like in so many nightmares before, I didn't get anywhere. I ran and ran, knowing what would inevitably happen.
And when I heard the gunshots, I woke up.
After that I couldn't sleep anymore -- never could after a nightmare. That one thing remained the same, even though this nightmare was different in other aspects. I had always dreamed about things past, feeling guilt and regret. There had never been dreams of something that might happen in the future. To someone who still is alive.
And I was... terrified. Anxious. Relieved. It had been just a dream.
Just a dream.
I can go without any sleep for a couple of days, so my restless night didn't show next morning when I stepped into my office in the Wayne Building.
"Good morning, Mr. Wayne."
I nodded at my secretary, Margaret, who was holding out a stack of papers for me. The mere thought of paperwork made me groan mentally. It seemed it was going to be a long day.
Sitting behind my desk, I began to browse trough my mail. Margaret brought me a cup of coffee and gave me my messages.
"...up two per cent. And finally, Alan Blake wants to know if Miss Madison will be your date at the Charity Ball this Friday," she finished.
Why on earth would some man I didn't know be interested in that? "Alan Blake?"
Margaret smiled. "He's Gossip Gerty's substitute -- she's on vacation, thank goodness. Mr. Blake's been handling the society pages. He's quite a good writer, even though his columns are a bit... intimate."
No wonder I'd never heard of him before. I didn't pay much attention to what's said about me in the gossip-section of the paper, but I understood that snooping about my life meant butter for the reporter's bread. So I usually co operated with the reporters.
"If he calls again, tell him I'll be going alone." My voice was calm.
She didn't even raise an eyebrow.
After thinking for a moment I added, "I will be bringing Dick Grayson, though. As always." I knew he hated those high society events, but in the long run, participating in them would benefit him. It was good for him to get to know what the so called 'better people' were like. You never knew what they were up to. I remembered Max Shreck and shuddered.
As usual, I got home when it was almost dark. I enjoyed driving home, it was well past the rush-hour and since the Wayne Manor isn't close to Gotham's downtown area, the roads that I followed were almost deserted. It wasn't the same as driving the Batmobile, but it was nice anyway.
I parked the car and headed to the gym. I wasn't hungry, but felt really stiff after sitting behind my desk all day and thought some exercise would help.
Considering everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, I was in a odd mood. I wasn't depressed, or even tired. If anything, it felt... good to be home, I guess. The previous night's confusion was gone.
The moment I walked into the gym, I saw Dick. He was hanging on a bar, and judging by the way his face was glistening with sweat, he’d been exercising for quite a while. Seeing me, he grinned, but didn't let go. He looked so ridiculous, just hanging there that I grinned back at him. He looked astonished, and let go of the bar, landing on the padded floor with a soft 'thud'.
"You're in a good mood today!"
I could see he regretted the words as soon as he said them.
"Sorry, I didn't try to..."
I waved my hand dismissively. "It's all right. I am in a good mood today. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and change." Smiling at his dumbfounded expression, I walked into the dressing room.
After stretching for a while I went to the exercise bike. I cycled for a half an hour and then decided to go for a swim. Then maybe some relaxation in the sauna.
When I headed to the pool, I ran into Dick again. He’d obviously been in the sauna already and was wearing only a towel around his waist and another, smaller one, around his neck. I grinned again. There's nothing cuter than a well built young man who's wrapped into pink towels. He looked at me really suspiciously and shook his head. I guess he was pondering the possibility that I was going crazy.
I must admit that the thought occurred to me too. Did I just think of Dick as 'cute'? Shrugging, I tried to banish the thought from my mind and jumped into the pool.
I was deliciously relaxed when I got to bed. I read for a while, drank a cup of tea and then turned the lights off.
You guessed it. Once again there was no peace in my dreams. This time I found myself standing on a cliff, with the end of a rope in my hands. Apparently I was trying to pull someone up and since I didn't know what else I was supposed to do, I continued pulling.
The one I was trying to rescue, whoever he was, wasn't very heavy. Or maybe he was climbing and I was just trying to assist him. I pulled and pulled and pulled, and after a while got really annoyed. What kind of a place was this anyway? I had pulled at least a mile of that rope and nothing had happened.
I decided it was time to stop playing with the scenario I had stumbled into and was just about to let go, when I heard a voice calling my name. "Bruce! I don't want to fall. Don't let go!!"
Dick. Well, why was I not surprised?
When I finally got him up, I saw that he was wearing those pink towels and was looking ecstatic to see me. He climbed to his feet and hugged me. We were both laughing with relief and then before I could think of what I was doing, I brushed my lips against his. He didn't even flinch. He just opened his mouth a little and invited me in. I’d never even thought of kissing Dick before, but it felt good, so natural. The kiss made my knees tremble.
Actually it felt like all the world was shaking. Then I realized that it really was. It took me a few seconds to comprehend the fact that there was an earthquake. The ground lurched violently and I had to end the kiss and let go of Dick. I turned around to see where it would be safe to take cover and wait for the quake to end, cursing when I didn’t see anything but dust in the air.
I heard Dick scream my name and turned around just in time to see him tumble back and fall off the cliff.
"Nooo..." I woke up to hear my own voice echo in the room. I'd say that dream qualified as a nightmare.
Oh my Gods, I’d dreamed of kissing my partner! My friend. And what frightened me the most was the fact that it wasn't the kissing -part That made it a nightmare. The thought of losing him did. That was the worst part. Kissing him had actually felt quite...
Wait a minute! It had all been a dream. It had nothing to do with the real world, or with the way I really felt. I didn’t think of men that way, and even if I did, I wouldn’t think of Dick like that!
Right. After repeating that to myself for about fifty times, I almost believed it.
Almost.
The next few days were horrible. I worked like crazy, so I'd be too exhausted at night to dream. That didn't work. Every night I woke up in cold sweat, panting, after once again losing Dick.
And the touchy-feely aspects of the nightmares just kept increasing.
I hadn't really known just how twisted my subconscious was before those dreams occurred. I saw Dick disappear into a sewer, fall from a tower, drown in quicksand. I mean, really! Quicksand? Here? Damn, I was feeling like I was the corniest idiot in the whole Gotham.
When I was home, I spent most of the time being with or thinking about Dick. Trying to convince myself that these new tender feelings were just A deeper form of friendship. Yes, I loved Dick. As a friend. Like a brother. Like a...
Finally I gave up. I'd spent too many years of being completely honest to myself to not recognize those thoughts as lies. I didn't just love him, somehow I was in love with him. He was fun to spend time with, and I wanted to be with him more than anyone else in my life. Wanted him to be that special someone.
And finally just... wanted him.
But the fact that I admitted to myself that I was attracted to Dick didn't end the nightmares. Quite the opposite. The only thing that changed was that the dreams just got more detailed, more real. All the sounds and smells were just the way I experienced them when I was awake, and the feel of Dick's skin against mine was so warm that when I woke up, I actually shivered with cold. The line between dreamworld and reality was blurred so that I caught myself pinching my arm half a dozen times every day.
By the end of the week I was a nervous wreck. I was just glad the city hadn't needed Batman right then.
Friday evening. I didn't really want to go to that Ball, but I figured that staying away wouldn't serve any purpose. Alfred and Barbara were returning to Gotham by train that would arrive at 2300 hours. I thought that by then I would have talked to all the 'important' people and we could conveniently excuse ourselves and get home.
I almost laughed at Dick, when I saw him in the tux. I had never seen him look so uncomfortable before.
He was holding his tie in his hand. "I have no idea how to put this on! It was hard enough to get these studs in place. Hell, tying this little thing is more complicated than getting into my Robin - outfit!" Handing the tie to me, he raised his chin. "Don't make it too tight."
Uh oh. Swallowing, I took the tie from him. It wasn't all that easy to walk closer to him and then reach out to slip it around his neck. I hoped he didn't notice my hands trembling when I twisted and looped the silken fabric. It was fortunate that Alfred had taught me how to make my own tie at the age of eight, so my hands moved without needing any help from my brain.
"Thanks Bruce. I guess you have to teach me how to do that someday. Maybe we could practice tomorrow. What do you think?"
What did I think of watching him fumble with ties for a few hours with a white shirt on? Listening to him complain, whine or laugh at the knots he made. "Sure. I have a day off and nothing better to do." That's it! I was losing it.
We had a little 'conversation' about who'd have the honor of driving. Usually Alfred drives, but now we had to manage on our own. It wasn't a long conversation though. My car, I drive. I might have the hots for the guy, but I had also seen him drive.
The charity event was as tedious as they always were. People gossiping about who's seeing who, who's cheating their spouse, and feeling really good about themselves because they gave a few dollars once a year to orphans. I think it is the worst case of hypocrisy in this town, the Annual Charity Ball of Gotham. It's kind of obligatory to show up there, wearing a suit or a gown that costs about ten times more than the donation one gave to the orphanage.
How humanitarian.
I mingled for a while and then settled into a corner. Since people knew better than to pester me at these parties, I was able to be alone for some time. No, I was always polite, but I'd made it clear years ago that if I wanted to talk to someone, I would go to them.
Watching Dick trying to get rid of one of the Mayor's daughters proved to be pretty amusing. The girl was really pushy and I could see my young friend start to sweat. Many people thought of Dick as almost as good a catch as me, and I'm not being self-assertive here. I've always known that it was the Wayne billions that made me the most eligible bachelor in Gotham. Somehow the fact that Dick was in a sense -- even though not legally -- my ward made many people think that tHrough him was also a way to get to my money.
Dick knew that also and tried to stay as far away as possible from the society girls. That certainly didn't bother me.
"Mr. Wayne?"
I turned around to see a tall blond man with a shining smile. "And you are?"
"Alan Blake. I'm...."
"Yes, I know who you are, Mr. Blake. Pleased to meet you." I wasn't really, but rule number one was not to infuriate the reporters. I held out my hand and he grabbed it tight. "How long will you be working in the... society pages?"
The smile got a little forced. "This is my last day as Gerty's substitute. She'll be back from the coast today, I believe, and she'll be back at work on Monday." He raised an eyebrow, changing the subject to me. "Where's your date?"
I hated that game. Any innocent comment could be twisted into whatever the reporter wanted it to be. So I usually just made my answers short and to the point."I came alone. And if you're talking about Julie Madison, we're not together anymore." No use to hide it. I had to admit to myself that I'd rather get that fact to the papers before Gerty returned.
The smile faded away, being replaced by a well-practiced look of sympathy. "I'm sorry to hear that. I know that it's hard to end a long relationship, so I guess we should perhaps talk about something else."
Oh, but that man was good! Now I guess I was supposed to open like flower to him. He obviously knew that Gerty's 'go for it'- tactics didn't work with me and had decided to try something different. I was impressed. Maybe this game was worth...
I saw a police officer rush towards Commissioner Gordon. I instantly realized something was very wrong. They didn't need the Commissioner's help with petty criminals. When I saw Gordon pull his keys from his pocket and jingle them, I knew it was time for us to leave. I don't like to hurry away after the Batsignal is shining. It might make someone really suspicious.
After I excused myself absentmindedly, ignoring Blake's offended look, I went to get Dick.
I almost had to remove the Mayor's daughter from my partner with force and then leaned close to his ear. "It's time to fly."
He grinned at me, patting my arm. "Let's go."
I nodded at the Mayor and then we walked out of the dancehall. I felt someone stare at me and turning my head to the left a little, I saw Alan Blake smile at me. His smile was not friendly. There were other things in my mind, like how soon we could get to the Cave and back, so I didn't pay any attention on him.
Gordon looked frantic when we finally showed up on the roof. "We have a problem. Someone has hijacked the express train from Metropolis to Gotham."
I heard Robin gasp. It was the train Alfred and Barbara were on.
"Have the hijackers asked for a ransom or anything?"
"No, and that's not the strangest thing. They haven't stopped the train. We wouldn't have even known that the train was hijacked if they hadn't made a call to us."
"They called the police?" When the Bat was out, my voice was usually calm, but this time I couldn't keep my astonishment out of it." They're not asking for anything and they called the police? Are you sure this isn't a prank?"
The Commissioner swallowed hard. "It's no prank. I... They executed a passenger and threw him out of the train when they passed the Smallville station. And the man on the phone said they would do the same at every single station until they got here."
There are thirteen little stations between Smallville and Gotham. Oh, hell!
I nodded at Gordon. "Are your forces on their way?"
"That's another problem. There's been some kind of an accident on the North Road and the traffic is jammed. It'll take a long time to get to the train if we have to..."
I was already gliding through the air towards the Batmobile. I heard Robin follow me. Yes, it was rude to leave in the middle of the sentence, but every second counted. We had to get to the Cave and into the chopper. Soon. It was a shame the chopper's remote control didn't work when the chopper was still in the Cave. Alfred and I had to do something to that. I couldn't let myself even think about the possibility that Alfred could be... No. He was fine. He had to be.
We didn't say anything to each other when we climbed INto the chopper. I knew that Robin wanted to smash something out of frustration, but he knew as well as I did that we had to stay calm in order to do our job.
I closed my eyes for a moment, when we finally saw the train. It had gone through four stations after Smallville. I saw there had been some kind of an explosion in one of the cars. There was a big hole in the side and I pointed it out to Robin.
He nodded. Apparently he thought it was the best way to get inside the train, too.
I put the chopper on auto-pilot and programmed it to land after five minutes. Then we got some ropes and lowered ourselves to the train.
That sounds easy, but I can assure you that it was far from easy. The train was moving very fast and so was the chopper. Climbing down a rope that was swinging, when I was wearing a cape and dreading for my friends' lives was one of the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I managed to land in the middle of the roof of that car with the hole, but Robin slipped and almost fell off the train. Reaching out, I grabbed him just in time, and then had to suppress the urge to scream.
It was too much like my dreams.
We swung into the car through the hole and were instantly surrounded by panicked people. I didn't see anyone with a gun, but I did see Alfred. He was kneeling beside Barbara. She was lying on the seats, obviously unconscious. I saw Alfred smile wanly and knew she wasn't hurt badly.
I elbowed myself to him and on my way I saw Gossip Gerty. She was sitting down, holding her stomach, staring straight at me with a shocked expression on her face, silently opening and closing her mouth, apparently praying. I could see there was blood on her hands and cursed. She might be a pain in the butt, but no one deserved to be hurt like that.
I stopped right next to Alfred and bent down. "Where are the hijackers?"
"Most of them left ten minutes ago. They had someone waiting for them with a car." He lowered his voice. "Hit her head to the backrest. Was returning from the ladies' room when they blew up that hole." And then louder again. "I believe there are still some in the last car, sir. And in the engine."
Nodding curtly, I got up and gave Robin a discreet thumbs up sign. He grinned and then jerked strangely. The passengers ran for cover as they heard the shot. Three thugs appeared from the next car, waving guns and yelling. I bet they were surprised when Robin just turned around and kicked the first of them in the stomach. Thank Gods for kevlar.
It was awkward to fight in a traincar full of passengers. There wasn't much room to do any fancy moves and soon I was face to face with one of the hijackers. I knew Robin could take care of himself and concentrated on the man in front of me. I was going to kick the gun out of his hand when my foot got caught at something and I swirled around in order to maintain balance. Bad move. I felt my cape wrap around my legs and then I fell. I landed on my back and froze, staring straight into the muzzle of a gun.
I hate guns. I really do. That's the reason I have all the 'Batarangs' and other gizmos. I never use guns.
The thug moved his weapon closer and then slid it down my face. First I felt it as a pressure through my mask. Then it reached my bare cheek. It was cold, hard and it made me shiver.
I could feel the man’s breath when he leaned closer to me. "So, I snared the mighty Bat. Now, what should I do with him?"
The barrel of the gun nudged my lips. I refused to open my mouth and felt the cold steel move lower, under my chin. "I just wish I had enough time to really do this right..."
I didn't feel any fear. Not really. Still high on adrenaline, I could only think that this whole situation was really frustrating.
His forefinger twitched and slowly began to squeeze the trigger. In a couple of seconds I would be...
Free. Someone yanked him off me. I heard the gun go off and then clatter on the floor. Struggling to get up, I saw Robin wrestling with the thug. My cape was still wrapped tightly around my legs and it took me a while to get on my feet.
I got up just in time to see it happen. The man had Robin down on his back and leaned closer to punch him. Robin was in perfect control of his motions, though, and pulled his knees to his chest. Then, like I’d seen so many times during our training, he pushed with his feet.
The thug fell backwards, hit the edge of the opening in the wall and lay there.
We both just stood there for a moment, Robin and me, staring at him. Staring at the sharp piece of wood that was grotesquely protruding from his chest. Then Robin turned to me and blinked.
"Are you all right?"
I nodded.
"I saw him holding a gun at your face and ..." He swallowed and there was this strange wild look in his eyes.
I couldn't let him become too emotional. Not there, not at the moment. We still had work to do. I pointed at the end of the car. "See if this section is secure and then go and keep an eye on Alfred, but do it discreetly. I'll go and try to stop the train."
That was easier said than done. There were two cars full of hysterical people between me and the engine. I tried to move as fast as possible, but it took me almost ten minutes to get there, disarm the remaining two hijackers and stop the train. Then I jumped out and ran back to find my partner. The police and the paramedics were already arriving at the scene and I had to find Robin and get us both home to change, so we could go to the hospital to see Barbara.
When I found him, he was standing with Alfred next to the still unconscious girl with a wooden look on his face. I grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the train. He followed me like he had lost all his strength and my grip was the only thing that made him move. Thank goodness he didn't try to struggle.
I called the chopper with the remote control and soon we were on our way back to the Cave. When we arrived there, Robin went immediately to the house. I was just about to remove my suit as my cellular phone rang. It was Alfred.
"Are you sure you don't want us there?"
His voice was calm as always. "Quite sure, master Bruce. The doctor said it's just a mild concussion, but they want to keep her here overnight. I was told I could stay in her room." He was quiet for a while. "I saw what happened. I think it would be better if you both stayed at home. You should talk to master Dick, this will be hard for him."
I agreed. As soon as we finished our conversation, I stripped, took a quick shower and put on something comfortable. Then I went to the kitchen and prepared a pot of tea. Surprising, isn't it? The pampered billionaire Bruce Wayne can function without a servant. I didn't see Dick, but I assumed he was up in his room, so I put the teapot and two cups on a tray and carried them upstairs.
There was no answer when I knocked on his door, so I knocked again, harder this time. Then I tried the doorjamb. The door wasn't locked, so I stepped inside. I didn't want to invade his privacy, but I didn't want him to be alone at the moment either.
The room was empty, but the lights were on. I called his name. Nothing. Then I heard a faint noise from his bathroom. I put the tray on the table and called through the door. "Dick. Are you all right?"
He didn't answer, but I could hear he was in there. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
He was hunched over the toilet seat, retching. He was wearing only his boxers and a T-shirt and I could clearly see that his skin was pale and clammy. The Robin-suit was on the floor next to him. I didn't say anything. I just took a towel, dampened it and handed it to him. He took it without looking at me and wiped his face. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and waited.
Eventually his retching subsided, but as he flushed and got up he was still shaking. He washed his face and rinsed his mouth like I wasn't even in the room.
Finally he turned to face me. I was shocked to see the lost look on his face. His eyes were swollen and red, and he was biting his lower lip hard to keep from sobbing.
I walked to him and instinctively wrapped my arms around him. For just a second he went stiff and then he melted into my embrace. Sobs shook his body. I just held him close. There wasn't really anything to say to him right now. If he wanted to talk, we'd talk. If he wanted to be silent, there was plenty of time for us to talk later. I just wanted him to know I was there for him. Feeling him lean on me with all his weight, I decided that it wouldn't be good for him to collapse on the bathroom floor. I escorted him back to his room and sat with him on his bed.
After a while he seemed to calm down. He got a handkerchief from the night stand and blew his nose. "I killed him." His voice was unstable.
I nodded. "Yes, you killed him. But you didn't mean to. And if you hadn't pulled him off me, he would have killed me and then probably you too."
He closed his eyes and leaned on my shoulder. I had to resist the urge to run my fingers through his hair. Now, I wonder where that came from.
"I know that." Dick’s words startled me. His voice was getting steadier. "Intellectually I know I had no choice and that he was...impaled by accident." He began to shake again. "Hell, I always thought that happened only In movies. I have never killed anyone before. I wanted to kill Harvey. I really did. But when he fell, I felt so ashamed of myself. And that Bane guy. He's in Arkham Asylum now, and that's the way it should be. But when I saw that guy try to kill you, I acted on instinct. I couldn't just stand by and watch again as some idiot shoots someone I... But I should have been more careful! I...should...have..." His speech deteriorated into sobs.
I pulled him into my arms again and this time I did run my fingers through his hair, softly murmuring to him, "It's all right. Go ahead and cry. It'll make you feel better." Yes, I thought. Cry now, before you become so cold that not all the tears In the world can melt you.
I don't know how long I held him before I realized he had fallen asleep. I moved him so he lay comfortably on the bed and was going to leave, but every time I tried to disentangle myself from him, he got restless and started to whimper.
So I turned out the light, sighed and finally just lay down next to him.
It took me a long time to fall asleep. I lay awake there, staring at the ceiling and thinking of the first time I had killed someone. I remembered it as if it had happened yesterday. I remember everyone I've killed. Every time it was unintentional and every time it hurt. And every one of them was now a part of me, with me, as the Bat roamed the city at night, in my dreams. I couldn't forget them, but I had learned to live with the guilt.
I thought of Dick too. I knew it was senseless, but I still blamed myself for all of this. He'd never be the same again. But I knew that everything we did changed us and that was just the way of life. I just wished ....
My thoughts were getting fuzzy. All the restless nights were pushing me towards sleep. I could never really sleep well with anyone, but I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to stay there, awake, so that if Dick woke up, I'd be ready to take care of him.
I tried to keep my eyes open. I really tried...
Even though I'd been exhausted when I fell asleep, the dreams didn't leave me alone. But the dream I had most definitely wasn't a nightmare. I was lying on a huge bed with someone. That someone was kissing me and I was kissing back. A warm body crawled on top of mine and I ran my hands up and down the slender, muscular back.
As we began to rub against each other, I realized something strange. There was something hard poking at my stomach. I reached down and my hand brushed an erection. And it wasn't mine.
All right. So this was step two in the 'homoerotic dreams of billionaire Bruce Wayne'. It was a bit dark in my dream-world, but I could still recognize the man on top of me. It was my young partner.
I felt odd. I thought I should have been worried or disgusted, but it just felt good. Very good. And I held him tighter, moving against him. I grinned and then felt ashamed of myself. Dick had just been emotionally injured, and here I was, dreaming of having sex with him.
I blinked. I had never before felt ashamed in a dream. To think of it, I had never blinked in a dream before. Oh, no...
I stared at Dick. He was still clinging onto me, rubbing his face on my neck and whimpering something. He was also very much asleep.
Feeling like I had been hit by the freeze gun I just lay there. I couldn't move a muscle.
He thrust his hips up to mine, moaned and opened his eyes that shone with lust. Then he realized just what he was doing and with whom and he yelped and scrambled off me. He fell on the floor and lay there, panting.
I didn't know what to say. I was really disgusted with myself, feeling like I had taken advantage on the situation. Used him. He probably hadn't even had any idea of what he was doing. I cursed under my breath. Damn. I had read psychology and knew it wasn't unusual for people in shock to try to seek physical pleasure, without even being conscious of it. Sexual escapism. I should have realized that could happen. If I had been his lover it would have been different, but under these circumstances I shouldn't have touched him back!
"Oh shit, Bruce. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!! I didn't mean to... I thought it was just a... I didn't know you were...."
Great. Now he was feeling guilty.
I got up from the bed and walked towards him. He curled into a ball, trying to hide from me. Kneeling beside him, I put my hand on his shoulder.
He looked up to me with a confused look on his face. "You're...You're not mad at me?"
That almost made me cry. "No. Of course I'm not mad at you. You had a hard day and you were asleep. You didn't know it was me. You were dreaming. There's nothing to be ashamed of." I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or myself.
Dick looked a bit dubious. "But..."
"No buts. Don't dwell on it. Now, it's almost seven o'clock. I'd better go get dressed. Do you want to come with me to the hospital?"
"Hospital? Oh, I ..." He looked embarrassed again. "I forgot all about Barbara. Is she all right?"
I saw that he was going to turn the fact that he had forgotten Barbara into yet another reason for guilt and self-loathing and I decided to cut that train of thought short. "You know if she had been badly hurt, I would have told you immediately. It was just a concussion and she'll get home today. Now, if you want to come with me, I suggest you take a shower, get dressed and then meet me in the kitchen."
He nodded.
I walked out of his room and let out a deep sigh. Judging by Dick's reaction, my dreams would never become a reality. Not that I had thought that I had any chance before. What had just happened only confirmed my belief that I could never mention my feelings to him. I would rather have him as just a friend than drive him away.
Dick didn't say anything on the way to the hospital. I wasn't in the mood for conversation either and so we just sat quietly, staring at the road. I couldn't believe how bad I had messed things up. I was just glad Alfred was coming home. Maybe his and Barbara's presence would... prevent things from getting worse, though I wasn't very optimistic about that.
I’d rarely seen such beatific smile on Alfred's face as the one he flashed at me from where he was sitting beside Barbara's bed.
As soon as we got in, Barbara jumped up. "I'd really like to go home, now that you're here!"
Alfred nodded. "Yes, the doctor said you can leave, if you take it easy."
Barbara complained all the way to the car; she had hated the hospital's breakfast and didn't understand why on earth she had to sit on a wheelchair on the way out. The young male orderly who pushed her chair listened to her rant, grinning all the time. When he stopped right next to the car, he gave her a little piece of paper with a phone number written to it. She blushed and as soon as we were on the way home, she rolled her eyes, and sighed, "Men!"
She did put the note to her purse though.
I sat next to Alfred in the front. He had insisted on driving. Dick and Barbara were chatting on the back. Alfred had read the morning paper and was able to fill me in on the most recent information of the hijack. Six passengers had died altogether and ten were in ICU. Gossip Gerty was in critical condition, but it seemed the doctors were very hopeful. There was no idea of the identity or the motive of the hijackers. Wonderful.
When we got home, we bullied Barbara into staying on the living room sofa and Alfred and Dick disappeared into the kitchen. I wanted to let them have a chance to talk in private. I had noticed a long ago that sometimes when Dick had something on his mind, he liked to share his thoughts with 'good old Al'.
I thought of going to the Cave, but Barbara's soft voice stopped me from leaving the room.
"Uncle Alfred told me that Batman and Robin saved the day yesterday."
Sitting on a chair next to her I sighed. "Well, we did disarm the remaining thugs and stopped the train, if that's what you mean."
She nodded. "That's what I meant. Now I want to know about the part uncle Alfred didn't tell me." She looked very serious.
I thought she had the right to know all about it. It would be better for her to hear it from me rather than to read it from the paper. "One of the criminals was killed."
Her eyes widened. "How?"
"He fell and was impaled by a piece of wood."
"Fell?"
"He was going to shoot me in the face and..."
"...you pushed him?"
"No." I could see by the look in her eyes that she already knew what I was going to say. "Robin pushed him."
"Oh no...." She closed her eyes. "And all the time we were driving here I just babbled about my problems."
"It's best if we just act naturally with him. There's no use to try to force him to talk about it. He'll talk of it when he's ready. Killing someone, even by accident isn't something you get over overnight."
"You say that like you have ... Oh shit, Bruce, I didn't mean to..."
Great. Now I got her crying. Seemed to me that I couldn't do anything well anymore. "It's all right, Barbara. You didn't hurt me, or make me feel bad. Yes, there have been times when the only way to stop the bad guys was to let them die. It's never easy, and I pray it will never get that way, but we do what we have to do. We all have to make decisions, us and them. The difference is that they think of just themselves. We think of all the people in Gotham."
She sniffed and nodded. Thank goodness Alfred appeared with a tray and the three of us sat in silence for a while, drinking coffee. After one cup I excused myself and went to the Cave.
I didn't see Dick again until Sunday evening. Alfred and Barbara thought he was avoiding me because of the thing that had happened in the train and I was glad they did. At least I didn't have to invent some excuse.
I was exercising in the gym when he walked in. When he saw me, he hesitated in the doorway. "Come on in. Don't mind me."
He nodded, walked in and began to stretch. Then he climbed on a bike.
I stopped punching the bag and took my gloves off. This situation had gone too far. "Dick."
He lost the rhythm and stopped pedaling. "What?" He looked really nervous.
Oh, for.... "Remember what I once said? 'Friend, partner, brother.' Nothing has changed that. And nothing ever will. Understand?"
I felt my words had sounded a bit silly, but he got the idea and smiled. "Yeah. Thanks, Bruce. I'm just... I didn't mean to..."
"Forget it. I have." Oh, what a lie. Actually that little 'mistake' was constantly on my mind. But I was very good in hiding what went on in my mind and the most important thing now was to try to normalize our relationship.
He nodded and continued pedaling.
I was whistling when I stepped out of the car. I hadn't felt that good for almost a week. I was still dreaming of my partner, the dreams getting more erotic every night, and I knew he wasn't recovered from the shock yet, but at least now we were talking. And that morning, before I left to work, he had actually smiled at me. Things were getting better.
I stepped into the elevator. I thought some of the people in the lobby stared at me, but I just figured that a smiling Bruce Wayne was so unusual sight that it was worth staring at. It didn't bother me at all.
When I didn't see Margaret standing in the corridor with the mail in her hands I began to worry. I walked towards my office and when I finally saw her, I got really alarmed. Her complexion was grayish and she looked like someone had just died. I had never seen her that shocked before. I walked right next to her. "Margaret. Are you all right?"
She squeaked. "Mr. Wayne!"
"Is something wrong?" I tried to keep calm.
She took a deep breath. "Sir, haven't you read the morning paper?"
I usually did, but that morning I hadn't had the time. "No. Was there something important."
She closed her eyes and muttered something to herself. "You'd better read the society pages as soon as you sit down behind your desk, sir. And I recommend you don't hold a cup of coffee when you read it."
Ah, the gossip section. Even if I had read the paper I would have missed the big news. As I have probably already mentioned, I'm not interested in gossip!
I browsed through the paper. There it was, the gossip section. I began to read. 'The terrible way Gossip Gerty was injured is a great shock to us all...' I bet it was. At least now that Blake-fellow didn't have to return to fetching coffee to the editor. So I am a cynic. ' The Mayor's eldest daughter...'
Blah, blah, blah. Who reads this kind of garbage?
'The Annual Charity Ball. The highlight of the night was when billionaire Bruce Wayne tore the Mayor's youngest daughter off Richard Grayson in a jealous rage and then hurried out of the party with his lover, leaving the lovely Kimberly staring in their wake. It must be wonderful for Mr. Grayson to finally be of age, so the two lovebirds can be out of the closet.They don't need Julie Madison as their cover anymore. The boys must've had one hell of a night, since they appeared in the hospital only next morning to see Mr. Wayne's butler and his niece, who was also injured in the train-incident....'
I read it again. Then I began to laugh. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in my life! It was so absurd!! When I finally stopped chortling I grabbed the phone and called home. Thank goodness Dick hadn't left to school yet. I told him to come to my office immediately.
I walked out of my room. "Margaret. Cancel all my meetings this morning and hold the calls. Dick Grayson is on his way here and as soon as he arrives, I want you to send him in."
She nodded. "Do you want me to call your lawyers? For suing the paper?"
I shook my head. The only thing that would get was more negative publicity.
Blake's writing didn't really upset me. I had read much worse things written of me in my life. I was worried of how it would affect Dick though. Being 'outed' as gay and as my lover was definitely not something he could handle now. Damn. I remembered how horrified he had been when he had woken up and saw that he had been trying to...
Better not to think of that now. I had to be focused when he arrived.
I tried to go trough my mail, but I couldn't concentrate in it. I just stared at the papers with unseeing eyes.
There was a knock on the door. "Come on in."
Dick looked puzzled as he stepped inside. "What's going on, Bruce?"
I gestured at the chair. "Sit down."
"I'm cool."
I gave him the paper. "Read what Alan Blake writes about the Ball."
Leaning back I watched his face. At first he looked a bit annoyed. Then he laughed. Obviously the stuff Blake had written of the Mayor's eldest daughter was funny. Then he reached the part I had called him here for. First his face went white. Then he crumpled the paper and finally sat down. "Oh shit."
My sentiments exactly.
He stared at the tabletop, looking so lost I felt sorry for him. "Well, at least this is better than if he had found out we're... what we really are."
He glanced up, confused and I made flying motions with my hands. He nodded.
"I wanted you to hear this from me and not from some idiot at the campus. Now, I think it would be best if we just ignored this whole thing. Denying it only makes people gossip more. I know that won't be easy, but..."
He looked at me and tried to smile. "Sure, Bruce. I'm alright." His gaze darted from me to the door, like he was expecting someone to jump at him. Moving up from the chair, he stammered, "Gotta go now." And he scurried out of the room.
Damn.
I tried to call Julie to tell her that the story in the paper was just a fabrication. I owed her that. She had her answering machine on and so I left her a message. She never called me back.
I had seven appointments that afternoon, and none of the people I talked with mentioned Blake's article. Of course there was some whispering behind my back, and I got stared at, but no one said anything to me. That's the power of money.
When I got home earlier than usual, Alfred was the only one downstairs. Barbara and Dick were in their rooms. I talked with Alfred about the article and he seemed concerned, but agreed with me that the best thing was to ignore the whole thing. He never even asked if the rumors were true.
That's Alfred. His motto was that a gentleman doesn't ask intimate questions. But he always listened if I had something to tell. He's the best listener I've ever known.
I was glad that he didn't ask any questions, because I had no answers.
Two days later I was ready to scream. Julie still hadn't called me back. Barbara had been furious when she had read the article and she wanted to go and 'kick Blake's sorry...' I knew she had tried to talk with Dick about the situation, but he wasn't in the mood to talk. I had a first hand experience of that. He hadn't said a word to me after he ran out of my office.
We were sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner and he wouldn't even ask me to pass the potatoes. And now he refused to even look at me. He just stared out of the window.
The sound of shattering glass startled us all. Dick began to stammer apologies and knelt down to gather the shards from the floor into a towel. I turned around to see if something he saw had made him loose his grip on the glass and sighed. The full moon wasn't the only thing shining in the dark sky. The Batsignal.
"I will go alone." It wasn't a suggestion. Barbara took one look at Dick's white face and nodded.
It felt odd to dress alone. I missed Dick's company, his enthusiastic bantering. And when I was gliding to the roof of the police station I missed the familiar rustle of Robin's cape behind me. The sound had always reminded me of my partner. Of how there was at least one person in the world I could trust with my life.
"Batman." Gordon nodded at me.
"Is something wrong?"
He shook his head and grinned. "No, actually everything is perfect."
"Then why did you call me?"
"I wanted to thank you personally. If you and Robin hadn't caught the men in the train, we would have had a much bigger problem on our hands."
"Really?"
"Really. The hijacking of the passenger train was just an exercise to those people. They were going to hijack another train, the one that carried the prime minister of..."
"Wait a minute." I was shocked. "An exercise? They killed six innocent people and jeopardized dozens more just to practice?"
"Yes. I swear, these criminals are getting crazier every year. The five men who were caught in the train were supposed to stop it a few miles past the point you stopped it and then escape by foot, to see how easy it would be. And the 'accident' on the North Road was also their doing. Now one of the idiots decided to sing. We got him into a witness protection program and managed to catch the other 'patriots', as they call themselves. The real attack was supposed to be some kind of a political statement."
I honestly didn't know what to say.
"There will be a trial soon and the DA would like you and Robin witness in it." He coughed. "And I want you to know that Robin will not be accused for... anything."
What a relief. "Anything else?"
He shook his head and I jumped off the roof. My cool facade was shaking, like someone was trying to pull out my mask. I felt ill. Damn, I hate terrorists and their mindless killing!
After a long shower I headed to my room. I stood for a moment at the corridor, knowing that I had to talk to Dick about the trial, but since I didn't see any light under his door, I thought there was no reason to wake him up. There was time to discuss about it later. I continued towards my bedroom. Not bothering to turn the lights on, I walked straight to the bed.
"Bruce?"
I turned around. With the full moon it wasn't really all that dark, but I still fumbled at the light switch reflexively. The bright light made me blink a few times, but I didn't care. I’d recognized the voice and knew that the person in my room wasn't there to hurt me.
When I could see clearly, I saw Dick sitting in a chair next to the door. He had a backpack on his lap and I could see his old motorcycle helmet next to him. He was wearing a leather jacket and he looked tired.
"Going somewhere?"
He nodded.
"Where?"
"Dunno. I thought I'd head South."
I couldn't help repeating it. "South?"
He swallowed. "Yeah. I figure I'm no use here anymore and I should just..."
I held up a hand. "Wait a minute. What do you mean 'you're no use here'?"
"I... I can't fly anymore, Bruce. Not now, not yet. I thought that with no Robin, I'd be just in your way. And when I'm gone, you don't have to worry about those rumors anymore." Dick got up and held out his hand. "I just didn't want to leave without explaining. Not without saying goodbye."
I ignored his hand. "You don't have to leave because you're afraid. This is your home. The home of Dick Grayson, as well as Robin. You can stay here for as long as you want to. I'm not pushing you into anything."
A tear trickled down his cheek. "Damn you, Bruce. Why are you making this so hard for me?"
I wanted to scream that I loved him. I wanted to beg on my knees for him not to go.
I cleared my throat. "Because you're trying to run away again. And you cannot hide from yourself. " That much was true.
He looked miserable. "I can't stay here."
""Why?" Oh please, please don't leave me!
He bit his lower lip. "You don't want to know."
I was frantic now. "Of course I want to know. You're my friend. You can tell me anything." Just don’t leave me!
He moved closer to me. His eyes were huge and I could see he was trembling. He touched my shoulder lightly, whispering, "I'm leaving because of this..." And touched my lips gently with his.
I just stood there, staring at him in total shock. Was I just kissed by my partner? Was this real or was I sleeping?
When he got no reaction from me, Dick shook his head sadly and sighed. "Goodbye, Bruce." Then he walked out the door.
I stood there with my mouth open for about five seconds. My hand moved to my thigh and pinched hard. No, this wasn’t a dream. So he really did... I ran after him.
I caught him at the front door. "That's no reason to leave!"
"Shit, Bruce. Why can't you just leave me be?"
"For the same reason you're trying to leave, I guess." And I pulled him into an embrace. It was his turn to look shocked. He pulled back so he could look into my face and I couldn't resist the opportunity to cover his lips with mine.
His lips were soft and moist and tasted slightly of salt from the tears. I could feel his hands circle my waist hesitantly and smiled against his mouth. It felt good.
Dick let go of me and stared straight into my eyes. "Bruce? Are you... Do you..." He shook his head. "You don't have to do this. Not because of me."
Oh for goodness' sake. He was so... Unselfish. Considerate. Wonderful. I couldn't speak, I just grinned like an idiot.
"I mean, you don't have to do this just because you don't want me to go. If you really want me to stay, I'll stay. I... Bruce? Say something."
I swallowed. I didn't really want to speak, I wanted to... Well, maybe we should talk first. "No." Wasn't that an intelligent thing to say?
He looked confused. " 'No' what?"
"No, I'm not doing this just because you want..." I realized I didn't even know what it was he wanted. My gorgeous body? Oh, please! "You want me?"
He nodded. Then he shook his head. "I... " The rest was a whisper.
"Look at me. Now repeat the last part with some volume, please."
"I love you."
"You love me." It wasn't really a question. I just had to say it out loud.
"Bruce..."
"You're leaving because you love me? Why didn't you ever say anything, ... No, that's not fair. I could have said something." I felt uncomfortable. Talking about feelings wasn't very natural for me. "I should have told you that I..."
Damn! I’d never been able to say the exact words to anyone else but Alfred. I swallowed and repeated in my head, 'It's not that hard, it's not.' And suddenly it wasn't. "I love you. That I have for a while. And that...ummph." All right, maybe I didn’t really have to say more.
He was squeezing me so tight I couldn't breathe, but that didn't matter. He kissed my neck and whispered, "Upstairs?"
Good idea. My bedroom was definitely better place for this than the hallway. Dick picked up his backpack and we went back upstairs.
I sat on my bed and watched him as he took off his jacket and boots. He looked a little nervous and sat next to me, fingering his earring.
"Dick… Are you sure this is what you really want?"
He grinned. There was definitely a wicked glint in his eyes.
I shook my head. "Seriously. What about Robin?"
"Bruce…"
"I know the Bird drives you, but it's not a curse to you like the Bat was to me for a long time. You really fly because you chose to fly. From the beginning it was a matter of choice for you. And now that you..." I couldn't say it. It would have been too cruel. "You know what I am and I can't change that anymore. I just want to be sure that you really can live with me? All of me?"
He looked into my eyes. "With the both parts of you?"
I nodded and he was quiet for a moment. Then he nodded back to me gravely. "Yes."
The way he said it made me believe him. It was said with a calm voice, just that one little word. Earnestly, without any futile explanations.
His face was still serious. "And who knows. Maybe someday Robin will find his wings again."
I wanted to tell him so many things, but I knew that if I tried to say those things and failed, the whole situation would become unbearably awkward. Somehow I had to show him…
"Will you sleep with me tonight?"
He blushed.
"I didn't mean that. Not yet. I really mean sleep. Here in my bed." Come on, Dick. Please try to understand what I'm asking
His eyes widened. "You never... Even Chase never... Yes, I will sleep with you tonight. Any night you want."
I smiled. I knew that I would sleep well beside him.
He watched me from the corner of his eyes while we stripped to our underwear. We climbed into bed and he tried to find a way to get comfortable. "Bruce? Could you... hold me?"
I pulled him close to me and he rested his head on my chest. "Sleep. We’ll talk in the morning."
"Night."
I felt him nuzzle closer to me and closed my eyes.
After ten minutes, I opened them again. Damn! I hadn't been actually wrong. I knew that once I fell asleep, I would sleep well beside him. The problem was that my body wasn't really all that interested in sleeping. I took a few deep, even breaths. I could do this, I could control my body, I was stronger than this...
Obviously I wasn't.
Dick turned and I felt his hand brush my hip. I couldn't help a little groan escaping from my lips.
"Bruce?"
Oh no! "Go back to sleep."
He moved his hand again and I shuddered as it slid up to my chest.
"I don't really feel like sleeping."
Really? I cleared my throat. "Was there something else On your mind?"
I could hear the laughter in his voice. "Yes. There most certainly is. How about you?"
"I..." Was being seduced by a 21 year old? Why not? "Sleep isn't the first thing On my mind either." Hadn't been for a long time.
I felt strangely calm. Whenever I had thought about being with Dick, I had felt a little... well, excited, of course, but also a little... a lot nervous. Now that I finally had him where I wanted him, I realized I wasn't nervous at all. I...
Dick poked at my ribs, interrupting my thoughts. "What?"
He grinned. "Now, can we finally have sex?"
I laughed a little. His voice was just too eager. "Yes. I think we most definitely can have sex now."
His eyes widened. I guess he hadn't expected me to say that. Wonderful, I didn't want to be too predictable.
For a while we just lay there, watching each other and then he touched my face. It was a gentle touch, just his fingertips following my jaw, sliding up my cheek. I mirrored his motions with my hand and he smiled.
This time I let him pull me closer for a kiss. I could feel his breath on my lips a second before his mouth met mine. I parted my lips and he slipped his tongue into my mouth without any hesitation. We sucked and nibbled each other's lips, tasting, feeling. Then I felt it was time to go on. I brushed his lips with my thumb and then I began to kiss my way down his throat, holding him close to me, sliding my hands up and down his back, feeling the strong muscles beneath his T-shirt.
It was real. I knew that, he knew that.
Dick squirmed against me. "Bruce?"
"Mm hmm?"
His Adam's apple jerked really nicely as he swallowed hard. "Could I... take off my shirt?"
"No!"
"What?" Oh, but he looked cute when he was confused.
"I want to take off your shirt." I slid my hands under his shirt, tugged it upwards and then just tossed it to the floor. A few seconds later my shirt joined it.
Nibbling my way down his neck, I made a little detour to his earlobe and licking around his earring. I moved a little lower and bit lightly his left collarbone. His arms around my back tensed and he whispered, "Tease!"
I felt giddy. That was the first time anyone had called me that, in or out of the bed. I decided to show him just exactly that word meant and ran my fingers across his chest until they found a nipple.
His moan was very gratifying.
I explored his chest with my hands, trying to memorize every curve, every muscle. Then I replaced my hands with my lips. I kissed him everywhere I could reach and then concentrated on his left nipple. I kissed it and was a little amazed when it hardened. I gave it a few more nibbles, and then turned my attention to the other nipple. Same reaction there. How delightful. As my tongue teased the little nub, I felt him grasp my head, trying to get me closer.
I moved my hands to the waistband of his boxers and felt him shiver. "Dick?"
He just moved his own hands on top of mine and helped me to remove his underwear. I guided his hands to my waist and then we both were naked. He held a hand on my chest, gently holding me down. "Please, Bruce. Just let me look at you…"
I felt the heat on my face under his scrutiny. His eyes swept my whole body and then focused on my waist area. I heard Dick's breathing quicken and saw his tongue flicker out of his mouth.
That made me blush even more.
He lifted his gaze to my face and grinned, mouthing 'wow' without making any sound. I growled and pushed him ONto his back. It was my turn to watch. It was quite different to watch him like this, than it was when he was coming from the sauna. His chest was heaving and he was gasping for air. I tried to concentrate on his whole body, but inevitably my eyes locked to his groin. I don't really know what I had expected to see, but... well, I do, but... The only thing that went through my mind was that I wanted him, I wanted this and that quite obviously he wanted it too.
I stared at him for a long time and then slowly raised my gaze back to his face, and smiled. And then it wasn't enough just to watch anymore. I saw Dick's eyes widen as I lifted my hand and slowly moved it towards his erection.
I touched the hardness hesitantly, lightly with my fingers and felt him jolt.
"Yes, Bruce. More!" The groaned words weren't a plea, they were a command, and I gently took him into my hand. I moved my hand up and down and he began to raise his hips in time of my movements. I didn't see him raising his own hand, I just felt it on my stomach. Then it was moving down, and I held my breath.
As his fingers finally closed around me, I arched myself to his grip and gasped his name.
We were both panting hard now, thrusting into each other's touch. Soon our hands were moving rhythmically in time. There was no elegance in our love-making. Just our sweaty bodies, moving and twisting with pleasure.
Touching him and feeling his hand rubbing me felt wonderful, but I wanted more. Needed more. I wasn't familiar with the mechanics of making love with another man, but there was one thing I did know. I removed my hand and heard Dick's protesting whimper. It changed into a moan of pleasure as I pulled him on top of me. I closed my eyes as we started to thrust against each other. Feeling his erection slide against mine, I had to bite my lower lip to prevent myself from groaning. I moved my hands up and down his back and then finally laid them on his buttocks, aiding him with his thrusts.
He was gasping my name with every exhale and I opened my eyes. I had to see his expression. His eyes were half closed and his face was contorted into a grimace that was a mix of agony and pleasure. The most beautiful sight I had ever seen. And it was all my doing.
I lost all coherent thoughts. There was nothing else in the world but that frenzied rocking motions of our hips and his firm grip on my shoulders. I felt Dick moving faster and faster and I sped up my pace to match his movements. I heard him wail my name as he reached his orgasm and then I let the sensation tear the rest of my control apart and rode the waves of my own release.
I lay there for a moment, trying to catch my breath.
"Wow!"
Dick's voice was so content, I couldn't help a little smug smile from spreading to my lips. Not bad for a first timer.
Holding him close, I felt him nuzzle my throat. "How do you feel." Damn, that sounded lame, but I thought that 'no regrets' would sound even worse.
He yawned. "Like I could use some sleep now." He held me tight. "You know, it's much more comfortable here than in my own bed. I could get used to this."
I swallowed and had to fight against tears. "You'd better." My voice was hoarse. "Since you're going to sleep here from now on."
I woke to the feeling that someone was fidgeting and opened my eyes just in time to see Dick get up and head to the bathroom. I smiled to myself and stretched. It had been the most peaceful night for at least... Actually I think it just was the most peaceful night. Ever.
After stretching luxuriously, I sat up. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was almost 7.30 and sighed. I heard Dick flush and then he tiptoed out of the bathroom. He saw me staring at him and blushed.
I shook my head. "Dick, I... " There was an alarmed look in his eyes, that faded away as I got up and kissed him. "Would you please listen to what I have to say before jumping to conclusions!"
He nodded, looking a bit sheepish.
"I wish I could stay home with you today, but I have a staff meeting at nine."
"Yeah. I have a class too. I guess it means we have to get dressed." He turned to the door, hesitated and turned back to me. "What happens when we come home tonight?"
I deliberately misunderstood his question. "Actually I was planning on eating a good dinner and then getting to bed early."
He’d bent down to pick up his clothes. He looked up, startled and then grinned. "You need more sleep?"
I closed the distance between us and kissed the tip of his nose. "No. Exercise."
"Sounds good!" Dick pulled his clothes on. "See ya!" He waved at me and walked out of the room.
I stood there for a moment, staring at the door with a soft smile on my lips. I knew we should have talked about our relationship, about what would happen next. Everything had happened so quickly and the best thing would have been a long, rational conversation. But the only thought my brain was able to process was, 'I don't care. For once in my life I'm not worrying about the future. For this one, brief, perfect moment I'm happy '.
I wasn't alone anymore. And I knew it was no dream.
The End
October 1998 (completely revised and partly re-written April 2000)